Lemons and Fruit Water

I've decided to try and add more lemon to my diet. It doesn't seem difficult at all and I've read a lot about the benefits of lemon.
It became really apparent to me today that I could do this easily because I'd made a pitcher of lemon water. I can't remember if I blogged about fruit water but it's something I've been trying this summer; making fruit waters (last summer I tried making your own fruit popsicles, which were nice but required  a lot of cleaning and blending. I'd probably enjoy it more this year but I'm not really feeling it). I know the blogs I read talked about eating the fruit after the water was gone but I've found the fruit has gone sort of soft and flavorless by the time the water is gone so it just goes the compost. Some of them were good, like the melon water, others haven't been so good. Yesterday I chopped up a skinned lemon and half a skinned lime and tossed it in to make lemon water.

It's delicious.

Like, shockingly delicious.

I may drink the whole pitcher tonight.

Lemons aren't very expensive. Thus, Yay! I have found a way to incorporate more lemons into my diet.

P.S. The reason I don't use lemon juice is because a lot of the lemon juices have added sugars or flavorings or preservatives. It just seems better to use the real thing, you know?

Exercise

Yesterday I did use the 8 lb weights when I was on the stair machine. That was good as I started sweating after about 9 minutes and continued to the entire 45 minutes.

I still used the 5 lb weights for the exercises, I admit I'm a little concerned about the extra 6 pounds doing damage to my weak spot. Did the 40 squats and 30 calf raises. I feel a little tender in my shoulders, probably from holding the 8 lb weights plus the normal shoulder exercises but not sore at all in my legs.

I held the plank pose both front and on each side for 3 sets of 40 second each. 2 minutes in total. I also did 2 sets of alphabet bicycle crunches (A-A through Z-Z would is one set). Abs are not sore.

15 push-ups. Pecks are sore. Seems to be about the only part of my body that is.

I plan to get to 50 squats and 20 push-ups. Holding the plank poses for 2 minutes strait is also a goal. Not quite sure what I'll do after being on the stair machine with 8 lb weights gets easy, but I'll deal with that if I get there.

Body and Health Update 6/26

I've decided to break this up into subheadings since I'm discussing different things:

Exercise:

I bought new weights yesterday.
8 lbs this time. I was finding that I could go nearly an hour on the stair machine with the 5 lb weights, and 90 minutes without them. Having a work out where the "cardio" takes 90 minutes isn't feasible. Though, it was fun; I watched the Lord of the Rings extended edition over the last week. Originally I wanted 7 or 7.5 lb weights but they didn't have them at Target. All they sold were 6 and 8 pound weights (I should clarify, they did have 7 lb kettle bells, that were more than $20 each, I just don't have the money for that). Since 6 is close to 5, 8 pounds it was.

With the increase in weights I intend to drop the time of my cardio back to 48 minutes (aka, the length of an episode of Fringe).

The stair machine from Wal-Mart is holding out quite well, despite a marked increase in the time I spend using it.

My work out has moved to 1:45 of plank and side planks, though I have split it up into 35 second holds rotating. I think I could pretty easily move it to 3 sets of 40 seconds each, but I found that a minute and 1:10 were pushing the limits of my attention span, the rotation of shorter times allows me to effectively distract myself. I have also moved to 2 alphabet sets of bicycle crunches. The first time for this increased amount was yesterday and I'm surprised that I'm not sore. My workouts also regularly feature 40 squats, 30 calf raises, and 12-13 push-ups in addition to the shoulder exercises I do with the weights while I am on the stair machine. I also have started doing a some squat jumps on the days where I'm energized. I have begun to stretch more as well, as sometimes I feel a bit stiff after long workouts. I stopped doing the high knees, they were good for my cardio level but drained me so quickly that I found myself actively resenting them, and the goal is to enjoy working out, it's not supposed to be mental "work". maybe I will try again later, but not now.

Eating:

I'm still doing the no sweetener thing, still enjoying it, still plan to do this the rest of my life. I do go through days or a period of a few days where I will crave candy/ice cream/cake/chips/croissants. I usually just end up eating more fruit, or pasta.

