In DC Now

I moved!

And, I now weigh 169  lbs.

Don't have internet so I will post more when I do.

Krav Maga Worries

So,

All this time I have been planning to start training in Krav Maga when I move. I looked up the fighting styles, I watched examples of classes. It seems like a very effective and practical style of self defense, not a lot of dancing or rhetoric.

At first my father seemed adamant that I couldn't do it. He warned me that all martial arts were simply ways of learning how to handle being punched. This left visions in my head of me standing unmoving at attention while an instructor punched me in the stomach.

This wasn't what the training videos showed, so I decided that whatever he was trying to scare me out of was incorrect. Besides, I've taken blows from car airbags and from heads run into my face at full force, I've pushed off overly aggressive men, and I've solidly brained myself man times. I can take a hit, and I've already established that pain...has less of an effect on me than it does other women (probably due to the self-injury in my past, or perhaps it's the other way around, I'll never know).

This was all fine and good.

My father has switched tactics. He now seems rather excited that I'll do Krav Maga. He now seems to suggest I'll become like him, and that I'll become "bad ass." I don't want to become like him and I don't want to become bad ass. I don't want Krav Maga or self defense to become my life. I don't want to be paranoid. I don't want to scan every room, shout at anyone who stands behind my line of sight, and always have to stand or sit facing a door. I just want to be aware, confident that if trouble brings itself to me that I can handle it, that I don't need a protector who won't be there anyway. There are very few protectors in this world, far too few to go around, I have to be my own protector. That's all I want from this. Just to be able to protect myself if I need it. I don't want to become my own bloody secret service body guard. I don't want to find myself suddenly talking about how the country is falling apart and civilians are all naive pussies and it's totally okay to say you want to stab someone in the eye with a pencil as a way to express irritation. I've spent my whole life trying NOT to be that kind of person.

But mostly I ignore it, because if I haven't become that person yet, why would I think that I could?

And then there's my present worry, and frankly, the most frightening. I read a blog by a woman who had been taking Krav Maga for a year. She cites becoming paranoid, trusting people less (is it possible for me to become less trusting? Is that a likelihood? I know that I already have HUGE trust issues, big enough they hinder relationships) and being choked to the point of being unable to breath during stress drills. It's that last part that's the biggest problem. I know my father regrets it, and I don't have problems with my throat being touched anymore, but just reading about being choked and I feel myself reverting to a frightened eight year old. I know that if I'm thrown into that situation without considerable psychological fortitude on my part I will regress, not only will I regress but I will relive the events that caused the issue in the first place and unless whoever is choking me is able to recognize someone in the midst of an abuse flashback I could well end up coming to severe harm because I won't fight back. That's what I'm afraid of, that I won't fight back, because I couldn't back then and that I'll suddenly be in need of weekly counseling to work through (yet AGAIN) the fear and pain and paranoia and sense of being completely unsafe and without defense that I've spent my whole life trying to shuck off, and that it will have a detrimental effect on my grades.

If taking Krav Maga makes me safe but stops me from becoming a therapist, it's not worth it.

Slight Change in Workout Plans

My stair machine broke four days ago. I was using it and I heard a popping sound, and then a few more popping sounds, and my feet both dropped to the bar. the cord that held the pully had snapped. I think I have a warranty that I bought somewhere in a box or file around here. I need to find it so Wal-Mart can replace this thing. Unless, of course, they consider using the stair machine as voiding the warranty. I am sure it has never been dropped or kicked or used for any reason other than its purpose.

Either way, my workouts have been moved out doors in the past few days. I'm now doing strength training entirely independently of cardio, because I don't have the stamina to run every day and not get too sore to move after a few days. I've been running every other day, which is miserable and reminds me why I got the stair machine in the first place, but effective none-the-less.

