Sugar me Surprised

Apparently the average person in the US consumes 90 pounds of added sugars a year.

So, I thought, how much do I consume? Well, I go through 12 oz of organic local raw honey about every 2 weeks. So, I did the math, and then I added some for the weekly outings with a sweet roll, or the monthly/bimontly cake, pie, or ice cream, and a bit more for holidays.

22%

Let's say I underestimated how much sugar is consumed at these outings and on holidays and up it to 25%

That still means I'm consuming 1/4 of the added sugars the average American is, and 1/4 the added sugars people were consuming in 1985.

Holy crap, that's a lot of sugar!

Lemons and Fruit Water

I've decided to try and add more lemon to my diet. It doesn't seem difficult at all and I've read a lot about the benefits of lemon.
It became really apparent to me today that I could do this easily because I'd made a pitcher of lemon water. I can't remember if I blogged about fruit water but it's something I've been trying this summer; making fruit waters (last summer I tried making your own fruit popsicles, which were nice but required  a lot of cleaning and blending. I'd probably enjoy it more this year but I'm not really feeling it). I know the blogs I read talked about eating the fruit after the water was gone but I've found the fruit has gone sort of soft and flavorless by the time the water is gone so it just goes the compost. Some of them were good, like the melon water, others haven't been so good. Yesterday I chopped up a skinned lemon and half a skinned lime and tossed it in to make lemon water.

It's delicious.

Like, shockingly delicious.

I may drink the whole pitcher tonight.

Lemons aren't very expensive. Thus, Yay! I have found a way to incorporate more lemons into my diet.

P.S. The reason I don't use lemon juice is because a lot of the lemon juices have added sugars or flavorings or preservatives. It just seems better to use the real thing, you know?

Regular Lunch

Hey folks. I wanted to show you guys what I would normally eat for lunch, or, say, my second meal of the day (which can really happen any time between 11 and 6).

Here we have a plate with a serving of salmon. I might switch this up salmon, talapia, chicken, beef, eggs if I'm feeling really lazy, nuts and Greek yogurt if I'm feeling really really lazy...

Also, we have about two servings of pasta. After I took the picture I added half a tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil, organic cayenne powder, organic paprika, Parmesan cheese, and three chopped basil leaves. That's pretty normal for me though usually I'll add garlic instead of cayenne. I felt spicy today.

The veggies are one large sauteed mushroom and the other half of the giant zucchini I got from my garden a few days ago. To them I added garlic and pepper and a pinch of salt (1/6 of a teaspoon), and sauteed them in a tablespoon of olive oil. And, because I felt like it, though I don't do this every day, I shredded a little mozzarella over the top.

Then I proceeded to eat only half the plate before I was stuffed and put the rest in the fridge for dinner. Ah well.

Body and Health Update 6/26

I've decided to break this up into subheadings since I'm discussing different things:

Exercise:

I bought new weights yesterday.
8 lbs this time. I was finding that I could go nearly an hour on the stair machine with the 5 lb weights, and 90 minutes without them. Having a work out where the "cardio" takes 90 minutes isn't feasible. Though, it was fun; I watched the Lord of the Rings extended edition over the last week. Originally I wanted 7 or 7.5 lb weights but they didn't have them at Target. All they sold were 6 and 8 pound weights (I should clarify, they did have 7 lb kettle bells, that were more than $20 each, I just don't have the money for that). Since 6 is close to 5, 8 pounds it was.

With the increase in weights I intend to drop the time of my cardio back to 48 minutes (aka, the length of an episode of Fringe).

The stair machine from Wal-Mart is holding out quite well, despite a marked increase in the time I spend using it.

My work out has moved to 1:45 of plank and side planks, though I have split it up into 35 second holds rotating. I think I could pretty easily move it to 3 sets of 40 seconds each, but I found that a minute and 1:10 were pushing the limits of my attention span, the rotation of shorter times allows me to effectively distract myself. I have also moved to 2 alphabet sets of bicycle crunches. The first time for this increased amount was yesterday and I'm surprised that I'm not sore. My workouts also regularly feature 40 squats, 30 calf raises, and 12-13 push-ups in addition to the shoulder exercises I do with the weights while I am on the stair machine. I also have started doing a some squat jumps on the days where I'm energized. I have begun to stretch more as well, as sometimes I feel a bit stiff after long workouts. I stopped doing the high knees, they were good for my cardio level but drained me so quickly that I found myself actively resenting them, and the goal is to enjoy working out, it's not supposed to be mental "work". maybe I will try again later, but not now.

