I'm not perfect.
My psychological state isn't perfect, my health isn't perfect.
I do hope you know that.
I'm hoping that I can voice this, well write it, and get it out of my head.
As a warning, I am about to argue with myself, and this could be triggery for those of you who suffer from eating disorders. For that I apologize.
Last I weighed I was somewhere between 186 and 188. I made the mistake of weighing twice in a week. Stupid.
My brain is saying, you lost [almost] 8 pounds last month. You could do it again. Maybe your metabolism has sped up. Maybe it will happen again and again. If you lost 8 pounds this month and in the two months following that would be 24 pounds. 24 pounds in three months. That's 2 pounds a week. That's twice your previous speed. You should work out more, eat less. Maybe you could be 150 by December, maybe you could be 145. 210 minus 65 is 145. That's more than 1/4 of your weight. 210 minus 4 minus 5 minus 5 minus....
This.
This is why I am not weighing myself.
Welcome to the dark side of my mind. This counting and recounting doesn't just relate to weight, it goes to calories and to other things, if I let it.
It's anxiety. My anxiety. Trying to contain itself by counting.
My mind does this with things I'm anxious about, it tries to circle back on itself. When I'm worried about a situation my mind rehashes all possible outcomes that it can consider, each more extreme than the last in a cycle that used to drive me mad.
And, honestly, sometimes still does.
My mind is full of sinkholes.
But I've learned what others haven't; you don't have to fall in.
If you don't fall in, eventually they start to seal over.
*I wanted to show you all this thinking because I want to discuss why it's wrong, how it's wrong* (and maybe pull myself further from this sink hole, walk away instead of sticking my toe in)
I do not believe that my weight determines my beauty or my value or my success in pursuing health. I see nothing but crackpot evidence of any of those things. What does it matter if I'm 145 or 150? Will I be more beautiful? Will I feel more beautiful? No. I've lost weight before with the "I'll be better, I'll be more when" mentality, and I was miserable. I lost opportunities because by the time I "got there" I was so consumed with "not good enough" that I was lost in it. No, losing weight, specifically losing to a "goal" weight, won't make me feel more beautiful.
And, I believe that beauty is innate. I believe that beauty comes from *existing* beautifully; from being spiritually healthy, from treating your body and mind well, from making intimate connections, from doing good, from loving yourself, from loving others, from being your best self. This is beauty. All people are capable of beauty at all stages of life, all sizes, all ages. So, no, losing weight cannot make me more beautiful, because beauty is more than something that can be bought or sold, beauty is not something you can cake on or take away. So, no, losing weight won't make me more beautiful.
Will it make me more valuable? Perhaps to some, but to none who matter. Do I resent those who think weight and value are correlated? Yes. Do I see them as morally deficient? Yes! Do I think they harm society with their views? Yes! Do I want to impress or give a sense of validity to those who I feel are socially disruptive and morally deficient? No. So, I cannot consider that any social "value" gained by weight loss would have any gain me. No more than blood money. You win and you loose, and the latter in far greater measure.
Will losing to a particular goal weight make me healthier? I really really really don't believe so. No. It won't. I am healthy. I exercise for an hour nearly every day. I do my best to make sure I get enough sleep. I work hard to ensure and maintain a healthy psychological state. I pursue my faith. I have removed all things both made of and containing sugar or any processed sweetener from my diet. I try to laugh every day. I go to the doctor when I'm sick. I avoid excess. No, I'm healthy. As long as I continue to do these things to the best of my ability, I am healthy. Only idiots who look only at numbers would think that I'd be more healthy at a low goal weight.
Even if all the idiots thought I was healthy, I'd be unhappy. No, that's not a worthy exchange.
Besides, the likelihood of continuing to lose weight at any one speed, is highly unlikely. The body is not like a car that you can set to cruise control. It varies with time of year, food intake, stress, and hormones. Additionally the lower your weight, the less you will lose, if you are losing, if you should lose at all for optimum health, because the lower it goes (to a point, obviously), the closer you get to your healthy weight. Yours. Not some got-dam chart made up by someone obsessed with saving insurance companies money (does it not seem odd, the concept that an insurance company is a business and not a charity nullifies the purpose of being insurance...). We are not numbers, we are not statistics.
Beyond all that, it's far more likely that the 8 pounds was a fluke, maybe even a fluke of the scale, particularly seeing as I'd lost 5 pounds each in the 3 previous months. To make a number goal, to obsess, to count and recount as my mind is inclined to is a recipe for pain, both psychological pain in the form of intense anxiety and self doubt, and the pain of disappointment when I inevitably fail to reach a goal I have never ever reached, not even with my best previous efforts.
So, this is how I will close;
The numbers don't matter, and the time doesn't matter.
