Slight Change in Workout Plans

My stair machine broke four days ago. I was using it and I heard a popping sound, and then a few more popping sounds, and my feet both dropped to the bar. the cord that held the pully had snapped. I think I have a warranty that I bought somewhere in a box or file around here. I need to find it so Wal-Mart can replace this thing. Unless, of course, they consider using the stair machine as voiding the warranty. I am sure it has never been dropped or kicked or used for any reason other than its purpose.

Either way, my workouts have been moved out doors in the past few days. I'm now doing strength training entirely independently of cardio, because I don't have the stamina to run every day and not get too sore to move after a few days. I've been running every other day, which is miserable and reminds me why I got the stair machine in the first place, but effective none-the-less.

I've been doing running in intervals. The first work out was 10 two-minute runs with 1 minute of rest in between. It was a cool day and I was booking it; an 11 minute mile when three of those minutes were walking. The next time I ran I was eager to see if I could run at that speed without the rests. I can't. Even at 10 in the morning it had already gotten into the 80s and was shockingly muggy. In addition I was still dealing with soreness from the previous run and the allergies are ridiculous. I ran 1.2 miles (1 lap at the park) in 13.5 minutes with a significant slow down in the last 0.2 miles where the heat got to me and I was feeling my toast and egg breakfast start to come back up. It was all I could do to finish the lap. I'm disappointed, but I don't suppose I should be since I haven't run at all in 8 months and it was very hot and humid and I'm sure that the constant stream of snot running down my throat and out of my nose to blend with the sweat dripping off me didn't help in the slightest. I finished out the workout with intervals or running again.

I think I could make a 10 minute mile if the morning was nice and all I had to run was a mile and I'd had a light breakfast (eg. an apple and a piece of toast and tea with no milk).

Breathing has been fine both times, no gasping, no short quick breaths. I wonder if I could loosen the control on my breathing, if that would speed me up or slow me down.

That being said; neither workout was fun. I don't like running. It's not relaxing or soothing. It does not make me feel happy or refreshed or successful. It's only meditative in the sense of forcing yourself to focus on a single thing.

I suppose I should be happy that I can run a mile, or even 1.2 miles, since most people can't.

It occurs to me that when I returned from my first stint in Korea I could run three laps at this park without much trouble. And compared to that my present running ability and run time isn't great. But...when I look back at myself during that time...I had few friends, no confidence, I was often distressed, I felt like I had to workout had to run had to be beautiful through health. I just...wouldn't go back to that place for the life of me. Maybe I can't run 3.6 miles anymore, but I'll be damned if I'm not far happier with myself now and in a much better place than I ever was then.

. . .

I need to find that warranty.

I just Discovered an Amazing Website!

It's called Beauty Redefined, and you should really really take a look.

Some Things I've Learned About my Body

You know, every body is different, everyone is different, but every body is a little different, too.

As I go on this journey of body and food and health, I'm learning things about my body and I'm learning to accept things about my body. Here are some things about my body, they are okay, they aren't bad, some people will share each of these things, some won't. They are part of what make me unique and make my body mine.

• I have thick legs. From big thighs to big knees to big ankles, my body keeps width and breadth and fat in my legs more than anywhere else. My thighs will always touch, and my calves will always be big. But in addition to being large, my legs have a great capacity for muscle. I remember being on crew and having nearly the most powerful legs on the team, and now as yesterday I did 40 squats, 30 calf raises, and 30 lunges yesterday along with an hour of cardio and hardly a groan or whimper from my legs today I'm reminded that my legs are strong; they are get-me-places legs. I used to hate my legs, but now I think that it's very unfortunate that I had such a limited idea of beauty that it would even cause me to turn against myself.
• My ribs are wide from the front view and narrow from the side. This is sort of the opposite of what I expected or wanted when I was younger. There are only a few inches between my hips and ribs in my  waist so when I get smaller a lot of the smaller happens from the profile view, it makes my waist-to-hip ratio from the profile look to be about 60% where from the front it looks to be about 80%. Really, this is just how different bodies are. Would I be so bound to societaly approved idea of Caucasian beauty that, like the Victorians, I'd have my floating rib removed to make my waist look smaller from the front view? I'm ashamed to say that in my early 20s I would have considered it. Now, no, I wouldn't. 
• I have wide shoulders. 