Eating:

I'm still doing the no sweetener thing, still enjoying it, still plan to do this the rest of my life. I do go through days or a period of a few days where I will crave candy/ice cream/cake/chips/croissants. I usually just end up eating more fruit, or pasta.

I've also noticed that a lot of my food cravings come from external food triggers/hunger stimuluses, which are often quite strong, and which just piss me off. I mean, really piss me off. People trying to manipulate me makes me angry. Being hungry makes me irritable. When I'm hungry and know it's because advertisers/businesses are manipulating me through my animal urges, well, it's not a good mood. It also makes me angry because people who fall pray to these incredibly powerful and subtle manipulations are villainized for it but the companies who do it are praised.

"Regular" American food (read; mac and cheese, pigs in a blanket, white bread, sweets, potato chips) has been giving me stomach cramps if I eat it, even though it is eaten rarely. If, by chance, I end up having two events in the same week (like I did last week, a dinner with friends Thursday night and then a wedding with a dinner Saturday night), it seems to be worse.

Case in point, I've been feeling gassy and bloated and gross all week. I think I'm beginning to develop an aversion to processed food. At the wedding I found myself thinking 'do I really want to eat this?' rather than 'Yay! Rule free event!'

Also, I've begun regularly taking vitamins, which only leaves  me nauseous about half the time I take them. I have learned I can't take them with breakfast, apparently an egg, a piece of buttered toast, an apple, and coffee is not enough of a "meal" to keep me from spending the next 3 or 4 hours swallowing down bile. Also, taking them at night is torture. So, lunch, which is undoubtedly my biggest meal of the day and the one I eat the quickest, is really the only acceptable time to take them (I say them because I take a multivitamin as well as one of 3 B supplements, usually folic acid, and a kelp supplement since my budget has restricted the buying of seaweed snacks).

Weight:

The last time I was on the scale, which was mid-month, I was 178. This means that I have lost (a little more than) 15% of my January body weight and that I am no longer "obese." I admit that I am hoping to be less than 175 when I move.

When I look in the mirror, I still see the same person. I still regularly refer to myself as fat.  I know it bothers my sister, who says I am not fat, but I think that her and I are coming from such disparate directions that I cannot explain it to her. To me, this makes sense; I don't change, the appearance of the girl in the mirror doesn't change. If how she looked/looks is "fat" than I will always be "fat." Part of my identity is being "fat." Why am I to try and find a new word that fits for merely "overweight"? Would any stranger be so kind? No. Additionally, I have no desire to join a part of society that would have rejected me previously (and, likely, still does). If I was an outsider I have no interest now in being part of the group.

I have been wondering recently what is likely to happen to me if my weight falls into the only-slightly-overweight category (1 to 10 lbs). This, assuming I continue with my present style of eating and exercising, is a reasonable conclusion at some point in the next year. I do not believe my discomfort with the privileged thin culture will have changed at all. At the same time, I do understand that there is a strong feeling of general distrust and animosity among larger folk towards people who are thin, whether they have "achieved" it or whether they were simply gifted with it. Will I find myself a true outcast or will I find that there is an entirely different sector of people, one largely ignored in the us vs. them war-on-fat?

But I digress.

Sizing:

In addition to having now lost 32 pounds, I also easily fit into a size 14. I can put on a size 12, but I am not a believer in if-you-can-zip-it-it-fits, and the bulge around the top says I am not yet a size 12.

I went through quite a lot of my old clothes in the garage and found that the smallest size seems to be a size 11, which is about a size 8-10. This was both when I was a junior in high school, and when I was on Crew in college. I think one can pretty reasonably argue that 8-10 would be my "ideal" size.  I also find it interesting that there was something like a 15 pound difference in my weight between the two times I wore the same size. Though I do wish I'd known then what I know about sugar now.

The smallest point of my middle is 33.5 inches, just above my belly button is 36, and the widest point of hips/butt is 43. Recently the measurement around my ribs seem to have grown, from 34 to 35 inches. I don't know why or if I'm just not measuring the same.

Sleep:

Sleep is still difficult. Even when I am utterly exhausted I find it hard to fall asleep without some assistance. I find it very hard to quiet my mind long enough for sleep to take hold, and I often jerk back in to waking just as I'm about to fall asleep. I often fall asleep around 1 or 2 a.m. And I am more than capable of sleeping 9 hours a night, which my body does every time it gets the chance.

On a lighter note, I have begun to dream of DC and they have been good dreams. This is very unexpected but leaves me much more optimistic than I have been, because I believe that my subconscious still believes I have made the right decision, in spite of my conscious doubts about my ability to make any right decision.

