Slight Change in Workout Plans

My stair machine broke four days ago. I was using it and I heard a popping sound, and then a few more popping sounds, and my feet both dropped to the bar. the cord that held the pully had snapped. I think I have a warranty that I bought somewhere in a box or file around here. I need to find it so Wal-Mart can replace this thing. Unless, of course, they consider using the stair machine as voiding the warranty. I am sure it has never been dropped or kicked or used for any reason other than its purpose.

Either way, my workouts have been moved out doors in the past few days. I'm now doing strength training entirely independently of cardio, because I don't have the stamina to run every day and not get too sore to move after a few days. I've been running every other day, which is miserable and reminds me why I got the stair machine in the first place, but effective none-the-less.

I've been doing running in intervals. The first work out was 10 two-minute runs with 1 minute of rest in between. It was a cool day and I was booking it; an 11 minute mile when three of those minutes were walking. The next time I ran I was eager to see if I could run at that speed without the rests. I can't. Even at 10 in the morning it had already gotten into the 80s and was shockingly muggy. In addition I was still dealing with soreness from the previous run and the allergies are ridiculous. I ran 1.2 miles (1 lap at the park) in 13.5 minutes with a significant slow down in the last 0.2 miles where the heat got to me and I was feeling my toast and egg breakfast start to come back up. It was all I could do to finish the lap. I'm disappointed, but I don't suppose I should be since I haven't run at all in 8 months and it was very hot and humid and I'm sure that the constant stream of snot running down my throat and out of my nose to blend with the sweat dripping off me didn't help in the slightest. I finished out the workout with intervals or running again.

I think I could make a 10 minute mile if the morning was nice and all I had to run was a mile and I'd had a light breakfast (eg. an apple and a piece of toast and tea with no milk).

Breathing has been fine both times, no gasping, no short quick breaths. I wonder if I could loosen the control on my breathing, if that would speed me up or slow me down.

That being said; neither workout was fun. I don't like running. It's not relaxing or soothing. It does not make me feel happy or refreshed or successful. It's only meditative in the sense of forcing yourself to focus on a single thing.

I suppose I should be happy that I can run a mile, or even 1.2 miles, since most people can't.

It occurs to me that when I returned from my first stint in Korea I could run three laps at this park without much trouble. And compared to that my present running ability and run time isn't great. But...when I look back at myself during that time...I had few friends, no confidence, I was often distressed, I felt like I had to workout had to run had to be beautiful through health. I just...wouldn't go back to that place for the life of me. Maybe I can't run 3.6 miles anymore, but I'll be damned if I'm not far happier with myself now and in a much better place than I ever was then.

. . .

I need to find that warranty.

Some Things I've Learned About my Body

You know, every body is different, everyone is different, but every body is a little different, too.

As I go on this journey of body and food and health, I'm learning things about my body and I'm learning to accept things about my body. Here are some things about my body, they are okay, they aren't bad, some people will share each of these things, some won't. They are part of what make me unique and make my body mine.

• I have thick legs. From big thighs to big knees to big ankles, my body keeps width and breadth and fat in my legs more than anywhere else. My thighs will always touch, and my calves will always be big. But in addition to being large, my legs have a great capacity for muscle. I remember being on crew and having nearly the most powerful legs on the team, and now as yesterday I did 40 squats, 30 calf raises, and 30 lunges yesterday along with an hour of cardio and hardly a groan or whimper from my legs today I'm reminded that my legs are strong; they are get-me-places legs. I used to hate my legs, but now I think that it's very unfortunate that I had such a limited idea of beauty that it would even cause me to turn against myself.
• My ribs are wide from the front view and narrow from the side. This is sort of the opposite of what I expected or wanted when I was younger. There are only a few inches between my hips and ribs in my  waist so when I get smaller a lot of the smaller happens from the profile view, it makes my waist-to-hip ratio from the profile look to be about 60% where from the front it looks to be about 80%. Really, this is just how different bodies are. Would I be so bound to societaly approved idea of Caucasian beauty that, like the Victorians, I'd have my floating rib removed to make my waist look smaller from the front view? I'm ashamed to say that in my early 20s I would have considered it. Now, no, I wouldn't. 
• I have wide shoulders. 