I've also noticed that a lot of my food cravings come from external food triggers/hunger stimuluses, which are often quite strong, and which just piss me off. I mean, really piss me off. People trying to manipulate me makes me angry. Being hungry makes me irritable. When I'm hungry and know it's because advertisers/businesses are manipulating me through my animal urges, well, it's not a good mood. It also makes me angry because people who fall pray to these incredibly powerful and subtle manipulations are villainized for it but the companies who do it are praised.

"Regular" American food (read; mac and cheese, pigs in a blanket, white bread, sweets, potato chips) has been giving me stomach cramps if I eat it, even though it is eaten rarely. If, by chance, I end up having two events in the same week (like I did last week, a dinner with friends Thursday night and then a wedding with a dinner Saturday night), it seems to be worse.

Case in point, I've been feeling gassy and bloated and gross all week. I think I'm beginning to develop an aversion to processed food. At the wedding I found myself thinking 'do I really want to eat this?' rather than 'Yay! Rule free event!'

Also, I've begun regularly taking vitamins, which only leaves  me nauseous about half the time I take them. I have learned I can't take them with breakfast, apparently an egg, a piece of buttered toast, an apple, and coffee is not enough of a "meal" to keep me from spending the next 3 or 4 hours swallowing down bile. Also, taking them at night is torture. So, lunch, which is undoubtedly my biggest meal of the day and the one I eat the quickest, is really the only acceptable time to take them (I say them because I take a multivitamin as well as one of 3 B supplements, usually folic acid, and a kelp supplement since my budget has restricted the buying of seaweed snacks).

Weight:

The last time I was on the scale, which was mid-month, I was 178. This means that I have lost (a little more than) 15% of my January body weight and that I am no longer "obese." I admit that I am hoping to be less than 175 when I move.

When I look in the mirror, I still see the same person. I still regularly refer to myself as fat.  I know it bothers my sister, who says I am not fat, but I think that her and I are coming from such disparate directions that I cannot explain it to her. To me, this makes sense; I don't change, the appearance of the girl in the mirror doesn't change. If how she looked/looks is "fat" than I will always be "fat." Part of my identity is being "fat." Why am I to try and find a new word that fits for merely "overweight"? Would any stranger be so kind? No. Additionally, I have no desire to join a part of society that would have rejected me previously (and, likely, still does). If I was an outsider I have no interest now in being part of the group.

I have been wondering recently what is likely to happen to me if my weight falls into the only-slightly-overweight category (1 to 10 lbs). This, assuming I continue with my present style of eating and exercising, is a reasonable conclusion at some point in the next year. I do not believe my discomfort with the privileged thin culture will have changed at all. At the same time, I do understand that there is a strong feeling of general distrust and animosity among larger folk towards people who are thin, whether they have "achieved" it or whether they were simply gifted with it. Will I find myself a true outcast or will I find that there is an entirely different sector of people, one largely ignored in the us vs. them war-on-fat?

But I digress.

Sizing:

In addition to having now lost 32 pounds, I also easily fit into a size 14. I can put on a size 12, but I am not a believer in if-you-can-zip-it-it-fits, and the bulge around the top says I am not yet a size 12.

I went through quite a lot of my old clothes in the garage and found that the smallest size seems to be a size 11, which is about a size 8-10. This was both when I was a junior in high school, and when I was on Crew in college. I think one can pretty reasonably argue that 8-10 would be my "ideal" size.  I also find it interesting that there was something like a 15 pound difference in my weight between the two times I wore the same size. Though I do wish I'd known then what I know about sugar now.

The smallest point of my middle is 33.5 inches, just above my belly button is 36, and the widest point of hips/butt is 43. Recently the measurement around my ribs seem to have grown, from 34 to 35 inches. I don't know why or if I'm just not measuring the same.

Sleep:

Sleep is still difficult. Even when I am utterly exhausted I find it hard to fall asleep without some assistance. I find it very hard to quiet my mind long enough for sleep to take hold, and I often jerk back in to waking just as I'm about to fall asleep. I often fall asleep around 1 or 2 a.m. And I am more than capable of sleeping 9 hours a night, which my body does every time it gets the chance.