Appetite is back?

Maybe I worried for nothing. I ate like a normal person today and was ravenously hungry when I tried to skip a meal. Maybe it just took a little while [more than a week] to lose the effects from the antibiotic? Or for my stomach to regrow? No, that doesn't make any sense, I wasn't forcing food on myself.

It could also be because I'm back to my normal workout routine plus I'm using 5 pound weights during my cardio rather than 3 pound weights and I added one new high intensity exercise for my abs.
On that note; you're not going to be hearing much about the specifics of my work outs because I think that's personal, and it's not up for scrutiny. 

Anyway, I had a banana and toast and an egg and coffee with milk this morning, lots of water, an apple and greek yogurt and kimchi and a fruit leather and a cup of orange juice for lunch, then two servings of noodles and a serving and a half of beef and a serving of zucchini and 1 chocolate truffle from a student and another fruit leather and another banana. So, there you go, back to normal eating.

And, after the lunch my stomach was growling sooooo bad.

That's all.

Update:

My appetite was decreased the next day and now seems to be consistently low compared to what it was 3 weeks ago, but not non-existent. I am finding that I sometimes stink very badly when I sweat. I think this is ketosis.

Garden update 5/19

Well, my garden is coming along quite nicely.
And, I finally pulled out my overpriced Fuji camera, stuck 4 batteries in it, and took some pictures!
Some of the spinach is ready to be picked

And the peas are doing well.

The tomatoes are growing slowly but surely

The kale is getting mature enough to come out from under its protective covers

As is some of the chard (this is an "aerial view")

The lettuce is growing quite nicely and about ready to be taken out of their containers.

Oh, and then there are the herbs,

Sage

the baby basil

and the new thyme

And so is the zucchini. I've also planted cucumber, watermelon, some beans, Mexican zucchini, and
summer squash.

The few carrots that survived the first planting are doing well, and the ones from the second planting are just beginning to spout. I expect there will be a third planting some time in June.

The broccoli never took off. I'm tempted to say it's the batch. I never should have bought seeds from wal-mart. :-p Lazy lazy.

The war with the slugs is going on just as strong as it ever was.

Also, I've seen both a rabbit and a groundhog looking around in my compost heap today. I'm just going to leave it uncovered in the hopes they will go after table scraps rather than gardens.

That's all!

Food for the day

Breakfast:

A banana, because I woke up at 11. More on that in another post

Lunch:

Lots of kale. Lots. Was 4 or 5 cups before steamed. Probably about 3 cups after 4 minutes of steaming. (I'm never sure if I should measure something by the size it is before or after being cooked) Drizzled with extra virgin olive oil (cannot completely validate it's unadulteratedness but it did completely solidify in the fridge), a little salt, and garlic.

1 serving of grass fed beef, a little oil in pan, tiny bit of salt, pepper, garlic

2 servings spaghetti noodles, drizzled with extra virgin olive oil, a sprinkle of salt, garlic, paprika (organic)

1/2 tomato, chopped

2 small organic pears (because they're going to go bad and they taste perfect when they're bordering on too ripe)

Dinner: 

Probably something with mushrooms if I can swing that at all I don't want to waste my money on food I don't eat. Tuna on the side or eggs (which would go better with mushrooms), the spinach I picked from my garden yesterday as well as some of the stuff that's starting to get old, and the last of the kale, and a banana.

Water: 

As much as I want throughout the day. Probably about four or five tall glasses. I'm fairly certain I will also consume at least 1, if not 2, cups of coffee at some point today.

Conclusion;

A hearty workout for a couple of days does increase the appetite some, but I'm still not eating much compared to previously  I haven't even touched the bag of spinach I bought this week, and a lot of my consuming is having to do with trying to keep foods from getting old rather than food interest. I haven't touched my bag of oranges from this week either and I still have three bananas left (which really should be eaten by tomorrow because they're getting very spotted). The eggs are only about half eaten and I still have two cans of tuna though the chicken and beef are finally finished. The cheese, the parmeasean from a few weeks ago, the colby-jack from this week, the mozzarella  the mixed shredded bag from two weeks ago, none of them are empty. So, no buying cheese this week, I have a ton. I still have some spinach left from two weeks ago, and all the zucchinis I bought this week and one from last week. I haven't opened the new milk, though I nearly finished the one from two weeks ago. Not even the orange juice is gone. I will, however, need a little more pasta as I'm about 2/3 through my box of spaghetti and I finished the box of curly noodles left over from two weeks ago. I need to eat more yogurt or my yogurt from 3 week ago will go bad. I'm about 1/2/ to 2/3 finished with the 2/4 oz container. I still haven't opened the plain Greek yogurt I bought last week.

