My Breakfast

I'd like to mention my breakfasts, because I think they'll surprise you. Well, they may surprise you.

Before I do that I want to say that I eat a hearty breakfast, (brunch? I'm trying to wake up earlier but since I work in the evenings and have class in the afternoon I tend to wake up around 10), but I find it very difficult to eat 2000 calories in one day when I'm not including things with sweeteners. I've done a little math and figure that usually I'm eating between 1400 and 1800 calories a day. This is way down from the average of 2500 that I was eating a day when I wasn't on the sweetener fast.

Usually I have a piece or two of toast. But, toast, you say, has sugar in it! Most bread does, yes, but I eat Ezekiel bread. Not that I think Ezekiel bread is holy. I don't, I think that whole "we're making Bible bread" speil is horse hockey, but it is probably about the healthiest bread you can eat AND it has no sugar or sugar substitutes. They use malted barley (like in beer) to feed the yeast and all the grains are sprouted.

If I am hungry I will fry two eggs (cage free, antibiotic free, hormone free, vegetarian fed. Can't afford humane certified. $6.99 is too much for 12 eggs), and will probably add a little (like, no more than 1 serving) of shredded cheese and a hearty fist full of spinach to the eggs when I'm cooking them. If my stomach is upset I will also add basil. Olive oil butter on the toast and maybe a tiny bit of honey in the center for a little flavor treat. Water, or a cup (not a glass, a cup, 8 oz=1 cup) orange juice, or a cup of milk, or coffee. Maybe, but rarely, all of them. Also, a banana and maybe a second banana or an apple. I know, omg, I just ate so much! You can't hear it from where you're sitting but my tummy will be sending me happy vibes for an hour.

And after that, I won't feel hungry for four or five hours. Yay!

My smallest breakfast consists of a cup of milk, some water, a piece of toast with butter and honey on it, and a banana. The toast may or may not have nuts or coconut butter on it. This is my rushed day breakfast which I usually eat in the car because I woke up at 9:30 and it's my one day a week that I have  class at 10 a.m.

On really really bad days I will stop by Heine Bros. and get a medium latte (no sugar, no whipped cream, no honey) and an organic banana. All coffee from Heine Bros. is fair trade, organic, locally ground, and they're hardly any more expensive than Starbucks. In addition you get to feel like you're not ruining the world with your love of coffee, and you get to help a local business, and you don't have to try and remember what the heck "venti" means.

So, that's breakfast, or somewhere between those first two options is breakfast. I think it's pretty awesome, and for all the bajillion calories I'm consuming at breakfast, my body seems pretty happy with it.

p.s. lunch and dinner are notably smaller, unless I was busy and skipped lunch completely and I'm starving and ready to go zombie on somebody.

Lent Almost Over

Lent is almost over, but I'm not ready to end this fast. I'm ready to make it a lifestyle. As it is, I feel healthier, and if nothing else I feel more confident about my health. I also think I have more energy over all.

It doesn't hurt that since January 5th I have lost at least 12 pounds. I think it's probably more than that but I was waiting until the scale said I'd lost at least 10 pounds for two days in a row and then I was  going to throw out my scale (because health, not weight is my goal). The scale did this; it showed between 8 and 9.8 lbs lost for about a week, and then one day 11, and the next 12. Sooooo no more scale. I feel as though my pants have been getting looser, which I hadn't felt at all before. I assume this means I may have lost a little more.

Also, my hormones seem...better. My sister has a period every 21 days, which sucks, and my period had begun to follow hers, which sucked. Now mine is late (but I can feel it's going to start soon) and has almost reset itself. Yay!

Also, I did break fast once, (I had a cupcake at a dinner party) and had pretty awful stomach pain the next day. Not cool.

So, what I want to do is continue this; not eating any sweeteners except the occasional raw honey, eating less pasta/grain, and working out a few days a week/being active every day, for the foreseeable future. After Lent I will make the caveat that if I'm at a party or social function I will allow a little sugared food (e.g. the aforementioned cupcake) so as not to be rude, but will continue on with my no-sweetener ways.

I'd be lying if I said I don't hope to get a little smaller, but that is not my goal. My goals is the confidence that I am healthy.

I'm excited.

There is no Wagon and you Cannot Care for a Thing you Hate

I'd like to start by pointing out that in the last post I was very frustrated and very down on myself but that any kind of self-damaging behavior was not and is not an option.

That said, a lot has changed. 

My weight went up.

And up.

And up.