On a lighter note, I have begun to dream of DC and they have been good dreams. This is very unexpected but leaves me much more optimistic than I have been, because I believe that my subconscious still believes I have made the right decision, in spite of my conscious doubts about my ability to make any right decision.

Update on Me and The Magic Eye Gift of Beauty

Sorry I haven't given an update on my garden. It's had its ups and downs but generally it's doing very well and right now I don't have to buy any veggies except maybe an avocado or an onion or some mushrooms from the grocery. Hopefully I will actually get around to giving an in depth garden update. I should be doing some very important other things so there's a fair chance I'll do the update instead.

I did my monthly weigh. I've now lost 31 pounds, from January 5th to June 11th. I no longer fit the medical definition of "obese."

I kind of want to discuss that.
I guess I'm not "fat" anymore, at least by a Southern definition. I know that the definition of fat varies incredibly. I feel like it should be a big deal, and for about an hour it was.

But... when I look in the mirror I see the same person I saw 31 pounds ago. I might catch glimpses of differences but overall she looks quite the same to me. No significant change of any kind. Other people see a change. I don't.

I've come to understand that about myself.

I don't expect to "see" a change.

I could lose another 31 pounds and I would still see the same person.

So, it's not about (can't be about) changing how I look, to look better, because my eyes can't see anything else. It has to be about health, about kindness to myself, because "better" is a result I will never be able to see with my eyes.

When I look at myself I always see the same "flaws" and the same body. I've learned that I can't create myself beautiful, I have to learn to see myself beautiful. Like seeing a magic eye picture, I have to learn to look differently, or I'll never see what I want, no matter how the picture changes.

I don't feel much different, but I can pull my knees closer to my chest now, and when I'm driving and I wedge my foot against the door (I know, if I get in a car accident it's going to break my leg) my knee doesn't touch the steering wheel now. Also, my clothes are loose and sometimes I can see some muscle tone in places I couldn't before.

The biggest change is my endurance. Work outs can now go 90 minutes. I can hold a plank pose for a minute (three minutes in a row with roughly a 10 second break in between), I can do 7 or 8 real push ups, the weights I hold while doing cardio are heavier. Those are the big differences.

Hopefully, one day I'll be able to look in the mirror and see a beautiful body, no matter the size or shape, and that once I can finally look with the right eyes I'll be able to help other people see with those eyes, too.

Gardens and Tetanus Shots

Yes, you read that right.

I got to go in for my tetanus booster (actually, the t-dap) today.
Why, might you ask?
Because I was trimming back the bushes with a rusty box cutter, and managed to accidentally fillet my knuckle. And, the last time I remember getting a tetanus shot was, oh, 11 years ago.

So, now I have some gauze and a bandage on my finger, and a bandage on my arm and I'm no worse for wear. I also have record of getting the shot. Since recorders are what I didn't have and thus had to rely on memory.

As per the advice of the nurses, I have thrown out the box cutter.

Please forgive the mess, that's my gardening table. 

That being said, my garden is coming along swimmingly. Soon nothing will be covered anymore and I've already begun harvesting. I love it! I will do a more in depth and serious garden update later.

Appetite is back?

Maybe I worried for nothing. I ate like a normal person today and was ravenously hungry when I tried to skip a meal. Maybe it just took a little while [more than a week] to lose the effects from the antibiotic? Or for my stomach to regrow? No, that doesn't make any sense, I wasn't forcing food on myself.

It could also be because I'm back to my normal workout routine plus I'm using 5 pound weights during my cardio rather than 3 pound weights and I added one new high intensity exercise for my abs.
On that note; you're not going to be hearing much about the specifics of my work outs because I think that's personal, and it's not up for scrutiny. 

Anyway, I had a banana and toast and an egg and coffee with milk this morning, lots of water, an apple and greek yogurt and kimchi and a fruit leather and a cup of orange juice for lunch, then two servings of noodles and a serving and a half of beef and a serving of zucchini and 1 chocolate truffle from a student and another fruit leather and another banana. So, there you go, back to normal eating.

