In DC Now

I moved!

And, I now weigh 169  lbs.

Don't have internet so I will post more when I do.

Krav Maga Worries

So,

All this time I have been planning to start training in Krav Maga when I move. I looked up the fighting styles, I watched examples of classes. It seems like a very effective and practical style of self defense, not a lot of dancing or rhetoric.

At first my father seemed adamant that I couldn't do it. He warned me that all martial arts were simply ways of learning how to handle being punched. This left visions in my head of me standing unmoving at attention while an instructor punched me in the stomach.

This wasn't what the training videos showed, so I decided that whatever he was trying to scare me out of was incorrect. Besides, I've taken blows from car airbags and from heads run into my face at full force, I've pushed off overly aggressive men, and I've solidly brained myself man times. I can take a hit, and I've already established that pain...has less of an effect on me than it does other women (probably due to the self-injury in my past, or perhaps it's the other way around, I'll never know).

This was all fine and good.

My father has switched tactics. He now seems rather excited that I'll do Krav Maga. He now seems to suggest I'll become like him, and that I'll become "bad ass." I don't want to become like him and I don't want to become bad ass. I don't want Krav Maga or self defense to become my life. I don't want to be paranoid. I don't want to scan every room, shout at anyone who stands behind my line of sight, and always have to stand or sit facing a door. I just want to be aware, confident that if trouble brings itself to me that I can handle it, that I don't need a protector who won't be there anyway. There are very few protectors in this world, far too few to go around, I have to be my own protector. That's all I want from this. Just to be able to protect myself if I need it. I don't want to become my own bloody secret service body guard. I don't want to find myself suddenly talking about how the country is falling apart and civilians are all naive pussies and it's totally okay to say you want to stab someone in the eye with a pencil as a way to express irritation. I've spent my whole life trying NOT to be that kind of person.

But mostly I ignore it, because if I haven't become that person yet, why would I think that I could?

And then there's my present worry, and frankly, the most frightening. I read a blog by a woman who had been taking Krav Maga for a year. She cites becoming paranoid, trusting people less (is it possible for me to become less trusting? Is that a likelihood? I know that I already have HUGE trust issues, big enough they hinder relationships) and being choked to the point of being unable to breath during stress drills. It's that last part that's the biggest problem. I know my father regrets it, and I don't have problems with my throat being touched anymore, but just reading about being choked and I feel myself reverting to a frightened eight year old. I know that if I'm thrown into that situation without considerable psychological fortitude on my part I will regress, not only will I regress but I will relive the events that caused the issue in the first place and unless whoever is choking me is able to recognize someone in the midst of an abuse flashback I could well end up coming to severe harm because I won't fight back. That's what I'm afraid of, that I won't fight back, because I couldn't back then and that I'll suddenly be in need of weekly counseling to work through (yet AGAIN) the fear and pain and paranoia and sense of being completely unsafe and without defense that I've spent my whole life trying to shuck off, and that it will have a detrimental effect on my grades.

If taking Krav Maga makes me safe but stops me from becoming a therapist, it's not worth it.

Slight Change in Workout Plans

My stair machine broke four days ago. I was using it and I heard a popping sound, and then a few more popping sounds, and my feet both dropped to the bar. the cord that held the pully had snapped. I think I have a warranty that I bought somewhere in a box or file around here. I need to find it so Wal-Mart can replace this thing. Unless, of course, they consider using the stair machine as voiding the warranty. I am sure it has never been dropped or kicked or used for any reason other than its purpose.

Either way, my workouts have been moved out doors in the past few days. I'm now doing strength training entirely independently of cardio, because I don't have the stamina to run every day and not get too sore to move after a few days. I've been running every other day, which is miserable and reminds me why I got the stair machine in the first place, but effective none-the-less.

I've been doing running in intervals. The first work out was 10 two-minute runs with 1 minute of rest in between. It was a cool day and I was booking it; an 11 minute mile when three of those minutes were walking. The next time I ran I was eager to see if I could run at that speed without the rests. I can't. Even at 10 in the morning it had already gotten into the 80s and was shockingly muggy. In addition I was still dealing with soreness from the previous run and the allergies are ridiculous. I ran 1.2 miles (1 lap at the park) in 13.5 minutes with a significant slow down in the last 0.2 miles where the heat got to me and I was feeling my toast and egg breakfast start to come back up. It was all I could do to finish the lap. I'm disappointed, but I don't suppose I should be since I haven't run at all in 8 months and it was very hot and humid and I'm sure that the constant stream of snot running down my throat and out of my nose to blend with the sweat dripping off me didn't help in the slightest. I finished out the workout with intervals or running again.

I think I could make a 10 minute mile if the morning was nice and all I had to run was a mile and I'd had a light breakfast (eg. an apple and a piece of toast and tea with no milk).

Breathing has been fine both times, no gasping, no short quick breaths. I wonder if I could loosen the control on my breathing, if that would speed me up or slow me down.

That being said; neither workout was fun. I don't like running. It's not relaxing or soothing. It does not make me feel happy or refreshed or successful. It's only meditative in the sense of forcing yourself to focus on a single thing.

I suppose I should be happy that I can run a mile, or even 1.2 miles, since most people can't.

