Some Things I've Learned About my Body

You know, every body is different, everyone is different, but every body is a little different, too.

As I go on this journey of body and food and health, I'm learning things about my body and I'm learning to accept things about my body. Here are some things about my body, they are okay, they aren't bad, some people will share each of these things, some won't. They are part of what make me unique and make my body mine.

• I have thick legs. From big thighs to big knees to big ankles, my body keeps width and breadth and fat in my legs more than anywhere else. My thighs will always touch, and my calves will always be big. But in addition to being large, my legs have a great capacity for muscle. I remember being on crew and having nearly the most powerful legs on the team, and now as yesterday I did 40 squats, 30 calf raises, and 30 lunges yesterday along with an hour of cardio and hardly a groan or whimper from my legs today I'm reminded that my legs are strong; they are get-me-places legs. I used to hate my legs, but now I think that it's very unfortunate that I had such a limited idea of beauty that it would even cause me to turn against myself.
• My ribs are wide from the front view and narrow from the side. This is sort of the opposite of what I expected or wanted when I was younger. There are only a few inches between my hips and ribs in my  waist so when I get smaller a lot of the smaller happens from the profile view, it makes my waist-to-hip ratio from the profile look to be about 60% where from the front it looks to be about 80%. Really, this is just how different bodies are. Would I be so bound to societaly approved idea of Caucasian beauty that, like the Victorians, I'd have my floating rib removed to make my waist look smaller from the front view? I'm ashamed to say that in my early 20s I would have considered it. Now, no, I wouldn't. 
• I have wide shoulders. 

Exercise

Yesterday I did use the 8 lb weights when I was on the stair machine. That was good as I started sweating after about 9 minutes and continued to the entire 45 minutes.

I still used the 5 lb weights for the exercises, I admit I'm a little concerned about the extra 6 pounds doing damage to my weak spot. Did the 40 squats and 30 calf raises. I feel a little tender in my shoulders, probably from holding the 8 lb weights plus the normal shoulder exercises but not sore at all in my legs.

I held the plank pose both front and on each side for 3 sets of 40 second each. 2 minutes in total. I also did 2 sets of alphabet bicycle crunches (A-A through Z-Z would is one set). Abs are not sore.

15 push-ups. Pecks are sore. Seems to be about the only part of my body that is.

I plan to get to 50 squats and 20 push-ups. Holding the plank poses for 2 minutes strait is also a goal. Not quite sure what I'll do after being on the stair machine with 8 lb weights gets easy, but I'll deal with that if I get there.

Body and Health Update 6/26

I've decided to break this up into subheadings since I'm discussing different things:

Exercise:

I bought new weights yesterday.
8 lbs this time. I was finding that I could go nearly an hour on the stair machine with the 5 lb weights, and 90 minutes without them. Having a work out where the "cardio" takes 90 minutes isn't feasible. Though, it was fun; I watched the Lord of the Rings extended edition over the last week. Originally I wanted 7 or 7.5 lb weights but they didn't have them at Target. All they sold were 6 and 8 pound weights (I should clarify, they did have 7 lb kettle bells, that were more than $20 each, I just don't have the money for that). Since 6 is close to 5, 8 pounds it was.

With the increase in weights I intend to drop the time of my cardio back to 48 minutes (aka, the length of an episode of Fringe).

The stair machine from Wal-Mart is holding out quite well, despite a marked increase in the time I spend using it.

My work out has moved to 1:45 of plank and side planks, though I have split it up into 35 second holds rotating. I think I could pretty easily move it to 3 sets of 40 seconds each, but I found that a minute and 1:10 were pushing the limits of my attention span, the rotation of shorter times allows me to effectively distract myself. I have also moved to 2 alphabet sets of bicycle crunches. The first time for this increased amount was yesterday and I'm surprised that I'm not sore. My workouts also regularly feature 40 squats, 30 calf raises, and 12-13 push-ups in addition to the shoulder exercises I do with the weights while I am on the stair machine. I also have started doing a some squat jumps on the days where I'm energized. I have begun to stretch more as well, as sometimes I feel a bit stiff after long workouts. I stopped doing the high knees, they were good for my cardio level but drained me so quickly that I found myself actively resenting them, and the goal is to enjoy working out, it's not supposed to be mental "work". maybe I will try again later, but not now.

Eating:

I'm still doing the no sweetener thing, still enjoying it, still plan to do this the rest of my life. I do go through days or a period of a few days where I will crave candy/ice cream/cake/chips/croissants. I usually just end up eating more fruit, or pasta.