I am healthy, and I will continue to be healthy. It would be nice to get below "obese," but I don't have to. I am healthy, my body will go where it needs to. I trust it.
I am committed to loving my body now. If it changes, I will love it then too, and I will love the memory of how my body was.
I am beautiful now. I will practice existing beautifully.
I am valuable now. Value is one of the most inalienable rights. Right up there with beauty. And, like beauty, it cannot be diminished by there being more people with it. It is innate to us (this is why the darkness of the world tries to convince us we don't have it, or that we've lost it). I will practice living in light of that knowledge; that I am very valuable, that we all are.
I am eternal. I will live in light of eternity. I understand that I am a baby in this universe and I will pursue beautiful maturity in all things, but especially my soul.
:-)
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Monday, May 13, 2013
Example of food
Okay, seriously, what is with not being hungry?
Today I ate:
1 banana
2 small pears
2 servings of chicken
2 scrambled eggs with about 1/4 cup of 2% milk added in and about 1/4 cup of cheese sprinkled on top
1 coffee with 1/2 cup of milk and
1 tablespoon of raw honey split between the coffee and a big mug of mint tea
1 zucchini
2 servings of pasta with some olive oil and a little grated parmesean cheese
2 fruit leathers
1 cup of orange juice
Sooo
3ish servings of dairy
4 servings of protein
2 servings of pasta
2ish servings of veggies
5ish servings of fruit
and some oil
and coffee
wtf
Not enough calories, definitely not enough veggies. Grrrr.
Today I ate:
1 banana
2 small pears
2 servings of chicken
2 scrambled eggs with about 1/4 cup of 2% milk added in and about 1/4 cup of cheese sprinkled on top
1 coffee with 1/2 cup of milk and
1 tablespoon of raw honey split between the coffee and a big mug of mint tea
1 zucchini
2 servings of pasta with some olive oil and a little grated parmesean cheese
2 fruit leathers
1 cup of orange juice
Sooo
3ish servings of dairy
4 servings of protein
2 servings of pasta
2ish servings of veggies
5ish servings of fruit
and some oil
and coffee
wtf
Not enough calories, definitely not enough veggies. Grrrr.
Family Health
I don't talk a whole lot about my family on here, mostly it's not relevant, but I wanted to talk a little about it today.
My father has kidney disease. It says in check mostly, but his weight is higher than his job would like. Around the new year he was given a nutritionist (he's seen her before for his weight) who put him on a "shake" diet. My mother calculated that they were having him eat between 600 and 800 calories a day. I think at the time my father weighed around 220. Well, being a man, he dropped weight very very quickly, and made weight when he was tested. I voiced that I thought this was a bad idea, and that he would put the weight back on. He said that your metabolism speeds up when you lose weight (interesting how my father, or is that all men, have very different ideas on weight loss and gain than women do) and that he looked forward to going back to "normal eating" when it was all done. Well, it was done, and he did, and he put most of the weight back on. I said nothing, because it's rude to rub things in people's faces, but he did mention that I had been right, which was vindicating.
I do have a point in telling you all this.
Recently I had a talk with my father about removing sweeteners from your diet, how I thought that was to blame for poor health, that I didn't think it was as simple as "calories in calories out," and that simply by removing anything with sweeteners and using raw honey sparingly and replacing the old foods with fresh whole foods I had lost 23(21?) pounds and felt great. He took this to heart, though perhaps not exactly as I would have hoped (but I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth), and has begun to remove things with sweeteners from his diet. He has stopped drinking any soda, and has replaced sugar in his coffee with a bit of raw local honey. I'm very pleased. I believe his health will improve and he will see some weight loss. He has also been asking my mother about the specifics of my diet as she knows exactly what I'm doing. I am very happy to have had a positive influence on his eating habits.
Additionally, my younger sister has begun to consume more healthy foods. We live together so she is a constant observer of how I eat, and while her diet is definitely very different from mine, any change she makes toward healthier whole food is a good one. With her MS it's definitely important in my book to positively influence her eating/lifestyle habits however I can. Though, I admit that I spend most of the time feeling like I'm having no influence at all. Additionally, she has begun to take a medication to decrease her constant state of sleepiness/near constant sleep. She was very productive on the day she took it. I was impressed. I hope this med works out well for her.
Finally, and I think this is going to be the best, my mother. My mother, in my opinion, very likely has an undiagnosed autoimmune disorder. Ever couple of years she goes through a period where her body completely rebels against her, swelling in her joints, pain, exhaustion, ect. This lasts for an undefined period of time, and all the tests come back negative, until it fades away and she is fine for a while before whatever it is flares back up. My father, being the enourager that he is, always declares her dying at the beginning of these things, and goes on about how her health is declining and he will outlive her and have to find another wife and generally becomes someone I want to avoid at all costs. And I worry a lot, because she and I are very close.