I didn't like how I was feeling. But, I was very concerned about psychological effects of any weight loss efforts. See, when I looked at dieting and exercising it seemed to have a very similar mentality to self-injury. It was trying to punish and deprive the disgusting worthless fat part out of me. And, I knew that this attitude was COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. This is not how you condition any living organism. You cannot create a desired behavior through punishment, not ever. Unless the desired behavior is anger, fear, and learned helplessness. Which is exactly what our society is doing. So, I made an effort to start loving myself, and loving my body, and combating the feeling that I needed to hide until I was thin, that I needed to wait to start my life until I was thin. Because, here's the thing, you cannot take care of a thing you hate. We teach all girls at a young age to hate their bodies, to hate their bodies so much...that they take care of it? No. They don't. I think it's a fair measure to say that even most of the "normal weight" and "thin" girls are not taking care of their bodies. I tried to start seeing my body as good. Because I have to love myself as I am. 

I decided it didn't matter if I lost weight. I was going to be healthy. If my body wanted to be healthy at whatever weight it was, then I would learn to love it.

I bought a stair machine. Because I love my body. And I like the feeling of running up stairs two at a time, and I missed being able to do that.

And Lent began. I've gone off all sweeteners but raw local honey (again). And, of course, the honey is not meant to replace all the sweeteners I'm not eating, but to be a special treat on top of a toast or in a coffee. I'm fasting from sweeteners for two reasons; 1. Because it isn't easy, so whenever I want a sweet I am reminded of the suffering of Christ, how he sacrificed for me. And, 2. Because it's GOOD FOR ME. Did you know that almost everything has sugar (and if not sugar than a sweetener) in it? Yeah, I mean that literally. That bread? Sugar. No sugar added? That's 'cuz they added Splenda. Those crackers? High fructose corn syrup. Those potato chips? Sugar. That frozen diet dinner? Sugar, and a ton of salt. Those frozen veggies with butter/cheese? Sugar. That yogurt cup? Sugar or splenda. That soy milk? Sugar....eeeevvvvrrryyyyttthhhiiinnnggg. I've watched a lot of videos on healthy eating and have come to a few conclusions; Whole food is better, organic is better still, veggies are way under suggested and sugar is bad for you (with the exception of fruit and the occasional teaspoon of honey). I love my body and I love God, so I gave up sweeteners. 

My weight has come down some. About 10 pounds. It's still high. And that's okay. I'm going to throw out my scale now. Because my scale doesn't get to determine my value or my health. 

I've started my garden, it's more than twice the size it was last year. I do pottery. I do sculpting. I use my stair machine every day. I don't watch television. I'm considering continuing my "fast" after Lent ends. I love going to parks and walking. I've been accepted into grad school. I am of sound mind and sound body. I have no time for things like scales. Life is calling to me. 

That thing I can't get over

When I think about how men I knew in South Korea, or men I dated, wouldn't even glance at me now because of my weight gain in the US, when I think about how I would be stopped in the street and told to loose weight if I was still there, when I think of all the ways society through every sensationalized picture and article derides me for my weight...

There aren't many times anymore that cutting seems like a viable option. I'm pretty much totally against willful self-injury this far out. But, when I think of all those things, I want to take a sharp knife and cut into myself, cut down too the muscle on my arms and legs, stomach, face and back. I want cut until the ugly is cut out of me, because surely being covered in scars is far better than being fat.

*deep sigh*

I've lost weight several times, (hiking often, watching what I eat, doing weights, and running regularly, often for two hours a day, for over a year) down into the 160s, which is still roughly 15 pounds above the max weight I should be at my height and 20 to 30 above what they'd like me to be. So, please explain to me what the fucking point is? I loose weight, work my ass off, forgo relationships just to work out because it requires SO MUCH TIME, embarrass myself at the gym six days a week, by being surrounded by people smaller than me, who look at me with amusement or disgust, only to STILL BE A FAILURE. I mean, really, that's the reality, society says, if you're not a "normal weight" than you're a failure. If you didn't get there than you're actively choosing to be ugly/unhealthy/unattractive/undesirable/worthy of punishment and derision. Don't worry, I got that message loud and fucking clear. Maybe I should have been working out  3 hours a day. Maybe I should have quit my job and just worked out. Maybe I should quit school and quit eating, because I certainly can't work run and do weights two hours a day, eat 1200 calories, and then try to make A's or work (I tried, I would get dizzy and brainless and weak about half way through the day, trembling, tripping, sometimes unable to stand I felt so weak, and I stank). At that point my brain is only capable of the simple math required to count and recount and fucking recount all the calories I've eaten, always rounding up so I don't "underestimate" the calories in something.

I would love to be acceptable in the eyes of others. That's really what it boils down to; the thing I'm incapable of achieving, the thing I can't get over.

I would like to go to a nutritionist for someone to help me make a plan and keep me accountable, and advocate to help me see extreme healthiness as a reward rather than a punishment, but when I think about it I have panic attacks imagining how she/he will tell me I'm killing myself and poke me rudely and and treat me with disgust (this, has, in fact, happened before, so I'm not just imagining some impossible scenario).