I've also noticed that a lot of my food cravings come from external food triggers/hunger stimuluses, which are often quite strong, and which just piss me off. I mean, really piss me off. People trying to manipulate me makes me angry. Being hungry makes me irritable. When I'm hungry and know it's because advertisers/businesses are manipulating me through my animal urges, well, it's not a good mood. It also makes me angry because people who fall pray to these incredibly powerful and subtle manipulations are villainized for it but the companies who do it are praised.

"Regular" American food (read; mac and cheese, pigs in a blanket, white bread, sweets, potato chips) has been giving me stomach cramps if I eat it, even though it is eaten rarely. If, by chance, I end up having two events in the same week (like I did last week, a dinner with friends Thursday night and then a wedding with a dinner Saturday night), it seems to be worse.

Case in point, I've been feeling gassy and bloated and gross all week. I think I'm beginning to develop an aversion to processed food. At the wedding I found myself thinking 'do I really want to eat this?' rather than 'Yay! Rule free event!'

Also, I've begun regularly taking vitamins, which only leaves  me nauseous about half the time I take them. I have learned I can't take them with breakfast, apparently an egg, a piece of buttered toast, an apple, and coffee is not enough of a "meal" to keep me from spending the next 3 or 4 hours swallowing down bile. Also, taking them at night is torture. So, lunch, which is undoubtedly my biggest meal of the day and the one I eat the quickest, is really the only acceptable time to take them (I say them because I take a multivitamin as well as one of 3 B supplements, usually folic acid, and a kelp supplement since my budget has restricted the buying of seaweed snacks).

Weight:

The last time I was on the scale, which was mid-month, I was 178. This means that I have lost (a little more than) 15% of my January body weight and that I am no longer "obese." I admit that I am hoping to be less than 175 when I move.

When I look in the mirror, I still see the same person. I still regularly refer to myself as fat.  I know it bothers my sister, who says I am not fat, but I think that her and I are coming from such disparate directions that I cannot explain it to her. To me, this makes sense; I don't change, the appearance of the girl in the mirror doesn't change. If how she looked/looks is "fat" than I will always be "fat." Part of my identity is being "fat." Why am I to try and find a new word that fits for merely "overweight"? Would any stranger be so kind? No. Additionally, I have no desire to join a part of society that would have rejected me previously (and, likely, still does). If I was an outsider I have no interest now in being part of the group.

I have been wondering recently what is likely to happen to me if my weight falls into the only-slightly-overweight category (1 to 10 lbs). This, assuming I continue with my present style of eating and exercising, is a reasonable conclusion at some point in the next year. I do not believe my discomfort with the privileged thin culture will have changed at all. At the same time, I do understand that there is a strong feeling of general distrust and animosity among larger folk towards people who are thin, whether they have "achieved" it or whether they were simply gifted with it. Will I find myself a true outcast or will I find that there is an entirely different sector of people, one largely ignored in the us vs. them war-on-fat?

But I digress.

Sizing:

In addition to having now lost 32 pounds, I also easily fit into a size 14. I can put on a size 12, but I am not a believer in if-you-can-zip-it-it-fits, and the bulge around the top says I am not yet a size 12.

I went through quite a lot of my old clothes in the garage and found that the smallest size seems to be a size 11, which is about a size 8-10. This was both when I was a junior in high school, and when I was on Crew in college. I think one can pretty reasonably argue that 8-10 would be my "ideal" size.  I also find it interesting that there was something like a 15 pound difference in my weight between the two times I wore the same size. Though I do wish I'd known then what I know about sugar now.

The smallest point of my middle is 33.5 inches, just above my belly button is 36, and the widest point of hips/butt is 43. Recently the measurement around my ribs seem to have grown, from 34 to 35 inches. I don't know why or if I'm just not measuring the same.

Sleep:

Sleep is still difficult. Even when I am utterly exhausted I find it hard to fall asleep without some assistance. I find it very hard to quiet my mind long enough for sleep to take hold, and I often jerk back in to waking just as I'm about to fall asleep. I often fall asleep around 1 or 2 a.m. And I am more than capable of sleeping 9 hours a night, which my body does every time it gets the chance.

On a lighter note, I have begun to dream of DC and they have been good dreams. This is very unexpected but leaves me much more optimistic than I have been, because I believe that my subconscious still believes I have made the right decision, in spite of my conscious doubts about my ability to make any right decision.