I've been doing running in intervals. The first work out was 10 two-minute runs with 1 minute of rest in between. It was a cool day and I was booking it; an 11 minute mile when three of those minutes were walking. The next time I ran I was eager to see if I could run at that speed without the rests. I can't. Even at 10 in the morning it had already gotten into the 80s and was shockingly muggy. In addition I was still dealing with soreness from the previous run and the allergies are ridiculous. I ran 1.2 miles (1 lap at the park) in 13.5 minutes with a significant slow down in the last 0.2 miles where the heat got to me and I was feeling my toast and egg breakfast start to come back up. It was all I could do to finish the lap. I'm disappointed, but I don't suppose I should be since I haven't run at all in 8 months and it was very hot and humid and I'm sure that the constant stream of snot running down my throat and out of my nose to blend with the sweat dripping off me didn't help in the slightest. I finished out the workout with intervals or running again.

I think I could make a 10 minute mile if the morning was nice and all I had to run was a mile and I'd had a light breakfast (eg. an apple and a piece of toast and tea with no milk).

Breathing has been fine both times, no gasping, no short quick breaths. I wonder if I could loosen the control on my breathing, if that would speed me up or slow me down.

That being said; neither workout was fun. I don't like running. It's not relaxing or soothing. It does not make me feel happy or refreshed or successful. It's only meditative in the sense of forcing yourself to focus on a single thing.

I suppose I should be happy that I can run a mile, or even 1.2 miles, since most people can't.

It occurs to me that when I returned from my first stint in Korea I could run three laps at this park without much trouble. And compared to that my present running ability and run time isn't great. But...when I look back at myself during that time...I had few friends, no confidence, I was often distressed, I felt like I had to workout had to run had to be beautiful through health. I just...wouldn't go back to that place for the life of me. Maybe I can't run 3.6 miles anymore, but I'll be damned if I'm not far happier with myself now and in a much better place than I ever was then.

. . .

I need to find that warranty.

I should have known; migraines, insomnia, and bug bites

Well, I weighed myself yesterday and I was 176.6, so that's always pleasant.

I can't help but wonder; if I ever get to 154, what's that freak out going to look like? Like, I would have to resynthesize a ...fair portion of my identity. Or, weirder yet, I would have to resynthesize  almost none of my identity despite previous expectations that I would.

Then, I was treating the bites on my legs and they actually got better soooo WOO-HOO. No doctor visits for me!

Tinnitus today. Migraine yesterday. I can hardly remember Saturday except that I didn't fall asleep until about 4:30 am on Sunday morning; I'm guessing I had an aura and didn't realize it. Actually, I should have guessed on Friday when my pupils were different sizes.

I woke up at 8 am today, which was great, despite the cat tormenting me last night.

Trying to drink lots of water, that merely seems to result in me peeing a lot.

Again?!!! Cincha!

I have another spider bite that is growing. I got it two days ago while talking to my neighbor in the backyard. I noticed some itching on my legs while we were talking and when I got in I had two bites in almost identical spots under my jeans and about ten mosquito bites on my exposed arms. The mosquito bites calmed down quickly, the bites on my legs didn't.

They didn't  itch as much this time, but I woke in the middle of night when I scratched open the one on my left thigh. That's the one that's getting worse. It now has a fat (1 to 1 and a half inch) pink ring around it. I've been putting triple antibiotic cream on both of them at night, and the steroid cream on them during the day. It seems to be helping the one on the right, not doing much/anything for the one on the left.

This time you can see two individual bites on the left one. So, hey, confirmation of a spider.

I'll wait it out until Monday, it won't have killed me by Monday, and then I'll go into the clinic.

Joy.   -_-

I hate spider bites.

Why me?

I just Discovered an Amazing Website!

It's called Beauty Redefined, and you should really really take a look.

Sugar me Surprised

Apparently the average person in the US consumes 90 pounds of added sugars a year.

So, I thought, how much do I consume? Well, I go through 12 oz of organic local raw honey about every 2 weeks. So, I did the math, and then I added some for the weekly outings with a sweet roll, or the monthly/bimontly cake, pie, or ice cream, and a bit more for holidays.