Well, the most recent case involved her stomach swelling and her ability to eat foods being reduced to almost nothing. She was limited to mostly semi-solids or else have horrible stomach pain for the better part of the last year and a half. At first they thought it was cancer, then a variety of other diseases, but all the test came back negative. My mother also developed regular migraines. The did lots of tests, and concluded that she needed to "lose weight." That's it, she was having severe water retention in her stomach and visible inflammation of her intestines and stomach because she was 220 lbs and needed to "lose weight."
So, she worked out 45-70 minutes on her treadmill every day, increased the incline and the speed, took walks to the park with my father, and kept eating what she could. She figured out at some point she was only eating around 1000-1200 calories a day. She lost weight VERY VERY SLOWLY. When she was finally down to "not obese" she went back to the doctor. She still had the severe water retention, still had the inflammation still had the stomach pain. Their response was "oh, we thought it would go away. Well, it doesn't seem to be killing you, so maybe this is your life now."
I have to admit that my mother's trials with the (sizist) doctors have developed, in me, a general resentment of the medical establishment.
Well, recently she got a new doctor, who set up new tests, took her off her old medicine, gave her a new medicine, and gave her packets of probiotics.
On Friday I shared some of an apple with my mother. Now, remember, she's spent the better part of a year and a half on a mostly semi-solid diet. She expected to have a severe stomach ache that night but at the apple slices anyway because she was hungry. She didn't have any pain.
Then she ate some pizza at a get-together with friends. No pain.
She bought a couple of apples and ate them. NO PAIN!!!!
I am super excited, stoked, that my mother's stomach might be healing, that she might be able to go back to a "real" diet, a truly healthy diet with fruits and vegetables and whole grains. I don't know if it was time, or this doctor, the timing implies the doctor did something, but I'm super happy. This is wonderful news, and I hope it continues; for my mother's sake, for her health, and for my sake, for my peace of mind as I move.
These improvements to my family members health make me very happy.
My father has kidney disease. It says in check mostly, but his weight is higher than his job would like. Around the new year he was given a nutritionist (he's seen her before for his weight) who put him on a "shake" diet. My mother calculated that they were having him eat between 600 and 800 calories a day. I think at the time my father weighed around 220. Well, being a man, he dropped weight very very quickly, and made weight when he was tested. I voiced that I thought this was a bad idea, and that he would put the weight back on. He said that your metabolism speeds up when you lose weight (interesting how my father, or is that all men, have very different ideas on weight loss and gain than women do) and that he looked forward to going back to "normal eating" when it was all done. Well, it was done, and he did, and he put most of the weight back on. I said nothing, because it's rude to rub things in people's faces, but he did mention that I had been right, which was vindicating.
I do have a point in telling you all this.
Recently I had a talk with my father about removing sweeteners from your diet, how I thought that was to blame for poor health, that I didn't think it was as simple as "calories in calories out," and that simply by removing anything with sweeteners and using raw honey sparingly and replacing the old foods with fresh whole foods I had lost 23(21?) pounds and felt great. He took this to heart, though perhaps not exactly as I would have hoped (but I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth), and has begun to remove things with sweeteners from his diet. He has stopped drinking any soda, and has replaced sugar in his coffee with a bit of raw local honey. I'm very pleased. I believe his health will improve and he will see some weight loss. He has also been asking my mother about the specifics of my diet as she knows exactly what I'm doing. I am very happy to have had a positive influence on his eating habits.
Additionally, my younger sister has begun to consume more healthy foods. We live together so she is a constant observer of how I eat, and while her diet is definitely very different from mine, any change she makes toward healthier whole food is a good one. With her MS it's definitely important in my book to positively influence her eating/lifestyle habits however I can. Though, I admit that I spend most of the time feeling like I'm having no influence at all. Additionally, she has begun to take a medication to decrease her constant state of sleepiness/near constant sleep. She was very productive on the day she took it. I was impressed. I hope this med works out well for her.
Finally, and I think this is going to be the best, my mother. My mother, in my opinion, very likely has an undiagnosed autoimmune disorder. Ever couple of years she goes through a period where her body completely rebels against her, swelling in her joints, pain, exhaustion, ect. This lasts for an undefined period of time, and all the tests come back negative, until it fades away and she is fine for a while before whatever it is flares back up. My father, being the enourager that he is, always declares her dying at the beginning of these things, and goes on about how her health is declining and he will outlive her and have to find another wife and generally becomes someone I want to avoid at all costs. And I worry a lot, because she and I are very close.