Appetite is back?

Maybe I worried for nothing. I ate like a normal person today and was ravenously hungry when I tried to skip a meal. Maybe it just took a little while [more than a week] to lose the effects from the antibiotic? Or for my stomach to regrow? No, that doesn't make any sense, I wasn't forcing food on myself.

It could also be because I'm back to my normal workout routine plus I'm using 5 pound weights during my cardio rather than 3 pound weights and I added one new high intensity exercise for my abs.
On that note; you're not going to be hearing much about the specifics of my work outs because I think that's personal, and it's not up for scrutiny. 

Anyway, I had a banana and toast and an egg and coffee with milk this morning, lots of water, an apple and greek yogurt and kimchi and a fruit leather and a cup of orange juice for lunch, then two servings of noodles and a serving and a half of beef and a serving of zucchini and 1 chocolate truffle from a student and another fruit leather and another banana. So, there you go, back to normal eating.

And, after the lunch my stomach was growling sooooo bad.

That's all.

Update:

My appetite was decreased the next day and now seems to be consistently low compared to what it was 3 weeks ago, but not non-existent. I am finding that I sometimes stink very badly when I sweat. I think this is ketosis.

5/12 Garden Update

My garden is doing quite well.
Yesterday I weeded the entire thing. It took me about six hours but it really was alright. There were quite a few clouds so I didn't get sunburned but it was cool and it didn't rain. It wasn't heavy labor that might trigger an itching episode from the last of the venom in my system but it was physical and relaxing. I can't imagine many other ways I would have enjoyed more than spending my day like I did.

Here is my garden. I don't know if you can see but a little over half the plants are starting to outgrow their containers. I intend to switch to 2 liter bottles when they get larger and begin to harden them off as they reach the tops of the 2 liters before removing them completely and moving the container to a different plant that has outgrown is smaller container. I also transplanted some of the last of my broccoli. I know, so very late, too late, but we'll see. The broccoli that's in my garden seems very stunted, and those are the ones that survived at all. I may not get any broccoli this year, but at least I gave it my best. I also put out a couple more kale and (re)planted carrots. This time I will make sure to cover them before pests can get to them (I have four out of about 20 growing from my last attempt). Other than that, reading the growing instructions on bell peppers was daunting. I think I will hoe out an area near the fence around the end of may and see if they'll grow there.

I picked two pea pods and ate them yesterday. They were quite tasty. and my pea plants seem to be doing pretty well, even if they are kind of short, and some of the ground planted ones seem to have had more trouble with bugs (don't know why, it's just a few).

Here is my sage plant, which seems to be turning into a bush. I'm very happy with the results of wintering it.

Oh, and this is actually a picture of my largest spinach from last week (obviously, as the garden is filled with weeds and maple seeds). It's larger now, and I think in another week I will start clipping off leaves to use.

Finally, I wanted to give you an up-close of one of my lettuces. This was actually taken while I was thinning them. I made a nice salad out of what I thinned and each "container" (what's the word for it?) has only one plant now. I'm very happy with them thus far.

Finally, I planted zania seeds in the front yard near the tree and near the rocks in our "flower bed." Hopefully those will grow. If they do I have every intention of pesticiding them. I would like people who are not just my next-door-neighbor to know I take care of my home, and it would be a nice sort of pretty-but-silent farewell to the neighborhood before I move.

Now I Have Energy?

I just finished working out; I have more energy than I've had all day.

I'm not sure if that's just the "runner's high" or if the tiredness was/is...I don't even know but I'm definitely going to try working out when I wake up tomorrow morning/afternoon (I say that because of all the meds I just took, they make knock me out quite soundly). If it works and keeps me awake and sound of mind, wonderful. If it wears off and I'm exhausted and have to pull myself through work I'll know it was temporary.

Day After Easter

So, Easter has passed, and today is the first day of the rest of my dietary life (it occurs to me that I'm aaaalll the tiiiime.
going to have to find something new to fast from next Lent). Lent is, of course, over, and I have chosen to continue with the no processed sweeteners with the exception of parties and holidays and situations where it would possibly damage relationships/important impressions. Lent was quite easy this year, once I got past the first week or two and the headache and the feeling crazy hungry

It was much easier than last year, even pleasant. I feel that I learned a lot about eating food in a more godly way, but not a lot about God. Though, I did begin to have Bible times again, so that's something. However; I'm not sure the fast directed my focus to God as much as I was hoping it would. Ah well, there's always next Lent.