Mostly, self-injury doesn't seem like an option, but when I think of those things, it feels like the only one.

This Constitutes That

I guess it's been about a week and a half since I did interval stuff, but I mowed the lawn yesterday and did a lot of potting and digging in my garden, and worked on the back yard. All together it took hours. I was so sore when I laid down last night. I'm counting that as my work out.

I'm trying to grow healthy food. I bought compost yesterday which I'm hoping will work as soil, though I'm concerned that it's holding onto too much moisture. If the plants don't sprout in the next week I'll get top soil and mix it in to ensure that it drains properly. Actually, I think I'll do that anyway, because squash is susceptible to root rot (I would know, it happened in my last garden).

I am also trying to eat healthy food/smaller portions again. But I will not spend my life hungry.

I am hoping to wake up bright an early tomorrow morning and see just how much damage was done by my hiatus. I will try 90 second breaks. I expect to look like someone who's having a heart attack when I'm done.

My sister said to me "it's good you don't care what people think of how you look when you work out." Yeah, I'm fairly sure that was a backhanded compliment, but I'll take it!

Cycle

Period should be over tomorrow. I hope.
Walked for an obscene distance, considering I was in chucks and jeans, two days ago with a very thin friend (acquaintance?) who I think triggered my weight stereotype threat.

Also, I went running the day after I fell.

I've been kind of active kind not depending on the day with my cycle on, and it was five days late, so that was five days of cramping and weighting and thinking it would start any minute only to find out that I could have worked out that day.

NOT going to talk about the weight.

Hopefully will begin running again this week, Tuesday if not tomorrow.

Quinoa went bad in the fridge, turned slimy and purplish.

That's all

Waiting

So, four days ago I began to cramp so I stopped with the running to let myself have my period.

Four days ago. Still no period.

But, lots of cramps, increased moodiness, anxiety, hunger.

Weighed on the scale. Surely I haven't gained 10 lbs in the 3 weeks of exercising...

Sore, tired, did I mention moody. And no period.

Perhaps it will skip this month and I will have missed a week of working out for nothing.

Perhaps if I start running again it will start, just to spite me.

I definitely have more muscle and less flab.

My face has also broken out.

This week could be worse. I could have a toothache, or a UTI, or ingrown hairs, or the flu.

I also smell bad.

I miss working out.

BUT, I have painted.

Ouch

I feel like I've been beat up and I haven't even gone to sleep yet.
Boy am I hoping for a miraculous recovery!

Take a Fall

Went and worked out again today.
It was pretty good for the most part. I made an endeavor to cut out the extended rests between my first and second sets of five (or cycles, as I do the things in cycles of five; two sets of side hopping-one on the left side and one on the right, one set of knee highs-like in soccer, and butt kicks-also like in soccer, and one of running). The final the cycle is mostly running.

It was pretty hot this morning, but I was at the track by, gosh, 8:30? It was pretty clear, because clearly only crazy people work out in this heat. I was feeling energized, and then about half way through my workout...

I tripped.

I splatted.

I think I bounced.

I laid there for a second assessing myself internally, making sure I hadn't broken or torn anything, then I got back up with a few bruises and a slightly bruised ego (lucky, that thing about there not being many people on the track this morning really worked in my favor) and finished my workout, albeit at a slightly gentler pace.

I also made sure to stretch extra well at the end.

And then, made a chiropractic appointment.

I'm still a bit sore but the chiropractor helped, I'm sure, and he also taught me an exercise to do to decrease shin splints. I told him about mine and since they're not getting worse he said that it's probably all just taking time healing from that first time I hurt them by wearing worn out shoes.

I have also begun to eat coconut oil. I'm trying to do that 1-2 tbsp a day thing (I hope it's not teaspoons...)

I also put it in my hair and am trying it on my skin. I'm convinced it made the skin on my face nicer. I hope to work out again tomorrow morning because I expect my cycle to start sometime between Friday and Sunday and I don't want to be surprised on the track by it because I didn't workout when I should have.

I'm thinking I'll have to take some pain killers though. Bodies do not like splatting on pavement, even if you're a tough-as-nails chick like me, haha.

Shins

My shins do not hurt today, they feel a little stiff if anything.  My shoulder hurts a little.

I am. So confused.

I'm still trying to figure out if the pain was from that original workout in my old warn out shoes (because that's when the pain started and was at its worse) or if I'm overpronating in the shoes I'm in. I'm not sure if I can actively try to NOT overpronate or if that will help. I don't know if the shoes I have are continuing the problem started by my old shoes and that I might need additional arch support. I hate to go out and spend money before I know I need to, esp when the insoles on my shoes are so comfy.

It was difficult to refrain from working out today, but the cat keeping me up with hollering until about 1 a.m. helped solidify my resolve to stay in bed.

Also, my sister was very sore after working out with me. I was sad for her but happy for me.