I think that if I can get my body clock reset and start eating a real breakfast again I'll find myself going through a bit more food and being hungrier. Also, I should probably buy less food until I figure out how much I'm eating now.

Eating

I'm going to post two entries today, because I feel they're pretty different topics.

First, eating. I'm convinced that I've been eating significantly less lately, since the spider bite (or there around). Let me tell you why, I didn't run out of food last week. In fact, I have about half of last week's food left, even staples like pasta and eggs and fruit and cheese.

You see, each week I only buy about as much food as I think I will eat for the next week (except for meat, which I buy two weeks' worth of, and things like olive oil and spices). So, if I'm eating about half of that in a week, that's a pretty significant decrease in food intake. I've also noticed that I'm tending toward eating only two real meals a day, with  maybe a third small meal/snack.

Frankly, I'm not entirely sure why this is happening. It could be that my body is changing, it could be because I was sick. It could be because of the antibiotics, or maybe the topamax. But here's the thing, the bite is almost entirely healed, I haven't taken the antibiotics in two days, and I haven't taken the topamax in 4 or 5 (which is more days than I took it).

So, is the lack of appetite the left over meds in my system, or the left over toxins or just a change in my own body?

I don't know.

Part of me is happy about this. The upside is that I'm not hungry as often. Not being hungry is nice as being hungry is unpleasant. Also, if this persists it means I might actually be able to keep within my food budget when I move. That's a nice prospect.

Part of me is uncomfortable with this. First, your body needs food to provide itself with vitamins and nutrients, if you're not eating much, you're not getting those important vitamins and nutrients. Second, I hope I've made this clear in previous posts, but I think that our culture/country's obsession with cutting calories is absolute bullshit. In fact, I think that cutting calories can cause the metabolism to slow and can cause malnutrition. I believe that it's our intake of "artificial" foods and specifically of processed sweeteners (both caloric and non-caloric) that have cause the "obesity epidemic." I think that the entire "obesity epidemic" campaign is a giant fucking red herring to redirect blame at the subjects suffering rather than at the businesses and policies that support produce and peddle and distribute the products causing the suffering.

Additionally, and especially, I believe that if you are physically active, exercise regularly, get enough sleep, love yourself, are socially proactive, as psychologically healthy as you are presently able to be, practice stress reduction techniques, and eat a diet largely free of processed foods and sweeteners than you are healthy. Healthy and beautiful. And you have a right to live in light of that knowledge. It doesn't matter what weight you are. If you're living like that and your weight drops, great, if your weight stays the same, great, if you weight goes up, great (maybe you're building muscle, maybe you were too skinny). I think that body-hatred and self-hatred is far more destructive to a life than extra weight is to health.

Soooooooo, when I look at my own body and see that I went 10 hours without eating on Saturday and was fine with it, I'm not sure I'm fine with it, but it's definitely keeping costs down.

P.S. This is a link to a really great infographic about the average calories someone in a variety of countries consumes in a day (the results will surprise you, particularly considering that the diet industry is telling women that they should eat between 1200 and 1500 calories a day for the rest of their life) that I think everyone should look at and a lot of the comments are quite good as well.

5/12 Garden Update

My garden is doing quite well.
Yesterday I weeded the entire thing. It took me about six hours but it really was alright. There were quite a few clouds so I didn't get sunburned but it was cool and it didn't rain. It wasn't heavy labor that might trigger an itching episode from the last of the venom in my system but it was physical and relaxing. I can't imagine many other ways I would have enjoyed more than spending my day like I did.

Here is my garden. I don't know if you can see but a little over half the plants are starting to outgrow their containers. I intend to switch to 2 liter bottles when they get larger and begin to harden them off as they reach the tops of the 2 liters before removing them completely and moving the container to a different plant that has outgrown is smaller container. I also transplanted some of the last of my broccoli. I know, so very late, too late, but we'll see. The broccoli that's in my garden seems very stunted, and those are the ones that survived at all. I may not get any broccoli this year, but at least I gave it my best. I also put out a couple more kale and (re)planted carrots. This time I will make sure to cover them before pests can get to them (I have four out of about 20 growing from my last attempt). Other than that, reading the growing instructions on bell peppers was daunting. I think I will hoe out an area near the fence around the end of may and see if they'll grow there.

I picked two pea pods and ate them yesterday. They were quite tasty. and my pea plants seem to be doing pretty well, even if they are kind of short, and some of the ground planted ones seem to have had more trouble with bugs (don't know why, it's just a few).