Well, the most recent case involved her stomach swelling and her ability to eat foods being reduced to almost nothing. She was limited to mostly semi-solids or else have horrible stomach pain for the better part of the last year and a half. At first they thought it was cancer, then a variety of other diseases, but all the test came back negative. My mother also developed regular migraines. The did lots of tests, and concluded that she needed to "lose weight." That's it, she was having severe water retention in her stomach and visible inflammation of her intestines and stomach because she was 220 lbs and needed to "lose weight."
So, she worked out 45-70 minutes on her treadmill every day, increased the incline and the speed, took walks to the park with my father, and kept eating what she could. She figured out at some point she was only eating around 1000-1200 calories a day. She lost weight VERY VERY SLOWLY. When she was finally down to "not obese" she went back to the doctor. She still had the severe water retention, still had the inflammation still had the stomach pain. Their response was "oh, we thought it would go away. Well, it doesn't seem to be killing you, so maybe this is your life now."
I have to admit that my mother's trials with the (sizist) doctors have developed, in me, a general resentment of the medical establishment.
Well, recently she got a new doctor, who set up new tests, took her off her old medicine, gave her a new medicine, and gave her packets of probiotics.
On Friday I shared some of an apple with my mother. Now, remember, she's spent the better part of a year and a half on a mostly semi-solid diet. She expected to have a severe stomach ache that night but at the apple slices anyway because she was hungry. She didn't have any pain.
Then she ate some pizza at a get-together with friends. No pain.
She bought a couple of apples and ate them. NO PAIN!!!!
I am super excited, stoked, that my mother's stomach might be healing, that she might be able to go back to a "real" diet, a truly healthy diet with fruits and vegetables and whole grains. I don't know if it was time, or this doctor, the timing implies the doctor did something, but I'm super happy. This is wonderful news, and I hope it continues; for my mother's sake, for her health, and for my sake, for my peace of mind as I move.
These improvements to my family members health make me very happy.
Eating
I'm going to post two entries today, because I feel they're pretty different topics.
First, eating. I'm convinced that I've been eating significantly less lately, since the spider bite (or there around). Let me tell you why, I didn't run out of food last week. In fact, I have about half of last week's food left, even staples like pasta and eggs and fruit and cheese.
You see, each week I only buy about as much food as I think I will eat for the next week (except for meat, which I buy two weeks' worth of, and things like olive oil and spices). So, if I'm eating about half of that in a week, that's a pretty significant decrease in food intake. I've also noticed that I'm tending toward eating only two real meals a day, with maybe a third small meal/snack.
Frankly, I'm not entirely sure why this is happening. It could be that my body is changing, it could be because I was sick. It could be because of the antibiotics, or maybe the topamax. But here's the thing, the bite is almost entirely healed, I haven't taken the antibiotics in two days, and I haven't taken the topamax in 4 or 5 (which is more days than I took it).
So, is the lack of appetite the left over meds in my system, or the left over toxins or just a change in my own body?
I don't know.
Part of me is happy about this. The upside is that I'm not hungry as often. Not being hungry is nice as being hungry is unpleasant. Also, if this persists it means I might actually be able to keep within my food budget when I move. That's a nice prospect.
Part of me is uncomfortable with this. First, your body needs food to provide itself with vitamins and nutrients, if you're not eating much, you're not getting those important vitamins and nutrients. Second, I hope I've made this clear in previous posts, but I think that our culture/country's obsession with cutting calories is absolute bullshit. In fact, I think that cutting calories can cause the metabolism to slow and can cause malnutrition. I believe that it's our intake of "artificial" foods and specifically of processed sweeteners (both caloric and non-caloric) that have cause the "obesity epidemic." I think that the entire "obesity epidemic" campaign is a giant fucking red herring to redirect blame at the subjects suffering rather than at the businesses and policies that support produce and peddle and distribute the products causing the suffering.
Additionally, and especially, I believe that if you are physically active, exercise regularly, get enough sleep, love yourself, are socially proactive, as psychologically healthy as you are presently able to be, practice stress reduction techniques, and eat a diet largely free of processed foods and sweeteners than you are healthy. Healthy and beautiful. And you have a right to live in light of that knowledge. It doesn't matter what weight you are. If you're living like that and your weight drops, great, if your weight stays the same, great, if you weight goes up, great (maybe you're building muscle, maybe you were too skinny). I think that body-hatred and self-hatred is far more destructive to a life than extra weight is to health.
Soooooooo, when I look at my own body and see that I went 10 hours without eating on Saturday and was fine with it, I'm not sure I'm fine with it, but it's definitely keeping costs down.
P.S. This is a link to a really great infographic about the average calories someone in a variety of countries consumes in a day (the results will surprise you, particularly considering that the diet industry is telling women that they should eat between 1200 and 1500 calories a day for the rest of their life) that I think everyone should look at and a lot of the comments are quite good as well.