Lemons and Fruit Water

I've decided to try and add more lemon to my diet. It doesn't seem difficult at all and I've read a lot about the benefits of lemon.
It became really apparent to me today that I could do this easily because I'd made a pitcher of lemon water. I can't remember if I blogged about fruit water but it's something I've been trying this summer; making fruit waters (last summer I tried making your own fruit popsicles, which were nice but required  a lot of cleaning and blending. I'd probably enjoy it more this year but I'm not really feeling it). I know the blogs I read talked about eating the fruit after the water was gone but I've found the fruit has gone sort of soft and flavorless by the time the water is gone so it just goes the compost. Some of them were good, like the melon water, others haven't been so good. Yesterday I chopped up a skinned lemon and half a skinned lime and tossed it in to make lemon water.

It's delicious.

Like, shockingly delicious.

I may drink the whole pitcher tonight.

Lemons aren't very expensive. Thus, Yay! I have found a way to incorporate more lemons into my diet.

P.S. The reason I don't use lemon juice is because a lot of the lemon juices have added sugars or flavorings or preservatives. It just seems better to use the real thing, you know?

Regular Lunch

Hey folks. I wanted to show you guys what I would normally eat for lunch, or, say, my second meal of the day (which can really happen any time between 11 and 6).

Here we have a plate with a serving of salmon. I might switch this up salmon, talapia, chicken, beef, eggs if I'm feeling really lazy, nuts and Greek yogurt if I'm feeling really really lazy...

Also, we have about two servings of pasta. After I took the picture I added half a tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil, organic cayenne powder, organic paprika, Parmesan cheese, and three chopped basil leaves. That's pretty normal for me though usually I'll add garlic instead of cayenne. I felt spicy today.

The veggies are one large sauteed mushroom and the other half of the giant zucchini I got from my garden a few days ago. To them I added garlic and pepper and a pinch of salt (1/6 of a teaspoon), and sauteed them in a tablespoon of olive oil. And, because I felt like it, though I don't do this every day, I shredded a little mozzarella over the top.

Then I proceeded to eat only half the plate before I was stuffed and put the rest in the fridge for dinner. Ah well.

Update on Me and The Magic Eye Gift of Beauty

Sorry I haven't given an update on my garden. It's had its ups and downs but generally it's doing very well and right now I don't have to buy any veggies except maybe an avocado or an onion or some mushrooms from the grocery. Hopefully I will actually get around to giving an in depth garden update. I should be doing some very important other things so there's a fair chance I'll do the update instead.

I did my monthly weigh. I've now lost 31 pounds, from January 5th to June 11th. I no longer fit the medical definition of "obese."

I kind of want to discuss that.
I guess I'm not "fat" anymore, at least by a Southern definition. I know that the definition of fat varies incredibly. I feel like it should be a big deal, and for about an hour it was.

But... when I look in the mirror I see the same person I saw 31 pounds ago. I might catch glimpses of differences but overall she looks quite the same to me. No significant change of any kind. Other people see a change. I don't.

I've come to understand that about myself.

I don't expect to "see" a change.

I could lose another 31 pounds and I would still see the same person.

So, it's not about (can't be about) changing how I look, to look better, because my eyes can't see anything else. It has to be about health, about kindness to myself, because "better" is a result I will never be able to see with my eyes.

When I look at myself I always see the same "flaws" and the same body. I've learned that I can't create myself beautiful, I have to learn to see myself beautiful. Like seeing a magic eye picture, I have to learn to look differently, or I'll never see what I want, no matter how the picture changes.

I don't feel much different, but I can pull my knees closer to my chest now, and when I'm driving and I wedge my foot against the door (I know, if I get in a car accident it's going to break my leg) my knee doesn't touch the steering wheel now. Also, my clothes are loose and sometimes I can see some muscle tone in places I couldn't before.

The biggest change is my endurance. Work outs can now go 90 minutes. I can hold a plank pose for a minute (three minutes in a row with roughly a 10 second break in between), I can do 7 or 8 real push ups, the weights I hold while doing cardio are heavier. Those are the big differences.

Hopefully, one day I'll be able to look in the mirror and see a beautiful body, no matter the size or shape, and that once I can finally look with the right eyes I'll be able to help other people see with those eyes, too.

A Regression Into and Out of Numbers

I'm not perfect.

My psychological state isn't perfect, my health isn't perfect.

I do hope you know that.

I'm hoping that I can voice this, well write it, and get it out of my head.

As a warning, I am about to argue with myself, and this could be triggery for those of you who suffer from eating disorders. For that I apologize.

Last I weighed I was somewhere between 186 and 188. I made the mistake of weighing twice in a week. Stupid.