Here is my sage plant, which seems to be turning into a bush. I'm very happy with the results of wintering it.

Oh, and this is actually a picture of my largest spinach from last week (obviously, as the garden is filled with weeds and maple seeds). It's larger now, and I think in another week I will start clipping off leaves to use.

Finally, I wanted to give you an up-close of one of my lettuces. This was actually taken while I was thinning them. I made a nice salad out of what I thinned and each "container" (what's the word for it?) has only one plant now. I'm very happy with them thus far.

Finally, I planted zania seeds in the front yard near the tree and near the rocks in our "flower bed." Hopefully those will grow. If they do I have every intention of pesticiding them. I would like people who are not just my next-door-neighbor to know I take care of my home, and it would be a nice sort of pretty-but-silent farewell to the neighborhood before I move.

Real Update on Garden and Healthy Life

Right.

So, first things first; my garden! It seems to actually be coming along now.

Yes, it still looks mostly like a garden of bottles, but things are growing under the bottles. See.
And, I actually have 3 broccoli plants that may live. Yay!

And my spinach is doing quite well.

I also have my first flower on a pea plant!

I now have kale, chard, lettuce, endive, peas, watermelon, cucumber, squash, broccoli, tomato, spinach, carrots, basil, and (maybe) stevia growing. I need to weed again and replant the pepper seeds. I also have several seedlings indoors. I'm waiting to let them get a little bigger and a little tougher before I figure out where to put them outside. I still have some spots where things could go, particularly in the partly shaded part of the garden things are more sparse, and I could add a few plants. I also need to plant a couple more basil, or actually give in and get some of the other herbs I've been considering. I've transplanted the thyme and the oregano into bigger pots as well.

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Healthy/healthy eating.

Still doing to no sweeteners thing, still loving it. Apparently I also lost 8 pounds last month, rather than the usual 5 that had been happening. I don't know how I feel about that. Part of me is very pleasantly surprised. Another part of me feels very obsessively greedy about this weight loss and wants it to continue at this pace for the rest of the summer and wants to count and recount the possible pounds I could lose (dysfunctional much? yeesh). The third part of me, seeing the second part, thinks that maybe anything other than minimal weight loss would be a bad thing and that I shouldn't step on a scale again for a few months.

I have also had the pleasure of being introduced to a local egg seller who sells a dozen eggs cheaper than the local grocery, even though her eggs are truly free range and humanely raised. Haha, and now I'm wondering where I'm going to find anything so awesome in DC.

Ate quite a few things that had sugar in them yesterday and felt quite sick for most of the day. Wasn't very hungry for most of today, but found myself positively starving at the end of the day. I've just resigned myself to go to bed with a growling stomach because it's not reasonable to eat more. I had a cup of milk, sauteed red potatoes, whole wheat noodles, several cups of steamed kale, a fruit leather, an orange, and beef. My stomach stopped making noises for all of two minutes before it started up again.

I'm a little concerned about my skin/muscle tone if I loose weight very quickly. I'm also afraid I'm going to stop losing, which is why I didn't want to even think about weight loss when I started.

I think I'm going to have to spend this week getting my goals strait again.

Ah, also, speaking of health, on the social health front; my friend R was lovely yesterday. I never leave hanging out with her except that I'm in awe of how great she is. Among other things she was very encouraging about my interest in doing Krav Maga when I get to DC and also in my change in health. She too, has gotten a little healthier lately and I think she looks quite nice. Her life situation has also gotten drastically less stressful recently and I think you can see that in her face and demeanor.

I also hung out with M. She is quite small; a size 0, if I'm not mistaken, and my comparison of us always triggers my stereotype threat. It's not her fault, it's mine. I'm very sensitive to size differences. I'm getting better about not being triggered around her, or other people, but it's still quite embarrassing that I feel it's there so I tend to bring it up. The elephant in my own room. I end up talking about weight virtually every time I'm with her. When I first met her it was horrible, I couldn't get myself to shut up.

Yesterday, in response to something I said, she said "I've always seen you as beautiful," which is very kind and such a vicious slap in the face to the (ugly, dysfunctional, wrong) voice in my head telling me she's only my friend because she pities the "fat girl" that I'm not entirely sure I didn't flinch when she said it. Then I said something self-effacing, which was neither right nor constructive. *sigh* Sometimes you have good days, sometimes bad days. Sometimes, I can't help but wonder why she puts up with me.