It occurs to me that when I returned from my first stint in Korea I could run three laps at this park without much trouble. And compared to that my present running ability and run time isn't great. But...when I look back at myself during that time...I had few friends, no confidence, I was often distressed, I felt like I had to workout had to run had to be beautiful through health. I just...wouldn't go back to that place for the life of me. Maybe I can't run 3.6 miles anymore, but I'll be damned if I'm not far happier with myself now and in a much better place than I ever was then.

. . .

I need to find that warranty.

I should have known; migraines, insomnia, and bug bites

Well, I weighed myself yesterday and I was 176.6, so that's always pleasant.

I can't help but wonder; if I ever get to 154, what's that freak out going to look like? Like, I would have to resynthesize a ...fair portion of my identity. Or, weirder yet, I would have to resynthesize  almost none of my identity despite previous expectations that I would.

Then, I was treating the bites on my legs and they actually got better soooo WOO-HOO. No doctor visits for me!

Tinnitus today. Migraine yesterday. I can hardly remember Saturday except that I didn't fall asleep until about 4:30 am on Sunday morning; I'm guessing I had an aura and didn't realize it. Actually, I should have guessed on Friday when my pupils were different sizes.

I woke up at 8 am today, which was great, despite the cat tormenting me last night.

Trying to drink lots of water, that merely seems to result in me peeing a lot.

Again?!!! Cincha!

I have another spider bite that is growing. I got it two days ago while talking to my neighbor in the backyard. I noticed some itching on my legs while we were talking and when I got in I had two bites in almost identical spots under my jeans and about ten mosquito bites on my exposed arms. The mosquito bites calmed down quickly, the bites on my legs didn't.

They didn't  itch as much this time, but I woke in the middle of night when I scratched open the one on my left thigh. That's the one that's getting worse. It now has a fat (1 to 1 and a half inch) pink ring around it. I've been putting triple antibiotic cream on both of them at night, and the steroid cream on them during the day. It seems to be helping the one on the right, not doing much/anything for the one on the left.

This time you can see two individual bites on the left one. So, hey, confirmation of a spider.

I'll wait it out until Monday, it won't have killed me by Monday, and then I'll go into the clinic.

Joy.   -_-

I hate spider bites.

Why me?

I just Discovered an Amazing Website!

It's called Beauty Redefined, and you should really really take a look.

Sugar me Surprised

Apparently the average person in the US consumes 90 pounds of added sugars a year.

So, I thought, how much do I consume? Well, I go through 12 oz of organic local raw honey about every 2 weeks. So, I did the math, and then I added some for the weekly outings with a sweet roll, or the monthly/bimontly cake, pie, or ice cream, and a bit more for holidays.

22%

Let's say I underestimated how much sugar is consumed at these outings and on holidays and up it to 25%

That still means I'm consuming 1/4 of the added sugars the average American is, and 1/4 the added sugars people were consuming in 1985.

Holy crap, that's a lot of sugar!

Some Things I've Learned About my Body

You know, every body is different, everyone is different, but every body is a little different, too.

As I go on this journey of body and food and health, I'm learning things about my body and I'm learning to accept things about my body. Here are some things about my body, they are okay, they aren't bad, some people will share each of these things, some won't. They are part of what make me unique and make my body mine.

• I have thick legs. From big thighs to big knees to big ankles, my body keeps width and breadth and fat in my legs more than anywhere else. My thighs will always touch, and my calves will always be big. But in addition to being large, my legs have a great capacity for muscle. I remember being on crew and having nearly the most powerful legs on the team, and now as yesterday I did 40 squats, 30 calf raises, and 30 lunges yesterday along with an hour of cardio and hardly a groan or whimper from my legs today I'm reminded that my legs are strong; they are get-me-places legs. I used to hate my legs, but now I think that it's very unfortunate that I had such a limited idea of beauty that it would even cause me to turn against myself.
• My ribs are wide from the front view and narrow from the side. This is sort of the opposite of what I expected or wanted when I was younger. There are only a few inches between my hips and ribs in my  waist so when I get smaller a lot of the smaller happens from the profile view, it makes my waist-to-hip ratio from the profile look to be about 60% where from the front it looks to be about 80%. Really, this is just how different bodies are. Would I be so bound to societaly approved idea of Caucasian beauty that, like the Victorians, I'd have my floating rib removed to make my waist look smaller from the front view? I'm ashamed to say that in my early 20s I would have considered it. Now, no, I wouldn't. 
• I have wide shoulders. 

Lemons and Fruit Water

I've decided to try and add more lemon to my diet. It doesn't seem difficult at all and I've read a lot about the benefits of lemon.
It became really apparent to me today that I could do this easily because I'd made a pitcher of lemon water. I can't remember if I blogged about fruit water but it's something I've been trying this summer; making fruit waters (last summer I tried making your own fruit popsicles, which were nice but required  a lot of cleaning and blending. I'd probably enjoy it more this year but I'm not really feeling it). I know the blogs I read talked about eating the fruit after the water was gone but I've found the fruit has gone sort of soft and flavorless by the time the water is gone so it just goes the compost. Some of them were good, like the melon water, others haven't been so good. Yesterday I chopped up a skinned lemon and half a skinned lime and tossed it in to make lemon water.

It's delicious.

Like, shockingly delicious.

I may drink the whole pitcher tonight.

Lemons aren't very expensive. Thus, Yay! I have found a way to incorporate more lemons into my diet.