My brain is saying, you lost [almost] 8 pounds last month. You could do it again. Maybe your metabolism has sped up. Maybe it will happen again and again. If you lost 8 pounds this month and in the two months following that would be 24 pounds. 24 pounds in three months. That's 2 pounds a week. That's twice your previous speed. You should work out more, eat less. Maybe you could be 150 by December, maybe you could be 145. 210 minus 65 is 145. That's more than 1/4 of your weight. 210 minus 4 minus 5 minus 5 minus....

This.

This is why I am not weighing myself. 

Welcome to the dark side of my mind. This counting and recounting doesn't just relate to weight, it goes to calories and to other things, if I let it.

It's anxiety. My anxiety. Trying to contain itself by counting.

My mind does this with things I'm anxious about, it tries to circle back on itself. When I'm worried about a situation my mind rehashes all possible outcomes that it can consider, each more extreme than the last in a cycle that used to drive me mad.

And, honestly, sometimes still does.

My mind is full of sinkholes.

But I've learned what others haven't; you don't have to fall in.

If you don't fall in, eventually they start to seal over.

*I wanted to show you all this thinking because I want to discuss why it's wrong, how it's wrong*  (and maybe pull myself further from this sink hole, walk away instead of sticking my toe in)

I do not believe that my weight determines my beauty or my value or my success in pursuing health. I see nothing but crackpot evidence of any of those things. What does it matter if I'm 145 or 150? Will I be more beautiful? Will I feel more beautiful? No. I've lost weight before with the "I'll be better, I'll be more when" mentality, and I was miserable. I lost opportunities because by the time I "got there" I was so consumed with "not good enough" that I was lost in it. No, losing weight, specifically losing to a "goal" weight, won't make me feel more beautiful.

And, I believe that beauty is innate. I believe that beauty comes from *existing* beautifully; from being spiritually healthy, from treating your body and mind well, from making intimate connections, from doing good, from loving yourself, from loving others, from being your best self. This is beauty. All people are capable of beauty at all stages of life, all sizes, all ages. So, no, losing weight cannot make me more beautiful, because beauty is more than something that can be bought or sold, beauty is not something you can cake on or take away. So, no, losing weight won't make me more beautiful.

Will it make me more valuable? Perhaps to some, but to none who matter. Do I resent those who think weight and value are correlated? Yes. Do I see them as morally deficient? Yes! Do I think they harm society with their views? Yes! Do I want to impress or give a sense of validity to those who I feel are socially disruptive and morally deficient? No. So, I cannot consider that any social "value" gained by weight loss would have any gain me. No more than blood money. You win and you loose, and the latter in far greater measure.

Will losing to a particular goal weight make me healthier? I really really really don't believe so. No. It won't. I am healthy. I exercise for an hour nearly every day. I do my best to  make sure I get enough sleep. I work hard to ensure and maintain a healthy psychological state. I pursue my faith. I have removed all things both made of and containing sugar or any processed sweetener from my diet. I try to laugh every day. I go to the doctor when I'm sick. I avoid excess. No, I'm healthy. As long as I continue to do these things to the best of my ability, I am healthy. Only idiots who look only at numbers would think that I'd be more healthy at a low goal weight.

Even if all the idiots thought I was healthy, I'd be unhappy. No, that's not a worthy exchange.

Besides, the likelihood of continuing to lose weight at any one speed, is highly unlikely. The body is not like a car that you can set to cruise control. It varies with time of year, food intake, stress, and hormones. Additionally  the lower your weight, the less you will lose, if you are losing, if you should lose at all for optimum health, because the lower it goes (to a point, obviously), the closer you get to your healthy weight. Yours. Not some got-dam chart made up by someone obsessed with saving insurance companies money (does it not seem odd, the concept that an insurance company is a business and not a charity nullifies the purpose of being insurance...). We are not numbers, we are not statistics.

Beyond all that, it's far more likely that the 8 pounds was a fluke, maybe even a fluke of the scale, particularly seeing as I'd lost 5 pounds each in the 3 previous months. To make a number goal, to obsess, to count and recount as my mind is inclined to is a recipe for pain, both psychological pain in the form of intense anxiety and self doubt, and the pain of disappointment when I inevitably fail to reach a goal I have never ever reached, not even with my best previous efforts.

So, this is how I will close; 

The numbers don't matter, and the time doesn't matter.

I am healthy, and I will continue to be healthy. It would be nice to get below "obese," but I don't have to. I am healthy, my body will go where it needs to. I trust it.