That said; I feel that I have a much greater appreciation for food now, for flavors, for the subtlety of flavor. I feel as though I understand more clearly the concept of food "for my joy and nutrition." I also feel much more confident in eating. I don't think anyone could look at anything I eat now and reasonably claim it's unhealthy. Not unless, perhaps, they were a local-organic-raw food-vegan. ;-)

This morning I woke up and knew that I had to work out. I think I was in Korea the last time I woke up and was like "I need water, and exercise, stat." Worked out for 55 minutes instead of my normal 32 and drank a nice amount of water. I watched the Christmas episode of Doctor Who while I was on the stair machine. it was awesome. I felt awesome afterwards. I love working out and feeling awesome! I mean, I hated making myself work out to get thin and feeling guilty afterwards! I love working out because it feels good!

Wasn't really very hungry today but I was really craving healthy food, which was kind of a tough place to be in because I didn't want to eat, but I wanted to eat. I think my body just wanted to make up for what I ate yesterday. My stomach has also been making crazy rumblings all day long.

Today I had:

A banana
A small apple with 1/4 cup of whole fat Greek yogurt
Two scrambled eggs with a sprinkling of cheese
Two pieces of whole sprouted grain sweetener free toast with "buttery spread"
a serving and a half of grass fed beef cooked in a cup and a half of water with organic tomato sauce
1/4 of a large white onion
about 2 cups of steamed kale
extra strong coffee with 1 cup of milk and 2/3 of a tablespoon of local raw honey
a fruit leather
2 (3?) cups of 100% whole grain curly noodle pasta
Oh, and a handful of organic cherry tomatoes



I think this could work.

A Stupid Article and Why I Will Not Return to Urban Active

So, cycle started yesterday, and boy did it start with a bang. For about 3 hours I felt like my legs were balloons and my vagina was about to fall out. Spent those three hours in the bath, where I turned the water a rusty red, twice. WTheck, body? WTheck? Then in the middle of the night I woke to more cramping.

I spent most of today studying, and I'm about to resume studying. I just...I want to address a Yahoo article I read (I know, pearls before swine). It was something like "Diet strategies that just don't work" or "diet fact and fiction." I'm not sure. I am, however; sad that now Yahoo will write more bs articles like this because other idiot ladies like me clicked the stupid STUPID link. I hate Yahoo. I hate it with a passion. It is a representation of all that is wrong in our society.

I'm not going to give them the satisfaction of clicking the link again in order to quote it, but aside from the first one (I don't know what to call it, myth? Pervasive dieting idea, they were doing this "true/false" thing), about weight loss being harder the smaller you get. Oh, my gosh. No. I take that back. I just remembered. It said "predicts just how long you'll have to say non to french fries." FOREVER, you twit! If eating french fries made you bigger the first time then any time in the future that you return to eating french fries will return you to your former size. This idea that bad-for-you food is a "right" of the thin because thin people don't get fat off it, only fat people do, is a myth. And it's disgusting, and it presents bad food as a "reward" and abstaining as "punishment" for being fat, and ugly, and a failure, and socially unacceptable.

So, here's the deal, the studies say that the smaller you are the lower your metabolism is. That is; the smaller you are the less you can eat before you start getting fat again. And yet, we have this idea that once you're skinny enough you can go back to eating like you did before, as a reward. And I know I see plenty of skinny people eating junk food all the time. Are they just still in the process of getting fat? Or, do they have better metabolisms? Is it that smaller people have better metabolisms and bigger people don't? And that bigger people's metabolisms will, in fact, get even WORSE if they loose weight? And will never restabilize? I really want to know. Because this whole line of thinking is like a maze with no end.

Then it was like "If you work out you won't loose weight. True." And proceeded to say, you won't loose weight but you'll loose tummy fat and get leaner and healthier. This is the kind of BS I'm talking about. You WILL loose weight, when we mean "fat" by weight, because only someone with disordered eating/body image is going to think that all "weight" is bad. If I loose a dress size from working out but  no "weight," I am going to be CONFIDENT THAT I AM HEALTHIER. SCREW YOU SOCIETY. SCREW YOU.

There was more. The whole article was awful. The ideas presented were awful. Eat right, not because it's punishment, but because it's a reward. Learn to see bad food as bad. Learn to see good behavior, like being active or working out (and communicating effectively, and healthy body image, and good time management skills) as good. Forget these stupid bs articles, they lie.