P.S. The reason I don't use lemon juice is because a lot of the lemon juices have added sugars or flavorings or preservatives. It just seems better to use the real thing, you know?

Regular Lunch

Hey folks. I wanted to show you guys what I would normally eat for lunch, or, say, my second meal of the day (which can really happen any time between 11 and 6).

Here we have a plate with a serving of salmon. I might switch this up salmon, talapia, chicken, beef, eggs if I'm feeling really lazy, nuts and Greek yogurt if I'm feeling really really lazy...

Also, we have about two servings of pasta. After I took the picture I added half a tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil, organic cayenne powder, organic paprika, Parmesan cheese, and three chopped basil leaves. That's pretty normal for me though usually I'll add garlic instead of cayenne. I felt spicy today.

The veggies are one large sauteed mushroom and the other half of the giant zucchini I got from my garden a few days ago. To them I added garlic and pepper and a pinch of salt (1/6 of a teaspoon), and sauteed them in a tablespoon of olive oil. And, because I felt like it, though I don't do this every day, I shredded a little mozzarella over the top.

Then I proceeded to eat only half the plate before I was stuffed and put the rest in the fridge for dinner. Ah well.

Garden Update with Pictures! 6/27

My Garden in June.

The entire thing, taken from standing on a stool.

my oregano is doing beautifully

cayenne pepper

My garden extension, 4 kale plants and a tomato

Basil. I have 24 basil plants

watermelon flowers, I do have a small watermelon started

New endive since the first ones are going to seed

Cucumbers are growing

an areal shot of the sage 

The replanted thyme. It's coming back quite well and I presently have cuttings of thyme
sage, and rosemary all in glasses, hoping they take.

tomatoes!

My chard is doing very well

Dinosaur kale, which I always confuse and call dragon kale.

Regular kale. I see why it's more popular, it's not as
tough

broccoli, hasn't made a head but the leaves are pretty good. I learned last week
that the broccoli of a friend down the road has only made one head
and most of his plants are MUCH smaller than mine.

More tomatoes!

I know I planted a Mexican zucchini and something; I think it's pumpkin...

Wonderful lettuce among the Russian kale

Zucchinis!

Exercise

Yesterday I did use the 8 lb weights when I was on the stair machine. That was good as I started sweating after about 9 minutes and continued to the entire 45 minutes.

I still used the 5 lb weights for the exercises, I admit I'm a little concerned about the extra 6 pounds doing damage to my weak spot. Did the 40 squats and 30 calf raises. I feel a little tender in my shoulders, probably from holding the 8 lb weights plus the normal shoulder exercises but not sore at all in my legs.

I held the plank pose both front and on each side for 3 sets of 40 second each. 2 minutes in total. I also did 2 sets of alphabet bicycle crunches (A-A through Z-Z would is one set). Abs are not sore.

15 push-ups. Pecks are sore. Seems to be about the only part of my body that is.

I plan to get to 50 squats and 20 push-ups. Holding the plank poses for 2 minutes strait is also a goal. Not quite sure what I'll do after being on the stair machine with 8 lb weights gets easy, but I'll deal with that if I get there.

Body and Health Update 6/26

I've decided to break this up into subheadings since I'm discussing different things:

Exercise:

I bought new weights yesterday.
8 lbs this time. I was finding that I could go nearly an hour on the stair machine with the 5 lb weights, and 90 minutes without them. Having a work out where the "cardio" takes 90 minutes isn't feasible. Though, it was fun; I watched the Lord of the Rings extended edition over the last week. Originally I wanted 7 or 7.5 lb weights but they didn't have them at Target. All they sold were 6 and 8 pound weights (I should clarify, they did have 7 lb kettle bells, that were more than $20 each, I just don't have the money for that). Since 6 is close to 5, 8 pounds it was.

With the increase in weights I intend to drop the time of my cardio back to 48 minutes (aka, the length of an episode of Fringe).

The stair machine from Wal-Mart is holding out quite well, despite a marked increase in the time I spend using it.

My work out has moved to 1:45 of plank and side planks, though I have split it up into 35 second holds rotating. I think I could pretty easily move it to 3 sets of 40 seconds each, but I found that a minute and 1:10 were pushing the limits of my attention span, the rotation of shorter times allows me to effectively distract myself. I have also moved to 2 alphabet sets of bicycle crunches. The first time for this increased amount was yesterday and I'm surprised that I'm not sore. My workouts also regularly feature 40 squats, 30 calf raises, and 12-13 push-ups in addition to the shoulder exercises I do with the weights while I am on the stair machine. I also have started doing a some squat jumps on the days where I'm energized. I have begun to stretch more as well, as sometimes I feel a bit stiff after long workouts. I stopped doing the high knees, they were good for my cardio level but drained me so quickly that I found myself actively resenting them, and the goal is to enjoy working out, it's not supposed to be mental "work". maybe I will try again later, but not now.

Eating:

I'm still doing the no sweetener thing, still enjoying it, still plan to do this the rest of my life. I do go through days or a period of a few days where I will crave candy/ice cream/cake/chips/croissants. I usually just end up eating more fruit, or pasta.