General Update on all things Healthy (slugs, onions, exhaustion)

Well, I've lost a little more weight. It's not the goal (not the goal, not the goal, not the goal), but it's nice to know. I wonder if I'm nursing a migraine this week, because I've been quite tired and I feel a little strange. I haven't worked out much, though I've tried to make sure I walk a little more, stand a little more, and I got on the throwing wheel for a while yesterday, so that I'm getting some exercise in. I just feel really tired.

It could be allergies (all the trees have bloomed) or stress (big test this weekend, finances), or hormones (it could always be hormones), or it could be that I haven't slept solidly in about 4 days. I thought that little bit of trouble would be a one night phenomena, but apparently not. I had begun to take vitamins before bed so I'm going to try not taking them before bed and see if the sleep returns to what it should be (note: I have gone through periods of months where sleep was broken/difficult almost constantly. It was horrible and I'm eager to avoid a repeat).

I went to Burnheim forest again, though only ended up staying a few hours because...poop! Yes, my tummy was very rumbly (test stress?) and pooping in an outhouse without tp and running water is not appealing.

I have also been craving strong vegetables today; onions, mushroom, pickles. I can't get enough of them. I've noticed a craving for fresh onions and mushrooms the last few days. As well as sweets. I actually caved today and bought a small lemon-glazed biscuit today, because I could. It was delicious. I just sat in the car and enjoyed it.

I also bought beer. Bud lite. Ick. But, it's not for me; it's for the slugs. Those nasty nasty slugs. I hope their livers explode. I have saucers laid out around the edge of the garden as well as a couple of the beer bottles with just a little at the bottom set in the garden. I talked to one of the gardeners at the Otte garden center (gosh, have they gotten a lot of my money, but they actually seem to have people who know what they're talking about) and he said that it's almost too late to plant broccoli. So, I hope they come up, or that the ones I'm still growing indoors will not die when I put them outside.

The lawn also needs mowing.

On a pleasant note; my grocery bill was quite small this week because I didn't seem to use up as much food as usual. Quite possibly I'm subsisting off lattes and cafeteria salads. I should probably make extra effort to eat only from home this week.

And, finally, I am looking forward to summer, even though I do *HATE* the heat.

Day After Easter

So, Easter has passed, and today is the first day of the rest of my dietary life (it occurs to me that I'm aaaalll the tiiiime.
going to have to find something new to fast from next Lent). Lent is, of course, over, and I have chosen to continue with the no processed sweeteners with the exception of parties and holidays and situations where it would possibly damage relationships/important impressions. Lent was quite easy this year, once I got past the first week or two and the headache and the feeling crazy hungry

It was much easier than last year, even pleasant. I feel that I learned a lot about eating food in a more godly way, but not a lot about God. Though, I did begin to have Bible times again, so that's something. However; I'm not sure the fast directed my focus to God as much as I was hoping it would. Ah well, there's always next Lent.

That said; I feel that I have a much greater appreciation for food now, for flavors, for the subtlety of flavor. I feel as though I understand more clearly the concept of food "for my joy and nutrition." I also feel much more confident in eating. I don't think anyone could look at anything I eat now and reasonably claim it's unhealthy. Not unless, perhaps, they were a local-organic-raw food-vegan. ;-)

This morning I woke up and knew that I had to work out. I think I was in Korea the last time I woke up and was like "I need water, and exercise, stat." Worked out for 55 minutes instead of my normal 32 and drank a nice amount of water. I watched the Christmas episode of Doctor Who while I was on the stair machine. it was awesome. I felt awesome afterwards. I love working out and feeling awesome! I mean, I hated making myself work out to get thin and feeling guilty afterwards! I love working out because it feels good!

Wasn't really very hungry today but I was really craving healthy food, which was kind of a tough place to be in because I didn't want to eat, but I wanted to eat. I think my body just wanted to make up for what I ate yesterday. My stomach has also been making crazy rumblings all day long.

Today I had:

A banana
A small apple with 1/4 cup of whole fat Greek yogurt
Two scrambled eggs with a sprinkling of cheese
Two pieces of whole sprouted grain sweetener free toast with "buttery spread"
a serving and a half of grass fed beef cooked in a cup and a half of water with organic tomato sauce
1/4 of a large white onion
about 2 cups of steamed kale
extra strong coffee with 1 cup of milk and 2/3 of a tablespoon of local raw honey
a fruit leather
2 (3?) cups of 100% whole grain curly noodle pasta
Oh, and a handful of organic cherry tomatoes



I think this could work.