I am committed to loving my body now. If it changes, I will love it then too, and I will love the memory of how my body was.

I am beautiful now. I will practice existing beautifully.

I am valuable now. Value is one of the most inalienable rights. Right up there with beauty. And, like beauty, it cannot be diminished by there being more people with it. It is innate to us (this is why the darkness of the world tries to convince us we don't have it, or that we've lost it). I will practice living in light of that knowledge; that I am very valuable, that we all are.

I am eternal. I will live in light of eternity. I understand that I am a baby in this universe and I will pursue beautiful maturity in all things, but especially my soul.

:-)

Eating

I'm going to post two entries today, because I feel they're pretty different topics.

First, eating. I'm convinced that I've been eating significantly less lately, since the spider bite (or there around). Let me tell you why, I didn't run out of food last week. In fact, I have about half of last week's food left, even staples like pasta and eggs and fruit and cheese.

You see, each week I only buy about as much food as I think I will eat for the next week (except for meat, which I buy two weeks' worth of, and things like olive oil and spices). So, if I'm eating about half of that in a week, that's a pretty significant decrease in food intake. I've also noticed that I'm tending toward eating only two real meals a day, with  maybe a third small meal/snack.

Frankly, I'm not entirely sure why this is happening. It could be that my body is changing, it could be because I was sick. It could be because of the antibiotics, or maybe the topamax. But here's the thing, the bite is almost entirely healed, I haven't taken the antibiotics in two days, and I haven't taken the topamax in 4 or 5 (which is more days than I took it).

So, is the lack of appetite the left over meds in my system, or the left over toxins or just a change in my own body?

I don't know.

Part of me is happy about this. The upside is that I'm not hungry as often. Not being hungry is nice as being hungry is unpleasant. Also, if this persists it means I might actually be able to keep within my food budget when I move. That's a nice prospect.

Part of me is uncomfortable with this. First, your body needs food to provide itself with vitamins and nutrients, if you're not eating much, you're not getting those important vitamins and nutrients. Second, I hope I've made this clear in previous posts, but I think that our culture/country's obsession with cutting calories is absolute bullshit. In fact, I think that cutting calories can cause the metabolism to slow and can cause malnutrition. I believe that it's our intake of "artificial" foods and specifically of processed sweeteners (both caloric and non-caloric) that have cause the "obesity epidemic." I think that the entire "obesity epidemic" campaign is a giant fucking red herring to redirect blame at the subjects suffering rather than at the businesses and policies that support produce and peddle and distribute the products causing the suffering.

Additionally, and especially, I believe that if you are physically active, exercise regularly, get enough sleep, love yourself, are socially proactive, as psychologically healthy as you are presently able to be, practice stress reduction techniques, and eat a diet largely free of processed foods and sweeteners than you are healthy. Healthy and beautiful. And you have a right to live in light of that knowledge. It doesn't matter what weight you are. If you're living like that and your weight drops, great, if your weight stays the same, great, if you weight goes up, great (maybe you're building muscle, maybe you were too skinny). I think that body-hatred and self-hatred is far more destructive to a life than extra weight is to health.

Soooooooo, when I look at my own body and see that I went 10 hours without eating on Saturday and was fine with it, I'm not sure I'm fine with it, but it's definitely keeping costs down.

P.S. This is a link to a really great infographic about the average calories someone in a variety of countries consumes in a day (the results will surprise you, particularly considering that the diet industry is telling women that they should eat between 1200 and 1500 calories a day for the rest of their life) that I think everyone should look at and a lot of the comments are quite good as well.

Real Update on Garden and Healthy Life

Right.

So, first things first; my garden! It seems to actually be coming along now.

Yes, it still looks mostly like a garden of bottles, but things are growing under the bottles. See.
And, I actually have 3 broccoli plants that may live. Yay!

And my spinach is doing quite well.

I also have my first flower on a pea plant!

I now have kale, chard, lettuce, endive, peas, watermelon, cucumber, squash, broccoli, tomato, spinach, carrots, basil, and (maybe) stevia growing. I need to weed again and replant the pepper seeds. I also have several seedlings indoors. I'm waiting to let them get a little bigger and a little tougher before I figure out where to put them outside. I still have some spots where things could go, particularly in the partly shaded part of the garden things are more sparse, and I could add a few plants. I also need to plant a couple more basil, or actually give in and get some of the other herbs I've been considering. I've transplanted the thyme and the oregano into bigger pots as well.

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Healthy/healthy eating.