Update on Me and The Magic Eye Gift of Beauty

Sorry I haven't given an update on my garden. It's had its ups and downs but generally it's doing very well and right now I don't have to buy any veggies except maybe an avocado or an onion or some mushrooms from the grocery. Hopefully I will actually get around to giving an in depth garden update. I should be doing some very important other things so there's a fair chance I'll do the update instead.

I did my monthly weigh. I've now lost 31 pounds, from January 5th to June 11th. I no longer fit the medical definition of "obese."

I kind of want to discuss that.
I guess I'm not "fat" anymore, at least by a Southern definition. I know that the definition of fat varies incredibly. I feel like it should be a big deal, and for about an hour it was.

But... when I look in the mirror I see the same person I saw 31 pounds ago. I might catch glimpses of differences but overall she looks quite the same to me. No significant change of any kind. Other people see a change. I don't.

I've come to understand that about myself.

I don't expect to "see" a change.

I could lose another 31 pounds and I would still see the same person.

So, it's not about (can't be about) changing how I look, to look better, because my eyes can't see anything else. It has to be about health, about kindness to myself, because "better" is a result I will never be able to see with my eyes.

When I look at myself I always see the same "flaws" and the same body. I've learned that I can't create myself beautiful, I have to learn to see myself beautiful. Like seeing a magic eye picture, I have to learn to look differently, or I'll never see what I want, no matter how the picture changes.

I don't feel much different, but I can pull my knees closer to my chest now, and when I'm driving and I wedge my foot against the door (I know, if I get in a car accident it's going to break my leg) my knee doesn't touch the steering wheel now. Also, my clothes are loose and sometimes I can see some muscle tone in places I couldn't before.

The biggest change is my endurance. Work outs can now go 90 minutes. I can hold a plank pose for a minute (three minutes in a row with roughly a 10 second break in between), I can do 7 or 8 real push ups, the weights I hold while doing cardio are heavier. Those are the big differences.

Hopefully, one day I'll be able to look in the mirror and see a beautiful body, no matter the size or shape, and that once I can finally look with the right eyes I'll be able to help other people see with those eyes, too.

Eating

I'm going to post two entries today, because I feel they're pretty different topics.

First, eating. I'm convinced that I've been eating significantly less lately, since the spider bite (or there around). Let me tell you why, I didn't run out of food last week. In fact, I have about half of last week's food left, even staples like pasta and eggs and fruit and cheese.

You see, each week I only buy about as much food as I think I will eat for the next week (except for meat, which I buy two weeks' worth of, and things like olive oil and spices). So, if I'm eating about half of that in a week, that's a pretty significant decrease in food intake. I've also noticed that I'm tending toward eating only two real meals a day, with  maybe a third small meal/snack.

Frankly, I'm not entirely sure why this is happening. It could be that my body is changing, it could be because I was sick. It could be because of the antibiotics, or maybe the topamax. But here's the thing, the bite is almost entirely healed, I haven't taken the antibiotics in two days, and I haven't taken the topamax in 4 or 5 (which is more days than I took it).

So, is the lack of appetite the left over meds in my system, or the left over toxins or just a change in my own body?

I don't know.

Part of me is happy about this. The upside is that I'm not hungry as often. Not being hungry is nice as being hungry is unpleasant. Also, if this persists it means I might actually be able to keep within my food budget when I move. That's a nice prospect.

Part of me is uncomfortable with this. First, your body needs food to provide itself with vitamins and nutrients, if you're not eating much, you're not getting those important vitamins and nutrients. Second, I hope I've made this clear in previous posts, but I think that our culture/country's obsession with cutting calories is absolute bullshit. In fact, I think that cutting calories can cause the metabolism to slow and can cause malnutrition. I believe that it's our intake of "artificial" foods and specifically of processed sweeteners (both caloric and non-caloric) that have cause the "obesity epidemic." I think that the entire "obesity epidemic" campaign is a giant fucking red herring to redirect blame at the subjects suffering rather than at the businesses and policies that support produce and peddle and distribute the products causing the suffering.