First, eating. I'm convinced that I've been eating significantly less lately, since the spider bite (or there around). Let me tell you why, I didn't run out of food last week. In fact, I have about half of last week's food left, even staples like pasta and eggs and fruit and cheese.
You see, each week I only buy about as much food as I think I will eat for the next week (except for meat, which I buy two weeks' worth of, and things like olive oil and spices). So, if I'm eating about half of that in a week, that's a pretty significant decrease in food intake. I've also noticed that I'm tending toward eating only two real meals a day, with maybe a third small meal/snack.
Frankly, I'm not entirely sure why this is happening. It could be that my body is changing, it could be because I was sick. It could be because of the antibiotics, or maybe the topamax. But here's the thing, the bite is almost entirely healed, I haven't taken the antibiotics in two days, and I haven't taken the topamax in 4 or 5 (which is more days than I took it).
So, is the lack of appetite the left over meds in my system, or the left over toxins or just a change in my own body?
I don't know.
Part of me is happy about this. The upside is that I'm not hungry as often. Not being hungry is nice as being hungry is unpleasant. Also, if this persists it means I might actually be able to keep within my food budget when I move. That's a nice prospect.
Part of me is uncomfortable with this. First, your body needs food to provide itself with vitamins and nutrients, if you're not eating much, you're not getting those important vitamins and nutrients. Second, I hope I've made this clear in previous posts, but I think that our culture/country's obsession with cutting calories is absolute bullshit. In fact, I think that cutting calories can cause the metabolism to slow and can cause malnutrition. I believe that it's our intake of "artificial" foods and specifically of processed sweeteners (both caloric and non-caloric) that have cause the "obesity epidemic." I think that the entire "obesity epidemic" campaign is a giant fucking red herring to redirect blame at the subjects suffering rather than at the businesses and policies that support produce and peddle and distribute the products causing the suffering.
Additionally, and especially, I believe that if you are physically active, exercise regularly, get enough sleep, love yourself, are socially proactive, as psychologically healthy as you are presently able to be, practice stress reduction techniques, and eat a diet largely free of processed foods and sweeteners than you are healthy. Healthy and beautiful. And you have a right to live in light of that knowledge. It doesn't matter what weight you are. If you're living like that and your weight drops, great, if your weight stays the same, great, if you weight goes up, great (maybe you're building muscle, maybe you were too skinny). I think that body-hatred and self-hatred is far more destructive to a life than extra weight is to health.
Soooooooo, when I look at my own body and see that I went 10 hours without eating on Saturday and was fine with it, I'm not sure I'm fine with it, but it's definitely keeping costs down.
P.S. This is a link to a really great infographic about the average calories someone in a variety of countries consumes in a day (the results will surprise you, particularly considering that the diet industry is telling women that they should eat between 1200 and 1500 calories a day for the rest of their life) that I think everyone should look at and a lot of the comments are quite good as well.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
5/12 Garden Update
My garden is doing quite well.
Yesterday I weeded the entire thing. It took me about six hours but it really was alright. There were quite a few clouds so I didn't get sunburned but it was cool and it didn't rain. It wasn't heavy labor that might trigger an itching episode from the last of the venom in my system but it was physical and relaxing. I can't imagine many other ways I would have enjoyed more than spending my day like I did.
Here is my garden. I don't know if you can see but a little over half the plants are starting to outgrow their containers. I intend to switch to 2 liter bottles when they get larger and begin to harden them off as they reach the tops of the 2 liters before removing them completely and moving the container to a different plant that has outgrown is smaller container. I also transplanted some of the last of my broccoli. I know, so very late, too late, but we'll see. The broccoli that's in my garden seems very stunted, and those are the ones that survived at all. I may not get any broccoli this year, but at least I gave it my best. I also put out a couple more kale and (re)planted carrots. This time I will make sure to cover them before pests can get to them (I have four out of about 20 growing from my last attempt). Other than that, reading the growing instructions on bell peppers was daunting. I think I will hoe out an area near the fence around the end of may and see if they'll grow there.
.jpg)
I picked two pea pods and ate them yesterday. They were quite tasty. and my pea plants seem to be doing pretty well, even if they are kind of short, and some of the ground planted ones seem to have had more trouble with bugs (don't know why, it's just a few).
Here is my sage plant, which seems to be turning into a bush. I'm very happy with the results of wintering it.
Oh, and this is actually a picture of my largest spinach from last week (obviously, as the garden is filled with weeds and maple seeds). It's larger now, and I think in another week I will start clipping off leaves to use.
Finally, I wanted to give you an up-close of one of my lettuces. This was actually taken while I was thinning them. I made a nice salad out of what I thinned and each "container" (what's the word for it?) has only one plant now. I'm very happy with them thus far.