I've also noticed that a lot of my food cravings come from external food triggers/hunger stimuluses, which are often quite strong, and which just piss me off. I mean, really piss me off. People trying to manipulate me makes me angry. Being hungry makes me irritable. When I'm hungry and know it's because advertisers/businesses are manipulating me through my animal urges, well, it's not a good mood. It also makes me angry because people who fall pray to these incredibly powerful and subtle manipulations are villainized for it but the companies who do it are praised.

"Regular" American food (read; mac and cheese, pigs in a blanket, white bread, sweets, potato chips) has been giving me stomach cramps if I eat it, even though it is eaten rarely. If, by chance, I end up having two events in the same week (like I did last week, a dinner with friends Thursday night and then a wedding with a dinner Saturday night), it seems to be worse.

Case in point, I've been feeling gassy and bloated and gross all week. I think I'm beginning to develop an aversion to processed food. At the wedding I found myself thinking 'do I really want to eat this?' rather than 'Yay! Rule free event!'

Also, I've begun regularly taking vitamins, which only leaves  me nauseous about half the time I take them. I have learned I can't take them with breakfast, apparently an egg, a piece of buttered toast, an apple, and coffee is not enough of a "meal" to keep me from spending the next 3 or 4 hours swallowing down bile. Also, taking them at night is torture. So, lunch, which is undoubtedly my biggest meal of the day and the one I eat the quickest, is really the only acceptable time to take them (I say them because I take a multivitamin as well as one of 3 B supplements, usually folic acid, and a kelp supplement since my budget has restricted the buying of seaweed snacks).

Weight:

The last time I was on the scale, which was mid-month, I was 178. This means that I have lost (a little more than) 15% of my January body weight and that I am no longer "obese." I admit that I am hoping to be less than 175 when I move.

When I look in the mirror, I still see the same person. I still regularly refer to myself as fat.  I know it bothers my sister, who says I am not fat, but I think that her and I are coming from such disparate directions that I cannot explain it to her. To me, this makes sense; I don't change, the appearance of the girl in the mirror doesn't change. If how she looked/looks is "fat" than I will always be "fat." Part of my identity is being "fat." Why am I to try and find a new word that fits for merely "overweight"? Would any stranger be so kind? No. Additionally, I have no desire to join a part of society that would have rejected me previously (and, likely, still does). If I was an outsider I have no interest now in being part of the group.

I have been wondering recently what is likely to happen to me if my weight falls into the only-slightly-overweight category (1 to 10 lbs). This, assuming I continue with my present style of eating and exercising, is a reasonable conclusion at some point in the next year. I do not believe my discomfort with the privileged thin culture will have changed at all. At the same time, I do understand that there is a strong feeling of general distrust and animosity among larger folk towards people who are thin, whether they have "achieved" it or whether they were simply gifted with it. Will I find myself a true outcast or will I find that there is an entirely different sector of people, one largely ignored in the us vs. them war-on-fat?

But I digress.

Sizing:

In addition to having now lost 32 pounds, I also easily fit into a size 14. I can put on a size 12, but I am not a believer in if-you-can-zip-it-it-fits, and the bulge around the top says I am not yet a size 12.

I went through quite a lot of my old clothes in the garage and found that the smallest size seems to be a size 11, which is about a size 8-10. This was both when I was a junior in high school, and when I was on Crew in college. I think one can pretty reasonably argue that 8-10 would be my "ideal" size.  I also find it interesting that there was something like a 15 pound difference in my weight between the two times I wore the same size. Though I do wish I'd known then what I know about sugar now.

The smallest point of my middle is 33.5 inches, just above my belly button is 36, and the widest point of hips/butt is 43. Recently the measurement around my ribs seem to have grown, from 34 to 35 inches. I don't know why or if I'm just not measuring the same.

Sleep:

Sleep is still difficult. Even when I am utterly exhausted I find it hard to fall asleep without some assistance. I find it very hard to quiet my mind long enough for sleep to take hold, and I often jerk back in to waking just as I'm about to fall asleep. I often fall asleep around 1 or 2 a.m. And I am more than capable of sleeping 9 hours a night, which my body does every time it gets the chance.

On a lighter note, I have begun to dream of DC and they have been good dreams. This is very unexpected but leaves me much more optimistic than I have been, because I believe that my subconscious still believes I have made the right decision, in spite of my conscious doubts about my ability to make any right decision.

Update on Me and The Magic Eye Gift of Beauty

Sorry I haven't given an update on my garden. It's had its ups and downs but generally it's doing very well and right now I don't have to buy any veggies except maybe an avocado or an onion or some mushrooms from the grocery. Hopefully I will actually get around to giving an in depth garden update. I should be doing some very important other things so there's a fair chance I'll do the update instead.

I did my monthly weigh. I've now lost 31 pounds, from January 5th to June 11th. I no longer fit the medical definition of "obese."

I kind of want to discuss that.
I guess I'm not "fat" anymore, at least by a Southern definition. I know that the definition of fat varies incredibly. I feel like it should be a big deal, and for about an hour it was.

But... when I look in the mirror I see the same person I saw 31 pounds ago. I might catch glimpses of differences but overall she looks quite the same to me. No significant change of any kind. Other people see a change. I don't.

I've come to understand that about myself.

I don't expect to "see" a change.

I could lose another 31 pounds and I would still see the same person.

So, it's not about (can't be about) changing how I look, to look better, because my eyes can't see anything else. It has to be about health, about kindness to myself, because "better" is a result I will never be able to see with my eyes.