Still doing to no sweeteners thing, still loving it. Apparently I also lost 8 pounds last month, rather than the usual 5 that had been happening. I don't know how I feel about that. Part of me is very pleasantly surprised. Another part of me feels very obsessively greedy about this weight loss and wants it to continue at this pace for the rest of the summer and wants to count and recount the possible pounds I could lose (dysfunctional much? yeesh). The third part of me, seeing the second part, thinks that maybe anything other than minimal weight loss would be a bad thing and that I shouldn't step on a scale again for a few months.

I have also had the pleasure of being introduced to a local egg seller who sells a dozen eggs cheaper than the local grocery, even though her eggs are truly free range and humanely raised. Haha, and now I'm wondering where I'm going to find anything so awesome in DC.

Ate quite a few things that had sugar in them yesterday and felt quite sick for most of the day. Wasn't very hungry for most of today, but found myself positively starving at the end of the day. I've just resigned myself to go to bed with a growling stomach because it's not reasonable to eat more. I had a cup of milk, sauteed red potatoes, whole wheat noodles, several cups of steamed kale, a fruit leather, an orange, and beef. My stomach stopped making noises for all of two minutes before it started up again.

I'm a little concerned about my skin/muscle tone if I loose weight very quickly. I'm also afraid I'm going to stop losing, which is why I didn't want to even think about weight loss when I started.

I think I'm going to have to spend this week getting my goals strait again.

Ah, also, speaking of health, on the social health front; my friend R was lovely yesterday. I never leave hanging out with her except that I'm in awe of how great she is. Among other things she was very encouraging about my interest in doing Krav Maga when I get to DC and also in my change in health. She too, has gotten a little healthier lately and I think she looks quite nice. Her life situation has also gotten drastically less stressful recently and I think you can see that in her face and demeanor.

I also hung out with M. She is quite small; a size 0, if I'm not mistaken, and my comparison of us always triggers my stereotype threat. It's not her fault, it's mine. I'm very sensitive to size differences. I'm getting better about not being triggered around her, or other people, but it's still quite embarrassing that I feel it's there so I tend to bring it up. The elephant in my own room. I end up talking about weight virtually every time I'm with her. When I first met her it was horrible, I couldn't get myself to shut up.

Yesterday, in response to something I said, she said "I've always seen you as beautiful," which is very kind and such a vicious slap in the face to the (ugly, dysfunctional, wrong) voice in my head telling me she's only my friend because she pities the "fat girl" that I'm not entirely sure I didn't flinch when she said it. Then I said something self-effacing, which was neither right nor constructive. *sigh* Sometimes you have good days, sometimes bad days. Sometimes, I can't help but wonder why she puts up with me.

Update on Garden and Gatherings

Two things.

First, my garden is coming along. Things seem to be growing now, and most of the spots where I planted have living plants. I spent a good portion of Sunday weeding and I have more beer. I will post a picture as soon as I either A. get around to putting batteries in my big clunky digital POS camera, or B. clean my room enough that I can find my phone's memory card and put it back in the phone.

Second, I have been to two more social outings with bread and products with sugar in them. Both times it resulted in stomach cramping and not being hungry the next day. I'm beginning to contemplate whether I should just stop eating those things all together, or whether allowing it sometimes is what is going to allow me to keep up the no sweeteners thing at all other times.

Had a spot of weight/beauty obsession the last couple days. Hopefully it's done with now.

I'm serious people, and this is something I have to tell myself as well, there is no such thing as a "standard of beauty." All things can be beautiful. And there is no such thing as a "healthy weight" if you're truly healthy, your weight is healthy.

Be happy.

General Update on all things Healthy (slugs, onions, exhaustion)

Well, I've lost a little more weight. It's not the goal (not the goal, not the goal, not the goal), but it's nice to know. I wonder if I'm nursing a migraine this week, because I've been quite tired and I feel a little strange. I haven't worked out much, though I've tried to make sure I walk a little more, stand a little more, and I got on the throwing wheel for a while yesterday, so that I'm getting some exercise in. I just feel really tired.

It could be allergies (all the trees have bloomed) or stress (big test this weekend, finances), or hormones (it could always be hormones), or it could be that I haven't slept solidly in about 4 days. I thought that little bit of trouble would be a one night phenomena, but apparently not. I had begun to take vitamins before bed so I'm going to try not taking them before bed and see if the sleep returns to what it should be (note: I have gone through periods of months where sleep was broken/difficult almost constantly. It was horrible and I'm eager to avoid a repeat).