Additionally, and especially, I believe that if you are physically active, exercise regularly, get enough sleep, love yourself, are socially proactive, as psychologically healthy as you are presently able to be, practice stress reduction techniques, and eat a diet largely free of processed foods and sweeteners than you are healthy. Healthy and beautiful. And you have a right to live in light of that knowledge. It doesn't matter what weight you are. If you're living like that and your weight drops, great, if your weight stays the same, great, if you weight goes up, great (maybe you're building muscle, maybe you were too skinny). I think that body-hatred and self-hatred is far more destructive to a life than extra weight is to health.

Soooooooo, when I look at my own body and see that I went 10 hours without eating on Saturday and was fine with it, I'm not sure I'm fine with it, but it's definitely keeping costs down.

P.S. This is a link to a really great infographic about the average calories someone in a variety of countries consumes in a day (the results will surprise you, particularly considering that the diet industry is telling women that they should eat between 1200 and 1500 calories a day for the rest of their life) that I think everyone should look at and a lot of the comments are quite good as well.

You Don't Need to Change Your Vagina

Body love is body love. Love your body, love your vagina.

Grown women have grown women's vaginas, and grown women's vaginas are bigger, and darker, and curlier, and hairier than a little girl's. If it's not sick, don't change it. Don't let a sick society tell you that there's something wrong or ugly about you when there's not. Stand proud! Be your natural beautiful you! And, if a man you're with, or who you talked to,is so indoctrinated that he thinks that the flat, child-like, plastic, porn star vagina is the only one he'll take then drop the asswipe (or, say "fair's fair" and ask him to get his bits waxed, his balls nipped, and his penis extended so he looks like the ideal, too). I know there are men who agree with me, and if more women stood up for their right to be unique and have beautifully unique vaginas then, I promise, even more men would agree.

But really. Your vagina is awesome just the way it is. Just like you.

Here is a link to a great article:
http://jezebel.com/5977025/unhappy-with-your-gross-vagina-why-not-try-the-barbie
and here's a link to a tumblr account that shows all kinds of vaginas (even some, gasp, hairy ones):
http://vaginasoftheworld.tumblr.com/page/8

Day After Easter

So, Easter has passed, and today is the first day of the rest of my dietary life (it occurs to me that I'm aaaalll the tiiiime.
going to have to find something new to fast from next Lent). Lent is, of course, over, and I have chosen to continue with the no processed sweeteners with the exception of parties and holidays and situations where it would possibly damage relationships/important impressions. Lent was quite easy this year, once I got past the first week or two and the headache and the feeling crazy hungry

It was much easier than last year, even pleasant. I feel that I learned a lot about eating food in a more godly way, but not a lot about God. Though, I did begin to have Bible times again, so that's something. However; I'm not sure the fast directed my focus to God as much as I was hoping it would. Ah well, there's always next Lent.

That said; I feel that I have a much greater appreciation for food now, for flavors, for the subtlety of flavor. I feel as though I understand more clearly the concept of food "for my joy and nutrition." I also feel much more confident in eating. I don't think anyone could look at anything I eat now and reasonably claim it's unhealthy. Not unless, perhaps, they were a local-organic-raw food-vegan. ;-)

This morning I woke up and knew that I had to work out. I think I was in Korea the last time I woke up and was like "I need water, and exercise, stat." Worked out for 55 minutes instead of my normal 32 and drank a nice amount of water. I watched the Christmas episode of Doctor Who while I was on the stair machine. it was awesome. I felt awesome afterwards. I love working out and feeling awesome! I mean, I hated making myself work out to get thin and feeling guilty afterwards! I love working out because it feels good!

Wasn't really very hungry today but I was really craving healthy food, which was kind of a tough place to be in because I didn't want to eat, but I wanted to eat. I think my body just wanted to make up for what I ate yesterday. My stomach has also been making crazy rumblings all day long.