When I look at myself I always see the same "flaws" and the same body. I've learned that I can't create myself beautiful, I have to learn to see myself beautiful. Like seeing a magic eye picture, I have to learn to look differently, or I'll never see what I want, no matter how the picture changes.

I don't feel much different, but I can pull my knees closer to my chest now, and when I'm driving and I wedge my foot against the door (I know, if I get in a car accident it's going to break my leg) my knee doesn't touch the steering wheel now. Also, my clothes are loose and sometimes I can see some muscle tone in places I couldn't before.

The biggest change is my endurance. Work outs can now go 90 minutes. I can hold a plank pose for a minute (three minutes in a row with roughly a 10 second break in between), I can do 7 or 8 real push ups, the weights I hold while doing cardio are heavier. Those are the big differences.

Hopefully, one day I'll be able to look in the mirror and see a beautiful body, no matter the size or shape, and that once I can finally look with the right eyes I'll be able to help other people see with those eyes, too.

Gardens and Tetanus Shots

Yes, you read that right.

I got to go in for my tetanus booster (actually, the t-dap) today.
Why, might you ask?
Because I was trimming back the bushes with a rusty box cutter, and managed to accidentally fillet my knuckle. And, the last time I remember getting a tetanus shot was, oh, 11 years ago.

So, now I have some gauze and a bandage on my finger, and a bandage on my arm and I'm no worse for wear. I also have record of getting the shot. Since recorders are what I didn't have and thus had to rely on memory.

As per the advice of the nurses, I have thrown out the box cutter.

Please forgive the mess, that's my gardening table. 

That being said, my garden is coming along swimmingly. Soon nothing will be covered anymore and I've already begun harvesting. I love it! I will do a more in depth and serious garden update later.

Self-Administered It Works! Ultimate Body Applicator Analysis: Conclusion (Part 4)

It is Now Tuesday.

I drank a little more than half a gallon every day since the It Works! Ultimate Body Applicator wrap on Saturday.

I ate well, and exercised vigorously every day, minus a single cup of coffee with a teaspoon of raw local honey in the morning.

My final measurements are as follows:

Smallest point of middle: between 33.5 and 33.66 inches, down from 34 inches.

Around belly button 38.5 inches, down from 39 inches.

Crest of hip 41 inches, down from 42 inches.

Additionally, the widest point of my hips/butt is now 43 inches, from 44 and my rib measurement is 33.5 inches from 34.

CONCLUSION:

Inconclusive. 
There are too many variables to verify whether or not this "works." In addition, the changes in my body have increased my waist to hip ratio, which is not something I am pleased with. Also, the amount of water drunk may have as much to do with the 1/2 to 1 inch shrinking as the Ultimate Body Applicator. Most notably because the inches lost spread beyond the area of application.

If you are willing to spend 99 dollars on 4 applications or 30 dollars on one and conduct your own experiment, I would say that would be a good idea, but if my results are not drastic enough, feel free to disregard this. My belief is that eating well, drinking enough water, getting enough sleep, and exercising regularly will likely yield the same results (though perhaps over more time) and cost you less.

I will post pictures and allow other people to make their own decisions.

Before Ultimate Body Applicator Wrap and 72 hours later. (a)

Before Ultimate Body Applicator Wrap and 72 hours later. (b)

Me with my stomach sucked in,
for comparison to the pictures without
and to think about when seeing
any results.

Self-Administered It Works! Ultimate Body Applicator Analysis Part 3

Today, Day 2,

34 at smallest point in middle, maybe a little under 34
39 at my belly button
41 at crest of hips

Time of measurement 10 am. (I will be busy in 20 minutes so I figured it wouldn't hurt)

Of course, I used the marks from the Sharpie to ensure I was measuring in the same place and I successfully drank an additional half-gallon of water yesterday.

I also made sure I was adequately hydrated the previous two days, and drank a full two glasses of water before even putting on the Ultimate Body Applicator, as well as the water drank while wearing it.

Additional notes:

In addition to working out yesterday I also went on a two hour walk with a friend around a park and then around town.

I noticed that my stomach felt sore and sensitive all day yesterday, everywhere that had the lotion on it. That didn't go away until I washed it off late last night.

Slept 9 hours.

Self-Administered It Works! Ultimate Body Applicator Analysis Part 2

After the first application I am ¼ inch larger at the waist, from 34 1/2 to 34 ¾

1 inch large around my belly button, from 39 to 40

And 1 inch smaller at the crest of my hips, from 42 to 41.

Time of measurement 10:20 am.

Observations:

• The cold sensation turned to a slight burning or pain that lasted the duration.
• Around the 30 minute mark I noticed that I had begun to stink. The smell at my arm pits was bad enough by the time I had completed the wrap that I used deodorant, which I rarely use. Smell has been an issue (ketosis, I believe) with my decreased appetite lately, but it is usually triggered while I’m exercising. I was not exercising at all, I was standing perfectly still and typing. So, that seems unique.

     Pictures of body prior to application. I will put up comparison pictures in 72 hours.