Finally, I planted zania seeds in the front yard near the tree and near the rocks in our "flower bed." Hopefully those will grow. If they do I have every intention of pesticiding them. I would like people who are not just my next-door-neighbor to know I take care of my home, and it would be a nice sort of pretty-but-silent farewell to the neighborhood before I move.
Yesterday I weeded the entire thing. It took me about six hours but it really was alright. There were quite a few clouds so I didn't get sunburned but it was cool and it didn't rain. It wasn't heavy labor that might trigger an itching episode from the last of the venom in my system but it was physical and relaxing. I can't imagine many other ways I would have enjoyed more than spending my day like I did.
Here is my garden. I don't know if you can see but a little over half the plants are starting to outgrow their containers. I intend to switch to 2 liter bottles when they get larger and begin to harden them off as they reach the tops of the 2 liters before removing them completely and moving the container to a different plant that has outgrown is smaller container. I also transplanted some of the last of my broccoli. I know, so very late, too late, but we'll see. The broccoli that's in my garden seems very stunted, and those are the ones that survived at all. I may not get any broccoli this year, but at least I gave it my best. I also put out a couple more kale and (re)planted carrots. This time I will make sure to cover them before pests can get to them (I have four out of about 20 growing from my last attempt). Other than that, reading the growing instructions on bell peppers was daunting. I think I will hoe out an area near the fence around the end of may and see if they'll grow there.
.jpg)
I picked two pea pods and ate them yesterday. They were quite tasty. and my pea plants seem to be doing pretty well, even if they are kind of short, and some of the ground planted ones seem to have had more trouble with bugs (don't know why, it's just a few).
Here is my sage plant, which seems to be turning into a bush. I'm very happy with the results of wintering it.
Oh, and this is actually a picture of my largest spinach from last week (obviously, as the garden is filled with weeds and maple seeds). It's larger now, and I think in another week I will start clipping off leaves to use.
Finally, I wanted to give you an up-close of one of my lettuces. This was actually taken while I was thinning them. I made a nice salad out of what I thinned and each "container" (what's the word for it?) has only one plant now. I'm very happy with them thus far.
Finally, I planted zania seeds in the front yard near the tree and near the rocks in our "flower bed." Hopefully those will grow. If they do I have every intention of pesticiding them. I would like people who are not just my next-door-neighbor to know I take care of my home, and it would be a nice sort of pretty-but-silent farewell to the neighborhood before I move.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Compost Pile and the Groundhog
I have a groundhog in my yard, if the giant wholes and my neighbor's sightings are anything to go by, which I think they are.
Additionally, I found some mighty big paw prints in my compost heap the last time I covered it in grass clippings (I'll take a picture next time, so you can see).
That being said; firstly, I don't know what I would do if I trapped it, I mean, really. Second, I can't very well fill in all the wholes as my neighbor says there's at least one in his shed. And, thirdly, another groundhog is likely to move in. So far it hasn't gone after my garden, and I had only a little garden trouble last year, and that was only when the pumpkin vine crept outside the fence.
He seems to have left my neighbor's garden in peace so far, even after a week without a fence.
Now, my compost heap. It really is a heap. A heap of biodegrading stuff at the back of my big back yard. I pile on grass clippings when I mow to keep the smell down as I learned last summer that it could be quite pungent.
Fast forward, I have a trashcan that is very old, and the bottom is mostly rotted out. I have a small hand saw and can saw off the rest of the bottom and could effectively turn my compost heap into a compost bin.
But, if the groundhog is satisfying himself (and his family?) by absconding with my rotted apples and leafless stalks of kale, is it a good idea to then "bin" his food source? Will he leave, or will he look elsewhere nearby for food? Say, the garden with the flimsy bird net fencing? or the neighbor's garden with no fencing at all?
If anyone does, in fact, read my blog, I'd love your input.
Additionally, I found some mighty big paw prints in my compost heap the last time I covered it in grass clippings (I'll take a picture next time, so you can see).
That being said; firstly, I don't know what I would do if I trapped it, I mean, really. Second, I can't very well fill in all the wholes as my neighbor says there's at least one in his shed. And, thirdly, another groundhog is likely to move in. So far it hasn't gone after my garden, and I had only a little garden trouble last year, and that was only when the pumpkin vine crept outside the fence.
He seems to have left my neighbor's garden in peace so far, even after a week without a fence.
Now, my compost heap. It really is a heap. A heap of biodegrading stuff at the back of my big back yard. I pile on grass clippings when I mow to keep the smell down as I learned last summer that it could be quite pungent.