I went to Burnheim forest again, though only ended up staying a few hours because...poop! Yes, my tummy was very rumbly (test stress?) and pooping in an outhouse without tp and running water is not appealing.

I have also been craving strong vegetables today; onions, mushroom, pickles. I can't get enough of them. I've noticed a craving for fresh onions and mushrooms the last few days. As well as sweets. I actually caved today and bought a small lemon-glazed biscuit today, because I could. It was delicious. I just sat in the car and enjoyed it.

I also bought beer. Bud lite. Ick. But, it's not for me; it's for the slugs. Those nasty nasty slugs. I hope their livers explode. I have saucers laid out around the edge of the garden as well as a couple of the beer bottles with just a little at the bottom set in the garden. I talked to one of the gardeners at the Otte garden center (gosh, have they gotten a lot of my money, but they actually seem to have people who know what they're talking about) and he said that it's almost too late to plant broccoli. So, I hope they come up, or that the ones I'm still growing indoors will not die when I put them outside.

The lawn also needs mowing.

On a pleasant note; my grocery bill was quite small this week because I didn't seem to use up as much food as usual. Quite possibly I'm subsisting off lattes and cafeteria salads. I should probably make extra effort to eat only from home this week.

And, finally, I am looking forward to summer, even though I do *HATE* the heat.

Day After Easter

So, Easter has passed, and today is the first day of the rest of my dietary life (it occurs to me that I'm aaaalll the tiiiime.
going to have to find something new to fast from next Lent). Lent is, of course, over, and I have chosen to continue with the no processed sweeteners with the exception of parties and holidays and situations where it would possibly damage relationships/important impressions. Lent was quite easy this year, once I got past the first week or two and the headache and the feeling crazy hungry

It was much easier than last year, even pleasant. I feel that I learned a lot about eating food in a more godly way, but not a lot about God. Though, I did begin to have Bible times again, so that's something. However; I'm not sure the fast directed my focus to God as much as I was hoping it would. Ah well, there's always next Lent.

That said; I feel that I have a much greater appreciation for food now, for flavors, for the subtlety of flavor. I feel as though I understand more clearly the concept of food "for my joy and nutrition." I also feel much more confident in eating. I don't think anyone could look at anything I eat now and reasonably claim it's unhealthy. Not unless, perhaps, they were a local-organic-raw food-vegan. ;-)

This morning I woke up and knew that I had to work out. I think I was in Korea the last time I woke up and was like "I need water, and exercise, stat." Worked out for 55 minutes instead of my normal 32 and drank a nice amount of water. I watched the Christmas episode of Doctor Who while I was on the stair machine. it was awesome. I felt awesome afterwards. I love working out and feeling awesome! I mean, I hated making myself work out to get thin and feeling guilty afterwards! I love working out because it feels good!

Wasn't really very hungry today but I was really craving healthy food, which was kind of a tough place to be in because I didn't want to eat, but I wanted to eat. I think my body just wanted to make up for what I ate yesterday. My stomach has also been making crazy rumblings all day long.

Today I had:

A banana
A small apple with 1/4 cup of whole fat Greek yogurt
Two scrambled eggs with a sprinkling of cheese
Two pieces of whole sprouted grain sweetener free toast with "buttery spread"
a serving and a half of grass fed beef cooked in a cup and a half of water with organic tomato sauce
1/4 of a large white onion
about 2 cups of steamed kale
extra strong coffee with 1 cup of milk and 2/3 of a tablespoon of local raw honey
a fruit leather
2 (3?) cups of 100% whole grain curly noodle pasta
Oh, and a handful of organic cherry tomatoes



I think this could work.

Enjoying Coffee

You know that moment, that wonderful moment, when you take that first sip of coffee? The coffee from the big mug that you don't let anyone else touch, and the coffee is extra strong and just the right temperature, and you added the perfect amount of milk and just a dash of raw honey and it has that nutty wonderfulness of it.
sweetness to you and you can just get lost in the

You know what I'm talking about, right?

Greek Yogurt and Why we Eat

I want to take a minute to give a shout out to Greek Yogurt. Particularly, the Greek Gods brand plain Greek yogurt. I love it. Love might actually be an appropriate word. I enjoy it every time I put it in my mouth. I put it on top of beans and cheese, in sandwiches, and, mostly, dip my fruit in it. My cat also loves it and more than once I have turned my head away from my bowl only to look back moments later and find his head, or his paw in the yogurt.. He says "I licked it, it's mine now." Haha, silly cat. I ate the yogurt anyway (and probably have a cat disease now, but that's beside the point).