And, after the lunch my stomach was growling sooooo bad.

That's all.

Update:

My appetite was decreased the next day and now seems to be consistently low compared to what it was 3 weeks ago, but not non-existent. I am finding that I sometimes stink very badly when I sweat. I think this is ketosis.

A Regression Into and Out of Numbers

I'm not perfect.

My psychological state isn't perfect, my health isn't perfect.

I do hope you know that.

I'm hoping that I can voice this, well write it, and get it out of my head.

As a warning, I am about to argue with myself, and this could be triggery for those of you who suffer from eating disorders. For that I apologize.

Last I weighed I was somewhere between 186 and 188. I made the mistake of weighing twice in a week. Stupid.

My brain is saying, you lost [almost] 8 pounds last month. You could do it again. Maybe your metabolism has sped up. Maybe it will happen again and again. If you lost 8 pounds this month and in the two months following that would be 24 pounds. 24 pounds in three months. That's 2 pounds a week. That's twice your previous speed. You should work out more, eat less. Maybe you could be 150 by December, maybe you could be 145. 210 minus 65 is 145. That's more than 1/4 of your weight. 210 minus 4 minus 5 minus 5 minus....

This.

This is why I am not weighing myself. 

Welcome to the dark side of my mind. This counting and recounting doesn't just relate to weight, it goes to calories and to other things, if I let it.

It's anxiety. My anxiety. Trying to contain itself by counting.

My mind does this with things I'm anxious about, it tries to circle back on itself. When I'm worried about a situation my mind rehashes all possible outcomes that it can consider, each more extreme than the last in a cycle that used to drive me mad.

And, honestly, sometimes still does.

My mind is full of sinkholes.

But I've learned what others haven't; you don't have to fall in.

If you don't fall in, eventually they start to seal over.

*I wanted to show you all this thinking because I want to discuss why it's wrong, how it's wrong*  (and maybe pull myself further from this sink hole, walk away instead of sticking my toe in)

I do not believe that my weight determines my beauty or my value or my success in pursuing health. I see nothing but crackpot evidence of any of those things. What does it matter if I'm 145 or 150? Will I be more beautiful? Will I feel more beautiful? No. I've lost weight before with the "I'll be better, I'll be more when" mentality, and I was miserable. I lost opportunities because by the time I "got there" I was so consumed with "not good enough" that I was lost in it. No, losing weight, specifically losing to a "goal" weight, won't make me feel more beautiful.

And, I believe that beauty is innate. I believe that beauty comes from *existing* beautifully; from being spiritually healthy, from treating your body and mind well, from making intimate connections, from doing good, from loving yourself, from loving others, from being your best self. This is beauty. All people are capable of beauty at all stages of life, all sizes, all ages. So, no, losing weight cannot make me more beautiful, because beauty is more than something that can be bought or sold, beauty is not something you can cake on or take away. So, no, losing weight won't make me more beautiful.

Will it make me more valuable? Perhaps to some, but to none who matter. Do I resent those who think weight and value are correlated? Yes. Do I see them as morally deficient? Yes! Do I think they harm society with their views? Yes! Do I want to impress or give a sense of validity to those who I feel are socially disruptive and morally deficient? No. So, I cannot consider that any social "value" gained by weight loss would have any gain me. No more than blood money. You win and you loose, and the latter in far greater measure.

Will losing to a particular goal weight make me healthier? I really really really don't believe so. No. It won't. I am healthy. I exercise for an hour nearly every day. I do my best to  make sure I get enough sleep. I work hard to ensure and maintain a healthy psychological state. I pursue my faith. I have removed all things both made of and containing sugar or any processed sweetener from my diet. I try to laugh every day. I go to the doctor when I'm sick. I avoid excess. No, I'm healthy. As long as I continue to do these things to the best of my ability, I am healthy. Only idiots who look only at numbers would think that I'd be more healthy at a low goal weight.

Even if all the idiots thought I was healthy, I'd be unhappy. No, that's not a worthy exchange.