Fast forward, I have a trashcan that is very old, and the bottom is mostly rotted out. I have a small hand saw and can saw off the rest of the bottom and could effectively turn my compost heap into a compost bin.
But, if the groundhog is satisfying himself (and his family?) by absconding with my rotted apples and leafless stalks of kale, is it a good idea to then "bin" his food source? Will he leave, or will he look elsewhere nearby for food? Say, the garden with the flimsy bird net fencing? or the neighbor's garden with no fencing at all?
If anyone does, in fact, read my blog, I'd love your input.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Update on the Bite and on Generic Bactrim
Generic Bactrim (Sulfa something):
As I said, the antibiotic I am taking is a generic for Bactrim and the side effects area a bitch. Weird crawly itchy but-not-quite-itchy feeling ping-ponging all over my body starting 1-2 hours after taking it and lasting for about 10 hours. Also, headache, and loss of appetite, and I can't sleep for hours after laying down. Additionally, an hour or so after taking it I feel like I've lose about a dozen IQ points, like there's cotton between my synapses rather than the proper chemicals. And thirsty. Very thirsty. And I'm very grumpy. I don't know if that's just from being driven mad by the weird itching or if it's mood changes. Also, there were some uncontrolled thoughts the first couple days which kind of freaked me out because that has not happened, at all, in more than two years.
Spider bite:
It has now been exactly 1 week since the spider bite and the spot still itches. That being said, the inflammation has finally started to go down so only the original bite site is really warm, the rest of the ring (it got to about 3.5 inches at its largest diameter) is slightly warmer than the rest of my arm but over the last 18 or so hours has mostly returned to normal skin color. The center is still bright red. Did I mention it still itched? And my whole forearm is still tender to push on. I was also given a topical steroid which I think helped a lot with the inflammation and the joint aches in my elbow, shoulder, hands, and hips has gone away. Yesterday I was experiencing some muscle weakness in my arms, and trembling in my hands, but I don't know if that was from the antibiotic or left over effects from the spider venom. I'm prone to thinking it was the antibiotic. I am also prone to think the bite was from a brown recluse. Some time this week the cat will be spending a day outside and I will take the hamster with me and the house is getting bug bombed.
Additionally, I think I may have developed spider-sense because I was on my computer today and out of the corner of my eye saw movement on our brown and beige spotted carpet (I think they make carpets this color so you don't have to vacuum as often, it always looks dirty no matter what) and turned and smashed an orange/brown spider about the size of a nickle running across the carpet toward me. How did I even see that thing? Thank goodness, my reptile brain still seems to be intact. ;-)
As I said, the antibiotic I am taking is a generic for Bactrim and the side effects area a bitch. Weird crawly itchy but-not-quite-itchy feeling ping-ponging all over my body starting 1-2 hours after taking it and lasting for about 10 hours. Also, headache, and loss of appetite, and I can't sleep for hours after laying down. Additionally, an hour or so after taking it I feel like I've lose about a dozen IQ points, like there's cotton between my synapses rather than the proper chemicals. And thirsty. Very thirsty. And I'm very grumpy. I don't know if that's just from being driven mad by the weird itching or if it's mood changes. Also, there were some uncontrolled thoughts the first couple days which kind of freaked me out because that has not happened, at all, in more than two years.
Spider bite:
It has now been exactly 1 week since the spider bite and the spot still itches. That being said, the inflammation has finally started to go down so only the original bite site is really warm, the rest of the ring (it got to about 3.5 inches at its largest diameter) is slightly warmer than the rest of my arm but over the last 18 or so hours has mostly returned to normal skin color. The center is still bright red. Did I mention it still itched? And my whole forearm is still tender to push on. I was also given a topical steroid which I think helped a lot with the inflammation and the joint aches in my elbow, shoulder, hands, and hips has gone away. Yesterday I was experiencing some muscle weakness in my arms, and trembling in my hands, but I don't know if that was from the antibiotic or left over effects from the spider venom. I'm prone to thinking it was the antibiotic. I am also prone to think the bite was from a brown recluse. Some time this week the cat will be spending a day outside and I will take the hamster with me and the house is getting bug bombed.
.jpg) |
| This is a picture taken on day 7 or 8. The diameter of the bite spread a just a little beyond the furthest marker line before it finally began to retreat. |
Additionally, I think I may have developed spider-sense because I was on my computer today and out of the corner of my eye saw movement on our brown and beige spotted carpet (I think they make carpets this color so you don't have to vacuum as often, it always looks dirty no matter what) and turned and smashed an orange/brown spider about the size of a nickle running across the carpet toward me. How did I even see that thing? Thank goodness, my reptile brain still seems to be intact. ;-)
Monday, May 6, 2013
Bug Bite getting Bigger?
Yeah,
The, uh, bite on my arm is getting bigger.