     Also, do remember that in the last 5 months I have lost between 25 and 30 pounds (and of course I can't know exactly how much for another week because I have made the choice to focus on health rather than weight and thus only weigh once a month), so whether or not this body seems pleasing or displeasing to you is not important. Thank you. :)

Self-administered It Works! Ultimate Body Applicator (1 Application) Analysis Part 1

So, a friend of mine from high school, a housewife down in Florida, has become an It Works sales person. I've seen her posting about the "wraps" and the foods, and checked all of it out.

She said she used it and it worked and I don't think she's purposely deceiving anyone, but I'm dubious about it being truly effective. However; I'm as much a scientist at heart as much as I am an artist so I really found my curiosity growing. I finally talked myself into it and figured that if I bought one and it didn't work I wouldn't have spent too much money and at least she'd get a little bit of commission. After all, she has two kids.

Using the Ultimate Body Applicator is what I'm doing right now. I measured myself; in the morning, but after my workout and after a warm shower (the shower is a suggestion I got from my friend). I have also made an effort to be sufficiently hydrated for the last few days so that dehydration is not as likely to effect results, positively or negatively. I also took my measurements a couple days ago, so that I know my actual measurements as different from the one third to half an inch that the hot shower added.

After measuring I had my sister mark where I'd put the measuring tape so the next three times I measure (after taking it off, at the same time on Sunday, and then at the same time on Monday) I will be measuring in the "right places." I then took out the applicator and rubbed the extra goo from the plastic (as suggested in the how to apply video) on my stomach before unfolding the applicator and putting it on my stomach from sternum to pubic bone and around my sides and making sure it was flat. I then had my sister wrap the saran wrap around me several times, twisting occasionally to keep it "firm" as the video suggested.

Then I started the timer. I will keep it on for 45 minutes to an hour. My friend said 40 minutes is really the time it takes but the packaging suggests a little more.

I am also refraining from sitting, eating, or exercising during the application.

It was suggested to me that I drink 40 oz of water while I have the wrap on, which I am doing. It will be a tight fit, though, to drink 40 oz in 45 minutes.

From what I can tell the saran wrap feels a little snug on my middle but nothing more than a size too small shirt would, it's not tight. The actual application smells strongly of eucalyptus and maybe tea tree oil. It feels quite cold in the same way that rubbing Vic's vapor rub on your chest might.

I was told that if you eat poorly or don't drink enough water the application might not be as effective. That being said, I am on a no sweeteners diet (and of course, by diet I mean the kinds of food I consume, not a commercial gimmick to lose weight), as I have mentioned in previous blogs. I eat no processed foods, no sweets, low in salt and inflammatory foods. My indulgence is my one cup of coffee a day. They said that caffeine can negatively effect it so I might switch to green tea but I'm not going to risk the headache. I really don't see how something that is canceled by a "normal" diet could be found to be very effective for many people. That said, my diet isn't normal, it's great, so that shouldn't be an issue. It was also suggested that I drink half my weight or more in ounces of water each of the three days. So I will endeavor to drink a gallon of water today, tomorrow, and the next day.

I can't help but wonder if the required water is to hide the water weight loss?

I will make an analysis of the results in another entry, along with pictures, and will continue with entries over the next three days assessing change, and whether or not there is any.

Experimenting! Fun!

Appetite is back?

Maybe I worried for nothing. I ate like a normal person today and was ravenously hungry when I tried to skip a meal. Maybe it just took a little while [more than a week] to lose the effects from the antibiotic? Or for my stomach to regrow? No, that doesn't make any sense, I wasn't forcing food on myself.

It could also be because I'm back to my normal workout routine plus I'm using 5 pound weights during my cardio rather than 3 pound weights and I added one new high intensity exercise for my abs.
On that note; you're not going to be hearing much about the specifics of my work outs because I think that's personal, and it's not up for scrutiny. 

Anyway, I had a banana and toast and an egg and coffee with milk this morning, lots of water, an apple and greek yogurt and kimchi and a fruit leather and a cup of orange juice for lunch, then two servings of noodles and a serving and a half of beef and a serving of zucchini and 1 chocolate truffle from a student and another fruit leather and another banana. So, there you go, back to normal eating.

And, after the lunch my stomach was growling sooooo bad.

That's all.

Update:

My appetite was decreased the next day and now seems to be consistently low compared to what it was 3 weeks ago, but not non-existent. I am finding that I sometimes stink very badly when I sweat. I think this is ketosis.

Garden update 5/19

Well, my garden is coming along quite nicely.
And, I finally pulled out my overpriced Fuji camera, stuck 4 batteries in it, and took some pictures!
Some of the spinach is ready to be picked

And the peas are doing well.

The tomatoes are growing slowly but surely

The kale is getting mature enough to come out from under its protective covers

As is some of the chard (this is an "aerial view")

The lettuce is growing quite nicely and about ready to be taken out of their containers.

Oh, and then there are the herbs,

Sage

the baby basil

and the new thyme

And so is the zucchini. I've also planted cucumber, watermelon, some beans, Mexican zucchini, and
summer squash.

The few carrots that survived the first planting are doing well, and the ones from the second planting are just beginning to spout. I expect there will be a third planting some time in June.

The broccoli never took off. I'm tempted to say it's the batch. I never should have bought seeds from wal-mart. :-p Lazy lazy.

The war with the slugs is going on just as strong as it ever was.

Also, I've seen both a rabbit and a groundhog looking around in my compost heap today. I'm just going to leave it uncovered in the hopes they will go after table scraps rather than gardens.