Besides, the likelihood of continuing to lose weight at any one speed, is highly unlikely. The body is not like a car that you can set to cruise control. It varies with time of year, food intake, stress, and hormones. Additionally  the lower your weight, the less you will lose, if you are losing, if you should lose at all for optimum health, because the lower it goes (to a point, obviously), the closer you get to your healthy weight. Yours. Not some got-dam chart made up by someone obsessed with saving insurance companies money (does it not seem odd, the concept that an insurance company is a business and not a charity nullifies the purpose of being insurance...). We are not numbers, we are not statistics.

Beyond all that, it's far more likely that the 8 pounds was a fluke, maybe even a fluke of the scale, particularly seeing as I'd lost 5 pounds each in the 3 previous months. To make a number goal, to obsess, to count and recount as my mind is inclined to is a recipe for pain, both psychological pain in the form of intense anxiety and self doubt, and the pain of disappointment when I inevitably fail to reach a goal I have never ever reached, not even with my best previous efforts.

So, this is how I will close; 

The numbers don't matter, and the time doesn't matter.

I am healthy, and I will continue to be healthy. It would be nice to get below "obese," but I don't have to. I am healthy, my body will go where it needs to. I trust it.

I am committed to loving my body now. If it changes, I will love it then too, and I will love the memory of how my body was.

I am beautiful now. I will practice existing beautifully.

I am valuable now. Value is one of the most inalienable rights. Right up there with beauty. And, like beauty, it cannot be diminished by there being more people with it. It is innate to us (this is why the darkness of the world tries to convince us we don't have it, or that we've lost it). I will practice living in light of that knowledge; that I am very valuable, that we all are.

I am eternal. I will live in light of eternity. I understand that I am a baby in this universe and I will pursue beautiful maturity in all things, but especially my soul.

:-)

Family Health

I don't talk a whole lot about my family on here, mostly it's not relevant, but I wanted to talk a little about it today.

My father has kidney disease. It says in check mostly, but his weight is higher than his job would like. Around the new year he was given a nutritionist (he's seen her before for his weight) who put him on a "shake" diet. My mother calculated that they were having him eat between 600 and 800 calories a day. I think at the time my father weighed around 220. Well, being a man, he dropped weight very very quickly, and made weight when he was tested. I voiced that I thought this was a bad idea, and that he would put the weight back on. He said that your metabolism speeds up when you lose weight (interesting how my father, or is that all men, have very different ideas on weight loss and gain than women do) and that he looked forward to going back to "normal eating" when it was all done. Well, it was done, and he did, and he put most of the weight back on. I said nothing, because it's rude to rub things in people's faces, but he did mention that I had been right, which was vindicating.

I do have a point in telling you all this.

Recently I had a talk with my father about removing sweeteners from your diet, how I thought that was to blame for poor health, that I didn't think it was as simple as "calories in calories out," and that simply by removing anything with sweeteners and using raw honey sparingly and replacing the old foods with fresh whole foods I had lost 23(21?) pounds and felt great. He took this to heart, though perhaps not exactly as I would have hoped (but I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth), and has begun to remove things with sweeteners from his diet. He has stopped drinking any soda, and has replaced sugar in his coffee with a bit of raw local honey. I'm very pleased. I believe his health will improve and he will see some weight loss. He has also been asking my mother about the specifics of my diet as she knows exactly what I'm doing. I am very happy to have had a positive influence on his eating habits.

Additionally, my younger sister has begun to consume more healthy foods. We live together so she is a constant observer of how I eat, and while her diet is definitely very different from mine, any change she makes toward healthier whole food is a good one. With her MS it's definitely important in my book to positively influence her eating/lifestyle habits however I can. Though, I admit that I spend most of the time feeling like I'm having no influence at all. Additionally, she has begun to take a medication to decrease her constant state of sleepiness/near constant sleep. She was very productive on the day she took it. I was impressed. I hope this med works out well for her.

Finally, and I think this is going to be the best, my mother. My mother, in my opinion, very likely has an undiagnosed autoimmune disorder. Ever couple of years she goes through a period where her body completely rebels against her, swelling in her joints, pain, exhaustion, ect. This lasts for an undefined period of time, and all the tests come back negative, until it fades away and she is fine for a while before whatever it is flares back up. My father, being the enourager that he is, always declares her dying at the beginning of these things, and goes on about how her health is declining and he will outlive her and have to find another wife and generally becomes someone I want to avoid at all costs. And I worry a lot, because she and I are very close.