My Garden Started, as Promised

So, here's my garden. Give it some time; it's not much right now, just a few tiny plants and some colored sticks. But, on the left you can see the tomato plant that survived the winter indoors. I hope that it's strong enough to deal with the

outside, but I feel like the indoor stuff is starting to get kind of spindley. I used a pesticide on them this morning because I came out to discover that two (three?) of my seedlings had been devoured last night. Not cool. I'm not sure what it is but I will check to see if it hurts bees before I use it once the plants start flowering. I buy (very) local honey anyway, so if it's a dangerous pesticide I might be eating it anyway. I'm fairly happy with how it's coming along. The weather on Monday is supposed to get down to 32, but I think that only the endive might have a hard time with that. I've also ground planted some, so we'll see how that goes. I look forward to what this garden is going to do, and to adding in some cucumber and a zucchini plant, maybe a few carrots, and my herbs later this spring.

Today is, for all intents and purposes, absolutely beautiful. I haven't seen a day this beautiful in quite a while. The weather is in the low 60s, the sky is clear. It was lovely and foggy and cool this morning. It's perfect. It's so perfect I'm ignoring the headache I've had all day (migraine? Allergies? Someone shared a sinus infection?).

Went shopping. Still trying to figure out how I can get eggs that are natural, fresh, and cheap. Still trying to keep my budget to $60 a week. Though, after consideration, it might be good to try for $55 or even $50. I know of a family of 6 (7?) that's trying to feed themselves for $400. I spend over $200 for one person. >.< And, they're trying to eat veggies and stuff. Wow. This is where time-sharing (that might not be the right term) and bartering come in (which is totally something I want to do, but I don't know how to get into it).

Woke up at 8:30am again this morning, so that's great because maybe the melatonin is starting to work its magic and reset my body clock to something reasonable.

A Stupid Article and Why I Will Not Return to Urban Active

So, cycle started yesterday, and boy did it start with a bang. For about 3 hours I felt like my legs were balloons and my vagina was about to fall out. Spent those three hours in the bath, where I turned the water a rusty red, twice. WTheck, body? WTheck? Then in the middle of the night I woke to more cramping.

I spent most of today studying, and I'm about to resume studying. I just...I want to address a Yahoo article I read (I know, pearls before swine). It was something like "Diet strategies that just don't work" or "diet fact and fiction." I'm not sure. I am, however; sad that now Yahoo will write more bs articles like this because other idiot ladies like me clicked the stupid STUPID link. I hate Yahoo. I hate it with a passion. It is a representation of all that is wrong in our society.

I'm not going to give them the satisfaction of clicking the link again in order to quote it, but aside from the first one (I don't know what to call it, myth? Pervasive dieting idea, they were doing this "true/false" thing), about weight loss being harder the smaller you get. Oh, my gosh. No. I take that back. I just remembered. It said "predicts just how long you'll have to say non to french fries." FOREVER, you twit! If eating french fries made you bigger the first time then any time in the future that you return to eating french fries will return you to your former size. This idea that bad-for-you food is a "right" of the thin because thin people don't get fat off it, only fat people do, is a myth. And it's disgusting, and it presents bad food as a "reward" and abstaining as "punishment" for being fat, and ugly, and a failure, and socially unacceptable.

So, here's the deal, the studies say that the smaller you are the lower your metabolism is. That is; the smaller you are the less you can eat before you start getting fat again. And yet, we have this idea that once you're skinny enough you can go back to eating like you did before, as a reward. And I know I see plenty of skinny people eating junk food all the time. Are they just still in the process of getting fat? Or, do they have better metabolisms? Is it that smaller people have better metabolisms and bigger people don't? And that bigger people's metabolisms will, in fact, get even WORSE if they loose weight? And will never restabilize? I really want to know. Because this whole line of thinking is like a maze with no end.

Then it was like "If you work out you won't loose weight. True." And proceeded to say, you won't loose weight but you'll loose tummy fat and get leaner and healthier. This is the kind of BS I'm talking about. You WILL loose weight, when we mean "fat" by weight, because only someone with disordered eating/body image is going to think that all "weight" is bad. If I loose a dress size from working out but  no "weight," I am going to be CONFIDENT THAT I AM HEALTHIER. SCREW YOU SOCIETY. SCREW YOU.

There was more. The whole article was awful. The ideas presented were awful. Eat right, not because it's punishment, but because it's a reward. Learn to see bad food as bad. Learn to see good behavior, like being active or working out (and communicating effectively, and healthy body image, and good time management skills) as good. Forget these stupid bs articles, they lie.