22%

Let's say I underestimated how much sugar is consumed at these outings and on holidays and up it to 25%

That still means I'm consuming 1/4 of the added sugars the average American is, and 1/4 the added sugars people were consuming in 1985.

Holy crap, that's a lot of sugar!

Some Things I've Learned About my Body

You know, every body is different, everyone is different, but every body is a little different, too.

As I go on this journey of body and food and health, I'm learning things about my body and I'm learning to accept things about my body. Here are some things about my body, they are okay, they aren't bad, some people will share each of these things, some won't. They are part of what make me unique and make my body mine.

• I have thick legs. From big thighs to big knees to big ankles, my body keeps width and breadth and fat in my legs more than anywhere else. My thighs will always touch, and my calves will always be big. But in addition to being large, my legs have a great capacity for muscle. I remember being on crew and having nearly the most powerful legs on the team, and now as yesterday I did 40 squats, 30 calf raises, and 30 lunges yesterday along with an hour of cardio and hardly a groan or whimper from my legs today I'm reminded that my legs are strong; they are get-me-places legs. I used to hate my legs, but now I think that it's very unfortunate that I had such a limited idea of beauty that it would even cause me to turn against myself.
• My ribs are wide from the front view and narrow from the side. This is sort of the opposite of what I expected or wanted when I was younger. There are only a few inches between my hips and ribs in my  waist so when I get smaller a lot of the smaller happens from the profile view, it makes my waist-to-hip ratio from the profile look to be about 60% where from the front it looks to be about 80%. Really, this is just how different bodies are. Would I be so bound to societaly approved idea of Caucasian beauty that, like the Victorians, I'd have my floating rib removed to make my waist look smaller from the front view? I'm ashamed to say that in my early 20s I would have considered it. Now, no, I wouldn't. 
• I have wide shoulders. 

Lemons and Fruit Water

I've decided to try and add more lemon to my diet. It doesn't seem difficult at all and I've read a lot about the benefits of lemon.
It became really apparent to me today that I could do this easily because I'd made a pitcher of lemon water. I can't remember if I blogged about fruit water but it's something I've been trying this summer; making fruit waters (last summer I tried making your own fruit popsicles, which were nice but required  a lot of cleaning and blending. I'd probably enjoy it more this year but I'm not really feeling it). I know the blogs I read talked about eating the fruit after the water was gone but I've found the fruit has gone sort of soft and flavorless by the time the water is gone so it just goes the compost. Some of them were good, like the melon water, others haven't been so good. Yesterday I chopped up a skinned lemon and half a skinned lime and tossed it in to make lemon water.

It's delicious.

Like, shockingly delicious.

I may drink the whole pitcher tonight.

Lemons aren't very expensive. Thus, Yay! I have found a way to incorporate more lemons into my diet.

P.S. The reason I don't use lemon juice is because a lot of the lemon juices have added sugars or flavorings or preservatives. It just seems better to use the real thing, you know?

Regular Lunch

Hey folks. I wanted to show you guys what I would normally eat for lunch, or, say, my second meal of the day (which can really happen any time between 11 and 6).

Here we have a plate with a serving of salmon. I might switch this up salmon, talapia, chicken, beef, eggs if I'm feeling really lazy, nuts and Greek yogurt if I'm feeling really really lazy...

Also, we have about two servings of pasta. After I took the picture I added half a tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil, organic cayenne powder, organic paprika, Parmesan cheese, and three chopped basil leaves. That's pretty normal for me though usually I'll add garlic instead of cayenne. I felt spicy today.

The veggies are one large sauteed mushroom and the other half of the giant zucchini I got from my garden a few days ago. To them I added garlic and pepper and a pinch of salt (1/6 of a teaspoon), and sauteed them in a tablespoon of olive oil. And, because I felt like it, though I don't do this every day, I shredded a little mozzarella over the top.

Then I proceeded to eat only half the plate before I was stuffed and put the rest in the fridge for dinner. Ah well.