Well, the most recent case involved her stomach swelling and her ability to eat foods being reduced to almost nothing. She was limited to mostly semi-solids or else have horrible stomach pain for the better part of the last year and a half. At first they thought it was cancer, then a variety of other diseases, but all the test came back negative. My mother also developed regular migraines. The did lots of tests, and concluded that she needed to "lose weight." That's it, she was having severe water retention in her stomach and visible inflammation of her intestines and stomach because she was 220 lbs and needed to "lose weight."

So, she worked out 45-70 minutes on her treadmill every day, increased the incline and the speed, took walks to the park with my father, and kept eating what she could. She figured out at some point she was only eating around 1000-1200 calories a day. She lost weight VERY VERY SLOWLY. When she was finally down to "not obese" she went back to the doctor. She still had the severe water retention, still had the inflammation  still had the stomach pain. Their response was "oh, we thought it would go away. Well, it doesn't seem to be killing you, so maybe this is your life now."

I have to admit that my mother's trials with the (sizist) doctors have developed, in me, a general resentment of the medical establishment.

Well, recently she got a new doctor, who set up new tests, took her off her old medicine, gave her a new medicine, and gave her packets of probiotics.

On Friday I shared some of an apple with my mother. Now, remember, she's spent the better part of a year and a half on a mostly semi-solid diet. She expected to have a severe stomach ache that night but at the apple slices anyway because she was hungry. She didn't have any pain.

Then she ate some pizza at a get-together with friends. No pain.

She bought a couple of apples and ate them. NO PAIN!!!!

I am super excited, stoked, that my mother's stomach might be healing, that she might be able to go back to a "real" diet, a truly healthy diet with fruits and vegetables and whole grains. I don't know if it was time, or this doctor, the timing implies the doctor did something, but I'm super happy. This is wonderful news, and I hope it continues; for my mother's sake, for her health, and for my sake, for my peace of mind as I move.

These improvements to my family members health make me very happy.

My Garden Started, as Promised

So, here's my garden. Give it some time; it's not much right now, just a few tiny plants and some colored sticks. But, on the left you can see the tomato plant that survived the winter indoors. I hope that it's strong enough to deal with the

outside, but I feel like the indoor stuff is starting to get kind of spindley. I used a pesticide on them this morning because I came out to discover that two (three?) of my seedlings had been devoured last night. Not cool. I'm not sure what it is but I will check to see if it hurts bees before I use it once the plants start flowering. I buy (very) local honey anyway, so if it's a dangerous pesticide I might be eating it anyway. I'm fairly happy with how it's coming along. The weather on Monday is supposed to get down to 32, but I think that only the endive might have a hard time with that. I've also ground planted some, so we'll see how that goes. I look forward to what this garden is going to do, and to adding in some cucumber and a zucchini plant, maybe a few carrots, and my herbs later this spring.

Today is, for all intents and purposes, absolutely beautiful. I haven't seen a day this beautiful in quite a while. The weather is in the low 60s, the sky is clear. It was lovely and foggy and cool this morning. It's perfect. It's so perfect I'm ignoring the headache I've had all day (migraine? Allergies? Someone shared a sinus infection?).

Went shopping. Still trying to figure out how I can get eggs that are natural, fresh, and cheap. Still trying to keep my budget to $60 a week. Though, after consideration, it might be good to try for $55 or even $50. I know of a family of 6 (7?) that's trying to feed themselves for $400. I spend over $200 for one person. >.< And, they're trying to eat veggies and stuff. Wow. This is where time-sharing (that might not be the right term) and bartering come in (which is totally something I want to do, but I don't know how to get into it).

Woke up at 8:30am again this morning, so that's great because maybe the melatonin is starting to work its magic and reset my body clock to something reasonable.

My Breakfast

I'd like to mention my breakfasts, because I think they'll surprise you. Well, they may surprise you.