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One more thing before I go. Two years ago I started at Urban Active. When I started I was told that one of the trainers would show me how to use the machines when I came in. So, on my first day I went to the trainer station and said I'd been told someone would tell me how to use the machines. I was pretty shy because I'd just come back from Korea and was still in that "passive Asian femininity" mode. So, when I waited a LONG time, and they had me fill out a sheet on my eating habits and working out (I knew I wanted to loose some weight, I'd put some on in the two months I'd been back), I didn't say anything, even though I had no idea what this had to do with the work out machines.

I tried to tell them why I was there. I wanted to know how to use the machines. When they said they were going to weigh me I didn't say anything even though I had no idea what this had to do with the machines. Finally a trainer came up to me and said I was 2 pounds obese and needed to loose 37 pounds, and that would only cost me about $40 a week. I was horrified, both at being called fat when I was already insecure, and being told I needed to loose almost twice the amount I had wanted to.  I just wanted to know how to  use the machines. At least I had the confidence to turn down the "offer" to drain my VERY limited bank account. He took me into a work out room and started running me through a private useful-only-with-a-trainer work out.

I said, again, that I wanted to know how to use the work out machines. He looked at me with this patronizing smile and said "Only the guys use the weight machines. You don't want to look like a guy do you?" I hung my head and said no. OF COURSE I WANT TO LOOK LIKE A GUY IF A GUY GETS TO EAT WHATEVER THE HELL HE WANTS AND HAS HARDLY ANY BODY FAT, YOU ASSHOLE!! I wish I'd said that. I hate body stereotypes  I am so embarrassed that I let that guy shame me. And angry. Angry at myself, angry at them. I never did learn how to use the weight machines, and I was too humiliated to ever go back and ask again. I spent the next six months working out two+ hours a day on the treadmill/stairmachine at the gym, until I felt like puking, limiting my calories to about 1100 a day, desperate to loose weight, going home and crying EVERY DAY because I still wasn't small enough. Never did loose all 37 pounds. Finally, I dropped the gym membership, because I couldn't handle it anymore.

Urban Active, you're a fat shaming body stereotyping bully and I will forever encourage everyone I know to NOT go to your gym.

What I Should be Eating a.k.a. Food I Want Other People to Compliment Me On

Oh, come on. It's not like you don't think it, too.
You want to eat well in front of people because you want them to look at you and think wow, she has such discipline, such self control. Health and beauty are really a priority to her.

What? Just me? Ah, well... ^,~

So, my goal is to eat between 1,100 and 1,400 calories a day.
With 150 on the larger end for sweets or something. However, I'd rather eat perfect for 6 days and then eat whatever I want on the seventh.

Perhaps that's not very healthy but the way I logic it out is that the body can only absorb so many calories at a time, right? So, beer one day a week, those lovely cinnamon rolls one day a week, and ramen with cheese one day a week.

That being said, I'd like to start cutting the sweets even on the one day (the "one day" that's been, like, 21 days in a row at this point. Jeez). That's because I want to loose more belly fat (and back fat, I would like a sculpted back) and I've heard that sugar does not help that.

Actually, I've found that excess sugar makes work outs hard, and recovering from them harder. And, I get really thirsty after eating a bunch of sweets. I'm telling myself that's NOT pre-diabetes. Because, really, my cousins don't have it and their as big as me, or bigger, and my mother has been overweight for years and years more than me and she's not got diabetes, my father either.  So, yes, being paranoid. Being overweight for 4 years does not give you diabetes.

Back on track.

I'd like to eat about 300-400 calories in fruits and veggies.
About 200-300 in breads/grains
100-150 in dairy (a milk and a yogurt)
And the rest in protein (eggs and nuts and seeds).

I think that's the right amounts of each. We'll see. I know protein is neccessary, I just don't know how much. And I neeeeeeed carbs. I don't have a diet plan so I'm counting everything.

When I'm not being lazy I make a mean healthy veggie and egg drop soup. It's amazing.
It has chard and broccoli leaf and mustard leaf and spinach and onion and garlic and carrot and tomato and some other things I found at the grocery store and mushrooms and turmeric and cayenne and ginger and salt (and egg of course). It's amazing. I said that already. Well, it is.

I could eat that soup for breakfast and dinner every day. Especially if I could include a rye bread roll. Wow. That just makes it about 3 times more wonderful than it was before.

I eat a lot of fruit, to try to supplement my sweet tooth. And when I'm diligent enough to cut up carrots I eat them in place of crunchy things.

I have frozen fruit in my freezer so I can make smoothies in place of ice cream.
And I make my soup stocks mostly from scratch.

I try to add ginger and cayenne to everything I can. Drinks and foods, whatever.

I try to drink tea at least once a day.

And, my goal is a liter and a half of water a day.