Today I had:

A banana
A small apple with 1/4 cup of whole fat Greek yogurt
Two scrambled eggs with a sprinkling of cheese
Two pieces of whole sprouted grain sweetener free toast with "buttery spread"
a serving and a half of grass fed beef cooked in a cup and a half of water with organic tomato sauce
1/4 of a large white onion
about 2 cups of steamed kale
extra strong coffee with 1 cup of milk and 2/3 of a tablespoon of local raw honey
a fruit leather
2 (3?) cups of 100% whole grain curly noodle pasta
Oh, and a handful of organic cherry tomatoes



I think this could work.

Greek Yogurt and Why we Eat

I want to take a minute to give a shout out to Greek Yogurt. Particularly, the Greek Gods brand plain Greek yogurt. I love it. Love might actually be an appropriate word. I enjoy it every time I put it in my mouth. I put it on top of beans and cheese, in sandwiches, and, mostly, dip my fruit in it. My cat also loves it and more than once I have turned my head away from my bowl only to look back moments later and find his head, or his paw in the yogurt.. He says "I licked it, it's mine now." Haha, silly cat. I ate the yogurt anyway (and probably have a cat disease now, but that's beside the point).

I've noticed that a lot of people have an issue with the thickness, and the flavor. I'm not sure what that issue is since I've loved Greek yogurt from the first time I tried it. But then, I've lived abroad and tasted a lot of things that most people here in America would find pretty unpalatable, so that may have skewed my perception of flavors (for the better, I say). Also, as I've mentioned before, I'm off sweeteners, so it may be that even the slightest bit of sweetness is detectable to me. To me Greek Gods plain (fatted, no 0% fat) Greek yogurt tastes like cream. Really, who wouldn't want that? It's also really low in sugar and high in protein (I noticed right away when I first started eating Greek yogurt that it kept me full for a long time), and it has healthy fats and bacterias that aid in the digestion and the processing of nutrients. I would suggest it to anyone. I would suggest it to you. You should try it. Chop up an apple and dip it in the yogurt. It's awesome.

While I'm on the topic of awesome food, I wanted to talk a little about the purpose of eating and why we eat.

I feel like food, and food perception is really skewed in this country. I don't think many people would disagree with me.

I feel as though food as become the great comfort, or the great enemy. You either consume as much of it as you can, using it like a blanket to ward off the difficulties of life, or you treat it as a necessary evil, consuming as little as possible in order to be sociallymorally <-this is a new word, I made it, dibs) good.

There is a pastor at my church (yes, this is related), who I have lovingly dubbed "the crying pastor," because he's a guy with emotions, and he's not afraid to show them. Honestly, sometimes I tune him out when he gets really emotional, but that's one of my issues, not his, and I try to listen, and something he said did get through. Let that be a lesson to all the pastors who think none one is listening, even the ones who aren't, are.

He kept saying that we should use food for the reasons that God gave us; for our joy and our nourishment  For our joy and our nourishment. Our joy, and our nourishment  Not just nutrition, not comfort at all, not as a balm, not just because. He's said it many times (or it felt to me that he has). I ignored it the first time, thought about it the second, and then by the third time it started to sink into me. I heard another pastor say the same thing, and started to wonder if there was something I was missing. How often would I eat lovely foods, but not for joy? When was the last time I enjoyed my food; just took joy in my food? Was I eating for nutrition, to feed my body, to nourish it? Or, when I ate, was it with the goal of "making up" for the "sin" of the bad food, or with the goal of "thinness" rather than health? I knew the answer to that, and I didn't like it.

Around this time I was also thinking heavily about body perception, fat shaming, and body acceptance. I'd started reading books like Fat? So what? I thought 'I should start enjoying my food.' So I did. I tried to stop eating ice cream with guilt. If I was going to eat it, I should love it. I stopped eating with guilt. I put on some weight. I made every effort to love my body. And then I started to think about eating for my nourishment. What did I think that looked like? (What could I afford?) Lent began. I gave up sweeteners.

I still do my best to enjoy my food, to let it bring me joy. It's a fight, to see food at something to nourish my body and bring me joy, but I'm trying, just like I'm trying to love my body, no matter what size it is. Greek yogurt is one of those foods that brings me joy.

So, eat food for nourishment, eat it for joy. And, if you're feeling adventurous
. Try some yogurt.