That's all!

A Shout-Out for a Lovely Article

Lovely lady, lovely article. She's right on.

Jennie Runk: My life as a 'plus-size' model

Insonmnia

You know, I wish I could tell you an easy cure for insomnia.

If I knew it I'd use it.

From what I can tell, there is no easy cure. Even the hard cures are hard.

I've been suffering from a bout of insomnia lately courtesy of the antibiotics I was taking. My body clock is all out of sync now.

2:30 am to 11am is not a good sleeping schedule.

I suspect that the situation isn't helped by the fact that I lived in South Korea for two years. I think my body still has a left over memory of that, and is trying for the nice medium of living on eastern European time.

So, it's back to melatonin for the next week or two, and trying to wake up early, even if I didn't go to sleep early.

And exercising. I have ADHD and exercise is really unnecessary for focus, and for sleep. I have to strain out some of the excess fidgetyness. I don't see a flaw in working out hard for a full hour every day, not to loose weight, but to sleep well.

Additionally, nothing with caffeine after 5pm.

And, computer off and closed by 10.

It's funny to me because I like sleep, and I love waking up, but I don't like going to sleep.

Wish me luck!

Food for the day

Breakfast:

A banana, because I woke up at 11. More on that in another post

Lunch:

Lots of kale. Lots. Was 4 or 5 cups before steamed. Probably about 3 cups after 4 minutes of steaming. (I'm never sure if I should measure something by the size it is before or after being cooked) Drizzled with extra virgin olive oil (cannot completely validate it's unadulteratedness but it did completely solidify in the fridge), a little salt, and garlic.

1 serving of grass fed beef, a little oil in pan, tiny bit of salt, pepper, garlic

2 servings spaghetti noodles, drizzled with extra virgin olive oil, a sprinkle of salt, garlic, paprika (organic)

1/2 tomato, chopped

2 small organic pears (because they're going to go bad and they taste perfect when they're bordering on too ripe)

Dinner: 

Probably something with mushrooms if I can swing that at all I don't want to waste my money on food I don't eat. Tuna on the side or eggs (which would go better with mushrooms), the spinach I picked from my garden yesterday as well as some of the stuff that's starting to get old, and the last of the kale, and a banana.

Water: 

As much as I want throughout the day. Probably about four or five tall glasses. I'm fairly certain I will also consume at least 1, if not 2, cups of coffee at some point today.

Conclusion;

A hearty workout for a couple of days does increase the appetite some, but I'm still not eating much compared to previously  I haven't even touched the bag of spinach I bought this week, and a lot of my consuming is having to do with trying to keep foods from getting old rather than food interest. I haven't touched my bag of oranges from this week either and I still have three bananas left (which really should be eaten by tomorrow because they're getting very spotted). The eggs are only about half eaten and I still have two cans of tuna though the chicken and beef are finally finished. The cheese, the parmeasean from a few weeks ago, the colby-jack from this week, the mozzarella  the mixed shredded bag from two weeks ago, none of them are empty. So, no buying cheese this week, I have a ton. I still have some spinach left from two weeks ago, and all the zucchinis I bought this week and one from last week. I haven't opened the new milk, though I nearly finished the one from two weeks ago. Not even the orange juice is gone. I will, however, need a little more pasta as I'm about 2/3 through my box of spaghetti and I finished the box of curly noodles left over from two weeks ago. I need to eat more yogurt or my yogurt from 3 week ago will go bad. I'm about 1/2/ to 2/3 finished with the 2/4 oz container. I still haven't opened the plain Greek yogurt I bought last week.

I think that if I can get my body clock reset and start eating a real breakfast again I'll find myself going through a bit more food and being hungrier. Also, I should probably buy less food until I figure out how much I'm eating now.

A Regression Into and Out of Numbers

I'm not perfect.

My psychological state isn't perfect, my health isn't perfect.

I do hope you know that.

I'm hoping that I can voice this, well write it, and get it out of my head.

As a warning, I am about to argue with myself, and this could be triggery for those of you who suffer from eating disorders. For that I apologize.

Last I weighed I was somewhere between 186 and 188. I made the mistake of weighing twice in a week. Stupid.

My brain is saying, you lost [almost] 8 pounds last month. You could do it again. Maybe your metabolism has sped up. Maybe it will happen again and again. If you lost 8 pounds this month and in the two months following that would be 24 pounds. 24 pounds in three months. That's 2 pounds a week. That's twice your previous speed. You should work out more, eat less. Maybe you could be 150 by December, maybe you could be 145. 210 minus 65 is 145. That's more than 1/4 of your weight. 210 minus 4 minus 5 minus 5 minus....

This.

This is why I am not weighing myself. 

Welcome to the dark side of my mind. This counting and recounting doesn't just relate to weight, it goes to calories and to other things, if I let it.

It's anxiety. My anxiety. Trying to contain itself by counting.

My mind does this with things I'm anxious about, it tries to circle back on itself. When I'm worried about a situation my mind rehashes all possible outcomes that it can consider, each more extreme than the last in a cycle that used to drive me mad.

And, honestly, sometimes still does.

My mind is full of sinkholes.

But I've learned what others haven't; you don't have to fall in.

If you don't fall in, eventually they start to seal over.

