Some Things I've Learned About my Body

You know, every body is different, everyone is different, but every body is a little different, too.

As I go on this journey of body and food and health, I'm learning things about my body and I'm learning to accept things about my body. Here are some things about my body, they are okay, they aren't bad, some people will share each of these things, some won't. They are part of what make me unique and make my body mine.

• I have thick legs. From big thighs to big knees to big ankles, my body keeps width and breadth and fat in my legs more than anywhere else. My thighs will always touch, and my calves will always be big. But in addition to being large, my legs have a great capacity for muscle. I remember being on crew and having nearly the most powerful legs on the team, and now as yesterday I did 40 squats, 30 calf raises, and 30 lunges yesterday along with an hour of cardio and hardly a groan or whimper from my legs today I'm reminded that my legs are strong; they are get-me-places legs. I used to hate my legs, but now I think that it's very unfortunate that I had such a limited idea of beauty that it would even cause me to turn against myself.
• My ribs are wide from the front view and narrow from the side. This is sort of the opposite of what I expected or wanted when I was younger. There are only a few inches between my hips and ribs in my  waist so when I get smaller a lot of the smaller happens from the profile view, it makes my waist-to-hip ratio from the profile look to be about 60% where from the front it looks to be about 80%. Really, this is just how different bodies are. Would I be so bound to societaly approved idea of Caucasian beauty that, like the Victorians, I'd have my floating rib removed to make my waist look smaller from the front view? I'm ashamed to say that in my early 20s I would have considered it. Now, no, I wouldn't. 
• I have wide shoulders. 

Insonmnia

You know, I wish I could tell you an easy cure for insomnia.

If I knew it I'd use it.

From what I can tell, there is no easy cure. Even the hard cures are hard.

I've been suffering from a bout of insomnia lately courtesy of the antibiotics I was taking. My body clock is all out of sync now.

2:30 am to 11am is not a good sleeping schedule.

I suspect that the situation isn't helped by the fact that I lived in South Korea for two years. I think my body still has a left over memory of that, and is trying for the nice medium of living on eastern European time.

So, it's back to melatonin for the next week or two, and trying to wake up early, even if I didn't go to sleep early.

And exercising. I have ADHD and exercise is really unnecessary for focus, and for sleep. I have to strain out some of the excess fidgetyness. I don't see a flaw in working out hard for a full hour every day, not to loose weight, but to sleep well.

Additionally, nothing with caffeine after 5pm.

And, computer off and closed by 10.

It's funny to me because I like sleep, and I love waking up, but I don't like going to sleep.

Wish me luck!

The Weight of the World on Us

You know, they say that loosing weight and regaining it is worse for you than simply maintaining a high weight. Funny, then, that the entire world indites you for your weight. I feel...an unending kind of guilt and worthlessness for never being able to reach weight. A kind of constant defamation of my character. I stopped cutting, I changed my entire mindset so that I am free from crippling depression and anxiety, I lived in a foreign country, I completed college, yet I have so little self control that I cannot stop eating enough to loose weight.

In England they call it "The War on Fat," but everyone knows what they mean is "The War on Fat People."

People post on web pages everything from "I don't like to hang around overweight people, it's just so unhealthy, you know. It's gross that they let themselves get like that," (and just "overweight"? I think, what is their definition of overweight, anything higher than a BMI of 25? Do they check people before they'll hang out with them, or are they so convinced of their discerning eye that they can tell .1% more fat on a female body?) to "It's truly disgusting, we should let them die, kill all the fatties and make the world a better place." Whether people want to believe it, whether it's ethical or moral or not, this is the way society thinks, it's how they've been trained. The war on fat across the world hasn't decreased the number of overweight and obese, but it has SEVERELY MARGINALIZED them. Anyone who is bigger, particularly and emphatically women who are larger, can attest to this. It's dehumanizing.

Tell me, when 90% of the population is overweight or obese (we're already pushing 70%), will you still claim it's merely a matter of self-control?

When I was in South Korea I exercised nearly every day. I hiked each week, and ran more than 5 miles in addition to weight training. I worked out about 2 hours 5 to 6 days a week (I say about 2 because some times I went over, sometimes it was only 1:50). I ate healthy Korean dishes and limited my intake of any sweet drink or treat and walked virtually everywhere I went. My lowest weight was 169 lbs. Then, in Europe, where I was despairing and decided to have fun, and ate everything I could get my hands on from beer and ice cream to sandwiches to the local delicacies, I dropped weight. How did I drop weight?

In addition, my lowest weight, and my fittest self, able to run five miles and do two dozen push-ups, endless crunches and squats, I still weighed 163lbs. Which, if I do have big bones, is 8 pounds higher than the highest I should weigh, and still puts me in the category of "overweight and obese" that is the "plague" on today's society. And, if I don't have big bones, is 13 pounds more than the highest weight I ought to weigh. When I was on Crew at Murray State my lowest weight was 169 lbs. ON CREW. How young was I? 18, 19, 20, how much was I working out? 12+ hours a week. Plus, I had no car, so I was also walking. If, at 19, I was not able to reach a "healthy" weight, despite being an NCAA athlete, what hope do I have?

And yet, I will always be indited for my weight. Everyone who sees me will assume my character is visibly and, literally, fatally flawed.

What bothers me more is to see people who are of a "normal" weight eating the things that I should be refusing myself. How come they get to go to the ice cream shop? How come they get to eat cake? How come they get to drink sweet tea? How come they get to wear flattering clothes? Their bodies do not betray them, their bodies to not stigmatize them, but mine does.

I once knew a girl who ate no sugar, just honey. She was fatter than I was. And yet the idea wasn't entirely flawed.

I went off all sugar for lent and lost 7 lbs. I have decided to do this again, but to include exercising.
My present weight is 193 on a good day, but generally 195. Even for me it is not a weight I am comfortable with.

I also go into this despairing, not because I do not think I can be healthy, not because I do not think I have value, but because I do not believe whether I'm "healthy" or not will change how people perceive me. I will always be "overweight" and that is how strangers and health care professionals will see me first; as a disease caused by character failure, as a social problem, and maybe, if I'm lucky, as a person.