I've noticed that a lot of people have an issue with the thickness, and the flavor. I'm not sure what that issue is since I've loved Greek yogurt from the first time I tried it. But then, I've lived abroad and tasted a lot of things that most people here in America would find pretty unpalatable, so that may have skewed my perception of flavors (for the better, I say). Also, as I've mentioned before, I'm off sweeteners, so it may be that even the slightest bit of sweetness is detectable to me. To me Greek Gods plain (fatted, no 0% fat) Greek yogurt tastes like cream. Really, who wouldn't want that? It's also really low in sugar and high in protein (I noticed right away when I first started eating Greek yogurt that it kept me full for a long time), and it has healthy fats and bacterias that aid in the digestion and the processing of nutrients. I would suggest it to anyone. I would suggest it to you. You should try it. Chop up an apple and dip it in the yogurt. It's awesome.

While I'm on the topic of awesome food, I wanted to talk a little about the purpose of eating and why we eat.

I feel like food, and food perception is really skewed in this country. I don't think many people would disagree with me.

I feel as though food as become the great comfort, or the great enemy. You either consume as much of it as you can, using it like a blanket to ward off the difficulties of life, or you treat it as a necessary evil, consuming as little as possible in order to be sociallymorally <-this is a new word, I made it, dibs) good.

There is a pastor at my church (yes, this is related), who I have lovingly dubbed "the crying pastor," because he's a guy with emotions, and he's not afraid to show them. Honestly, sometimes I tune him out when he gets really emotional, but that's one of my issues, not his, and I try to listen, and something he said did get through. Let that be a lesson to all the pastors who think none one is listening, even the ones who aren't, are.

He kept saying that we should use food for the reasons that God gave us; for our joy and our nourishment  For our joy and our nourishment. Our joy, and our nourishment  Not just nutrition, not comfort at all, not as a balm, not just because. He's said it many times (or it felt to me that he has). I ignored it the first time, thought about it the second, and then by the third time it started to sink into me. I heard another pastor say the same thing, and started to wonder if there was something I was missing. How often would I eat lovely foods, but not for joy? When was the last time I enjoyed my food; just took joy in my food? Was I eating for nutrition, to feed my body, to nourish it? Or, when I ate, was it with the goal of "making up" for the "sin" of the bad food, or with the goal of "thinness" rather than health? I knew the answer to that, and I didn't like it.

Around this time I was also thinking heavily about body perception, fat shaming, and body acceptance. I'd started reading books like Fat? So what? I thought 'I should start enjoying my food.' So I did. I tried to stop eating ice cream with guilt. If I was going to eat it, I should love it. I stopped eating with guilt. I put on some weight. I made every effort to love my body. And then I started to think about eating for my nourishment. What did I think that looked like? (What could I afford?) Lent began. I gave up sweeteners.

I still do my best to enjoy my food, to let it bring me joy. It's a fight, to see food at something to nourish my body and bring me joy, but I'm trying, just like I'm trying to love my body, no matter what size it is. Greek yogurt is one of those foods that brings me joy.

So, eat food for nourishment, eat it for joy. And, if you're feeling adventurous
. Try some yogurt.

My Breakfast

I'd like to mention my breakfasts, because I think they'll surprise you. Well, they may surprise you.

Before I do that I want to say that I eat a hearty breakfast, (brunch? I'm trying to wake up earlier but since I work in the evenings and have class in the afternoon I tend to wake up around 10), but I find it very difficult to eat 2000 calories in one day when I'm not including things with sweeteners. I've done a little math and figure that usually I'm eating between 1400 and 1800 calories a day. This is way down from the average of 2500 that I was eating a day when I wasn't on the sweetener fast.

Usually I have a piece or two of toast. But, toast, you say, has sugar in it! Most bread does, yes, but I eat Ezekiel bread. Not that I think Ezekiel bread is holy. I don't, I think that whole "we're making Bible bread" speil is horse hockey, but it is probably about the healthiest bread you can eat AND it has no sugar or sugar substitutes. They use malted barley (like in beer) to feed the yeast and all the grains are sprouted.