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One more thing before I go. Two years ago I started at Urban Active. When I started I was told that one of the trainers would show me how to use the machines when I came in. So, on my first day I went to the trainer station and said I'd been told someone would tell me how to use the machines. I was pretty shy because I'd just come back from Korea and was still in that "passive Asian femininity" mode. So, when I waited a LONG time, and they had me fill out a sheet on my eating habits and working out (I knew I wanted to loose some weight, I'd put some on in the two months I'd been back), I didn't say anything, even though I had no idea what this had to do with the work out machines.

I tried to tell them why I was there. I wanted to know how to use the machines. When they said they were going to weigh me I didn't say anything even though I had no idea what this had to do with the machines. Finally a trainer came up to me and said I was 2 pounds obese and needed to loose 37 pounds, and that would only cost me about $40 a week. I was horrified, both at being called fat when I was already insecure, and being told I needed to loose almost twice the amount I had wanted to.  I just wanted to know how to  use the machines. At least I had the confidence to turn down the "offer" to drain my VERY limited bank account. He took me into a work out room and started running me through a private useful-only-with-a-trainer work out.

I said, again, that I wanted to know how to use the work out machines. He looked at me with this patronizing smile and said "Only the guys use the weight machines. You don't want to look like a guy do you?" I hung my head and said no. OF COURSE I WANT TO LOOK LIKE A GUY IF A GUY GETS TO EAT WHATEVER THE HELL HE WANTS AND HAS HARDLY ANY BODY FAT, YOU ASSHOLE!! I wish I'd said that. I hate body stereotypes  I am so embarrassed that I let that guy shame me. And angry. Angry at myself, angry at them. I never did learn how to use the weight machines, and I was too humiliated to ever go back and ask again. I spent the next six months working out two+ hours a day on the treadmill/stairmachine at the gym, until I felt like puking, limiting my calories to about 1100 a day, desperate to loose weight, going home and crying EVERY DAY because I still wasn't small enough. Never did loose all 37 pounds. Finally, I dropped the gym membership, because I couldn't handle it anymore.

Urban Active, you're a fat shaming body stereotyping bully and I will forever encourage everyone I know to NOT go to your gym.

My Stomach is Growling

My stomach is growling. Not that this is anything new. I'm fairly certain my stomach has been growling nearly non-stop since I gave up sweeteners. It has become a background noise, occasionally growing aggressive enough I begin to contemplate zombieism. I over steamed my kale this evening, I think my body is complaining that it didn't get enough nutrients. Ah well.

I think my period is finally starting. I know, too much info. Except, it doesn't feel like it's starting, but I think it is. Is this what periods feel like when you're not filled with artificial foods/sweeteners? I might be okay with this. Is it also going to be short? Because that would be awesome.

Today I discovered that I can increase the font size on my kindle reader. It is now possible to exercise on my stair machine AND read. I think I'm in love.

Take a Fall

Went and worked out again today.
It was pretty good for the most part. I made an endeavor to cut out the extended rests between my first and second sets of five (or cycles, as I do the things in cycles of five; two sets of side hopping-one on the left side and one on the right, one set of knee highs-like in soccer, and butt kicks-also like in soccer, and one of running). The final the cycle is mostly running.

It was pretty hot this morning, but I was at the track by, gosh, 8:30? It was pretty clear, because clearly only crazy people work out in this heat. I was feeling energized, and then about half way through my workout...

I tripped.

I splatted.

I think I bounced.

I laid there for a second assessing myself internally, making sure I hadn't broken or torn anything, then I got back up with a few bruises and a slightly bruised ego (lucky, that thing about there not being many people on the track this morning really worked in my favor) and finished my workout, albeit at a slightly gentler pace.

I also made sure to stretch extra well at the end.

And then, made a chiropractic appointment.

I'm still a bit sore but the chiropractor helped, I'm sure, and he also taught me an exercise to do to decrease shin splints. I told him about mine and since they're not getting worse he said that it's probably all just taking time healing from that first time I hurt them by wearing worn out shoes.

I have also begun to eat coconut oil. I'm trying to do that 1-2 tbsp a day thing (I hope it's not teaspoons...)

I also put it in my hair and am trying it on my skin. I'm convinced it made the skin on my face nicer. I hope to work out again tomorrow morning because I expect my cycle to start sometime between Friday and Sunday and I don't want to be surprised on the track by it because I didn't workout when I should have.

I'm thinking I'll have to take some pain killers though. Bodies do not like splatting on pavement, even if you're a tough-as-nails chick like me, haha.