It's measuring exactly two inches by two inches and is now touching the crease of my elbow. The entire red area itches or alternately tingles and my shoulder and forearm feel sore though I'm not sure if that is real pain, pain from nursing the arm or psychosomatic.
I took another antibiotic, not amoxicillin anymore, they changed it to sulfamethoxazole. One at 4:45 and now one at 10 pm. The next one when I wake up and my appointment is at 10:45. I also took two more benadryl as the nurse practitioner who saw me suggested I not take more than that.
I have also drawn another series of dashes around the red area as the other ones I drew have rubbed off. Sharpies are not what they used to be.
I took my temperature, it was 98.6. which is 1 degree above my healthy normal but nothing serious.
At the clinic today the woman who saw me pushed on the bite quite a lot and said it looked like a bite that had gotten slightly infected. She tried to get it to drain some. She said tomorrow it would either be much better or much worse.
Why does being healthy not keep one from infection and/or toxin?
The, uh, bite on my arm is getting bigger.
It's measuring exactly two inches by two inches and is now touching the crease of my elbow. The entire red area itches or alternately tingles and my shoulder and forearm feel sore though I'm not sure if that is real pain, pain from nursing the arm or psychosomatic.
I took another antibiotic, not amoxicillin anymore, they changed it to sulfamethoxazole. One at 4:45 and now one at 10 pm. The next one when I wake up and my appointment is at 10:45. I also took two more benadryl as the nurse practitioner who saw me suggested I not take more than that.
I have also drawn another series of dashes around the red area as the other ones I drew have rubbed off. Sharpies are not what they used to be.
I took my temperature, it was 98.6. which is 1 degree above my healthy normal but nothing serious.
At the clinic today the woman who saw me pushed on the bite quite a lot and said it looked like a bite that had gotten slightly infected. She tried to get it to drain some. She said tomorrow it would either be much better or much worse.
Why does being healthy not keep one from infection and/or toxin?
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Now I Have Energy?
I just finished working out; I have more energy than I've had all day.
I'm not sure if that's just the "runner's high" or if the tiredness was/is...I don't even know but I'm definitely going to try working out when I wake up tomorrow morning/afternoon (I say that because of all the meds I just took, they make knock me out quite soundly). If it works and keeps me awake and sound of mind, wonderful. If it wears off and I'm exhausted and have to pull myself through work I'll know it was temporary.
I'm not sure if that's just the "runner's high" or if the tiredness was/is...I don't even know but I'm definitely going to try working out when I wake up tomorrow morning/afternoon (I say that because of all the meds I just took, they make knock me out quite soundly). If it works and keeps me awake and sound of mind, wonderful. If it wears off and I'm exhausted and have to pull myself through work I'll know it was temporary.
Sick and or; a Health Update
Well, I've been having problems with tiredness and headaches and feelings of pressure in my face so I went to the doctor on Wednesday (Thursday? Wednesday? Gosh, I can't remember). I also talked to her about my migraines and asked if I might get some Topamax as it had helped me previously and helped my mom. She voiced some concern about the Topamax as I only get migraines a few times a month so I didn't think she'd written me a prescription for it, but when I got to the pharmacy she had. She also said I might have a sinus infection (or the allergies this year are going to kill me. Really, I have been eating raw, very local, honey for a year, has it not helped at all?) so I got antibiotics. She prescribed some nasal spray which I didn't buy because it was $30. O.o No, not paying that much for a bloody nasal spray. I have a saline spray I can use.
Then on Friday night I noticed a bite on my arm (my father, who used to be an RN, says it looks like a spider bite). It was pretty itchy by Saturday so I took two Benadryl last night.
So, to recap, last night was Amoxicillin, Benadryl, Topamax. Today the bite is bigger and itchier. I now have a circle drawn around it. It doesn't seem to be responding like cellulitis (heat is making it much much worse, not better) so I hope it isn't. I feel like my head is on a balloon. Very very dizzy and disoriented, but no fever.
My arm itches, and itches like mad if I start to move much.
Trying to make it to 8 pm before I got back to bed.
Then on Friday night I noticed a bite on my arm (my father, who used to be an RN, says it looks like a spider bite). It was pretty itchy by Saturday so I took two Benadryl last night.
So, to recap, last night was Amoxicillin, Benadryl, Topamax. Today the bite is bigger and itchier. I now have a circle drawn around it. It doesn't seem to be responding like cellulitis (heat is making it much much worse, not better) so I hope it isn't. I feel like my head is on a balloon. Very very dizzy and disoriented, but no fever.
My arm itches, and itches like mad if I start to move much.
Trying to make it to 8 pm before I got back to bed.
.jpg) |
| This is what the bite had become by day 3 |
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