Before I do that I want to say that I eat a hearty breakfast, (brunch? I'm trying to wake up earlier but since I work in the evenings and have class in the afternoon I tend to wake up around 10), but I find it very difficult to eat 2000 calories in one day when I'm not including things with sweeteners. I've done a little math and figure that usually I'm eating between 1400 and 1800 calories a day. This is way down from the average of 2500 that I was eating a day when I wasn't on the sweetener fast.

Usually I have a piece or two of toast. But, toast, you say, has sugar in it! Most bread does, yes, but I eat Ezekiel bread. Not that I think Ezekiel bread is holy. I don't, I think that whole "we're making Bible bread" speil is horse hockey, but it is probably about the healthiest bread you can eat AND it has no sugar or sugar substitutes. They use malted barley (like in beer) to feed the yeast and all the grains are sprouted.

If I am hungry I will fry two eggs (cage free, antibiotic free, hormone free, vegetarian fed. Can't afford humane certified. $6.99 is too much for 12 eggs), and will probably add a little (like, no more than 1 serving) of shredded cheese and a hearty fist full of spinach to the eggs when I'm cooking them. If my stomach is upset I will also add basil. Olive oil butter on the toast and maybe a tiny bit of honey in the center for a little flavor treat. Water, or a cup (not a glass, a cup, 8 oz=1 cup) orange juice, or a cup of milk, or coffee. Maybe, but rarely, all of them. Also, a banana and maybe a second banana or an apple. I know, omg, I just ate so much! You can't hear it from where you're sitting but my tummy will be sending me happy vibes for an hour.

And after that, I won't feel hungry for four or five hours. Yay!

My smallest breakfast consists of a cup of milk, some water, a piece of toast with butter and honey on it, and a banana. The toast may or may not have nuts or coconut butter on it. This is my rushed day breakfast which I usually eat in the car because I woke up at 9:30 and it's my one day a week that I have  class at 10 a.m.

On really really bad days I will stop by Heine Bros. and get a medium latte (no sugar, no whipped cream, no honey) and an organic banana. All coffee from Heine Bros. is fair trade, organic, locally ground, and they're hardly any more expensive than Starbucks. In addition you get to feel like you're not ruining the world with your love of coffee, and you get to help a local business, and you don't have to try and remember what the heck "venti" means.

So, that's breakfast, or somewhere between those first two options is breakfast. I think it's pretty awesome, and for all the bajillion calories I'm consuming at breakfast, my body seems pretty happy with it.

p.s. lunch and dinner are notably smaller, unless I was busy and skipped lunch completely and I'm starving and ready to go zombie on somebody.

Lent Almost Over

Lent is almost over, but I'm not ready to end this fast. I'm ready to make it a lifestyle. As it is, I feel healthier, and if nothing else I feel more confident about my health. I also think I have more energy over all.

It doesn't hurt that since January 5th I have lost at least 12 pounds. I think it's probably more than that but I was waiting until the scale said I'd lost at least 10 pounds for two days in a row and then I was  going to throw out my scale (because health, not weight is my goal). The scale did this; it showed between 8 and 9.8 lbs lost for about a week, and then one day 11, and the next 12. Sooooo no more scale. I feel as though my pants have been getting looser, which I hadn't felt at all before. I assume this means I may have lost a little more.

Also, my hormones seem...better. My sister has a period every 21 days, which sucks, and my period had begun to follow hers, which sucked. Now mine is late (but I can feel it's going to start soon) and has almost reset itself. Yay!

Also, I did break fast once, (I had a cupcake at a dinner party) and had pretty awful stomach pain the next day. Not cool.

So, what I want to do is continue this; not eating any sweeteners except the occasional raw honey, eating less pasta/grain, and working out a few days a week/being active every day, for the foreseeable future. After Lent I will make the caveat that if I'm at a party or social function I will allow a little sugared food (e.g. the aforementioned cupcake) so as not to be rude, but will continue on with my no-sweetener ways.

I'd be lying if I said I don't hope to get a little smaller, but that is not my goal. My goals is the confidence that I am healthy.

I'm excited.