If I am hungry I will fry two eggs (cage free, antibiotic free, hormone free, vegetarian fed. Can't afford humane certified. $6.99 is too much for 12 eggs), and will probably add a little (like, no more than 1 serving) of shredded cheese and a hearty fist full of spinach to the eggs when I'm cooking them. If my stomach is upset I will also add basil. Olive oil butter on the toast and maybe a tiny bit of honey in the center for a little flavor treat. Water, or a cup (not a glass, a cup, 8 oz=1 cup) orange juice, or a cup of milk, or coffee. Maybe, but rarely, all of them. Also, a banana and maybe a second banana or an apple. I know, omg, I just ate so much! You can't hear it from where you're sitting but my tummy will be sending me happy vibes for an hour.

And after that, I won't feel hungry for four or five hours. Yay!

My smallest breakfast consists of a cup of milk, some water, a piece of toast with butter and honey on it, and a banana. The toast may or may not have nuts or coconut butter on it. This is my rushed day breakfast which I usually eat in the car because I woke up at 9:30 and it's my one day a week that I have  class at 10 a.m.

On really really bad days I will stop by Heine Bros. and get a medium latte (no sugar, no whipped cream, no honey) and an organic banana. All coffee from Heine Bros. is fair trade, organic, locally ground, and they're hardly any more expensive than Starbucks. In addition you get to feel like you're not ruining the world with your love of coffee, and you get to help a local business, and you don't have to try and remember what the heck "venti" means.

So, that's breakfast, or somewhere between those first two options is breakfast. I think it's pretty awesome, and for all the bajillion calories I'm consuming at breakfast, my body seems pretty happy with it.

p.s. lunch and dinner are notably smaller, unless I was busy and skipped lunch completely and I'm starving and ready to go zombie on somebody.

There is no Wagon and you Cannot Care for a Thing you Hate

I'd like to start by pointing out that in the last post I was very frustrated and very down on myself but that any kind of self-damaging behavior was not and is not an option.

That said, a lot has changed. 

My weight went up.

And up.

And up.

I didn't like how I was feeling. But, I was very concerned about psychological effects of any weight loss efforts. See, when I looked at dieting and exercising it seemed to have a very similar mentality to self-injury. It was trying to punish and deprive the disgusting worthless fat part out of me. And, I knew that this attitude was COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. This is not how you condition any living organism. You cannot create a desired behavior through punishment, not ever. Unless the desired behavior is anger, fear, and learned helplessness. Which is exactly what our society is doing. So, I made an effort to start loving myself, and loving my body, and combating the feeling that I needed to hide until I was thin, that I needed to wait to start my life until I was thin. Because, here's the thing, you cannot take care of a thing you hate. We teach all girls at a young age to hate their bodies, to hate their bodies so much...that they take care of it? No. They don't. I think it's a fair measure to say that even most of the "normal weight" and "thin" girls are not taking care of their bodies. I tried to start seeing my body as good. Because I have to love myself as I am. 

I decided it didn't matter if I lost weight. I was going to be healthy. If my body wanted to be healthy at whatever weight it was, then I would learn to love it.

I bought a stair machine. Because I love my body. And I like the feeling of running up stairs two at a time, and I missed being able to do that.

And Lent began. I've gone off all sweeteners but raw local honey (again). And, of course, the honey is not meant to replace all the sweeteners I'm not eating, but to be a special treat on top of a toast or in a coffee. I'm fasting from sweeteners for two reasons; 1. Because it isn't easy, so whenever I want a sweet I am reminded of the suffering of Christ, how he sacrificed for me. And, 2. Because it's GOOD FOR ME. Did you know that almost everything has sugar (and if not sugar than a sweetener) in it? Yeah, I mean that literally. That bread? Sugar. No sugar added? That's 'cuz they added Splenda. Those crackers? High fructose corn syrup. Those potato chips? Sugar. That frozen diet dinner? Sugar, and a ton of salt. Those frozen veggies with butter/cheese? Sugar. That yogurt cup? Sugar or splenda. That soy milk? Sugar....eeeevvvvrrryyyyttthhhiiinnnggg. I've watched a lot of videos on healthy eating and have come to a few conclusions; Whole food is better, organic is better still, veggies are way under suggested and sugar is bad for you (with the exception of fruit and the occasional teaspoon of honey). I love my body and I love God, so I gave up sweeteners. 

My weight has come down some. About 10 pounds. It's still high. And that's okay. I'm going to throw out my scale now. Because my scale doesn't get to determine my value or my health. 

I've started my garden, it's more than twice the size it was last year. I do pottery. I do sculpting. I use my stair machine every day. I don't watch television. I'm considering continuing my "fast" after Lent ends. I love going to parks and walking. I've been accepted into grad school. I am of sound mind and sound body. I have no time for things like scales. Life is calling to me.