*I wanted to show you all this thinking because I want to discuss why it's wrong, how it's wrong*  (and maybe pull myself further from this sink hole, walk away instead of sticking my toe in)

I do not believe that my weight determines my beauty or my value or my success in pursuing health. I see nothing but crackpot evidence of any of those things. What does it matter if I'm 145 or 150? Will I be more beautiful? Will I feel more beautiful? No. I've lost weight before with the "I'll be better, I'll be more when" mentality, and I was miserable. I lost opportunities because by the time I "got there" I was so consumed with "not good enough" that I was lost in it. No, losing weight, specifically losing to a "goal" weight, won't make me feel more beautiful.

And, I believe that beauty is innate. I believe that beauty comes from *existing* beautifully; from being spiritually healthy, from treating your body and mind well, from making intimate connections, from doing good, from loving yourself, from loving others, from being your best self. This is beauty. All people are capable of beauty at all stages of life, all sizes, all ages. So, no, losing weight cannot make me more beautiful, because beauty is more than something that can be bought or sold, beauty is not something you can cake on or take away. So, no, losing weight won't make me more beautiful.

Will it make me more valuable? Perhaps to some, but to none who matter. Do I resent those who think weight and value are correlated? Yes. Do I see them as morally deficient? Yes! Do I think they harm society with their views? Yes! Do I want to impress or give a sense of validity to those who I feel are socially disruptive and morally deficient? No. So, I cannot consider that any social "value" gained by weight loss would have any gain me. No more than blood money. You win and you loose, and the latter in far greater measure.

Will losing to a particular goal weight make me healthier? I really really really don't believe so. No. It won't. I am healthy. I exercise for an hour nearly every day. I do my best to  make sure I get enough sleep. I work hard to ensure and maintain a healthy psychological state. I pursue my faith. I have removed all things both made of and containing sugar or any processed sweetener from my diet. I try to laugh every day. I go to the doctor when I'm sick. I avoid excess. No, I'm healthy. As long as I continue to do these things to the best of my ability, I am healthy. Only idiots who look only at numbers would think that I'd be more healthy at a low goal weight.

Even if all the idiots thought I was healthy, I'd be unhappy. No, that's not a worthy exchange.

Besides, the likelihood of continuing to lose weight at any one speed, is highly unlikely. The body is not like a car that you can set to cruise control. It varies with time of year, food intake, stress, and hormones. Additionally  the lower your weight, the less you will lose, if you are losing, if you should lose at all for optimum health, because the lower it goes (to a point, obviously), the closer you get to your healthy weight. Yours. Not some got-dam chart made up by someone obsessed with saving insurance companies money (does it not seem odd, the concept that an insurance company is a business and not a charity nullifies the purpose of being insurance...). We are not numbers, we are not statistics.

Beyond all that, it's far more likely that the 8 pounds was a fluke, maybe even a fluke of the scale, particularly seeing as I'd lost 5 pounds each in the 3 previous months. To make a number goal, to obsess, to count and recount as my mind is inclined to is a recipe for pain, both psychological pain in the form of intense anxiety and self doubt, and the pain of disappointment when I inevitably fail to reach a goal I have never ever reached, not even with my best previous efforts.

So, this is how I will close; 

The numbers don't matter, and the time doesn't matter.

I am healthy, and I will continue to be healthy. It would be nice to get below "obese," but I don't have to. I am healthy, my body will go where it needs to. I trust it.

I am committed to loving my body now. If it changes, I will love it then too, and I will love the memory of how my body was.

I am beautiful now. I will practice existing beautifully.

I am valuable now. Value is one of the most inalienable rights. Right up there with beauty. And, like beauty, it cannot be diminished by there being more people with it. It is innate to us (this is why the darkness of the world tries to convince us we don't have it, or that we've lost it). I will practice living in light of that knowledge; that I am very valuable, that we all are.

I am eternal. I will live in light of eternity. I understand that I am a baby in this universe and I will pursue beautiful maturity in all things, but especially my soul.

:-)

Example of food

Okay, seriously, what is with not being hungry?

Today I ate:

1 banana
2 small pears
2 servings of chicken
2 scrambled eggs with about 1/4 cup of 2% milk added in and about 1/4 cup of cheese sprinkled on top
1 coffee with 1/2 cup of milk and
1 tablespoon of raw honey split between the coffee and a big mug of mint tea
1 zucchini
2 servings of pasta with some olive oil and a little grated parmesean cheese
2 fruit leathers
1 cup of orange juice


Sooo

3ish servings of dairy
4 servings of protein
2 servings of pasta
2ish servings of veggies
5ish servings of fruit
and some oil
and coffee

wtf

Not enough calories, definitely not enough veggies. Grrrr.

Family Health

I don't talk a whole lot about my family on here, mostly it's not relevant, but I wanted to talk a little about it today.

My father has kidney disease. It says in check mostly, but his weight is higher than his job would like. Around the new year he was given a nutritionist (he's seen her before for his weight) who put him on a "shake" diet. My mother calculated that they were having him eat between 600 and 800 calories a day. I think at the time my father weighed around 220. Well, being a man, he dropped weight very very quickly, and made weight when he was tested. I voiced that I thought this was a bad idea, and that he would put the weight back on. He said that your metabolism speeds up when you lose weight (interesting how my father, or is that all men, have very different ideas on weight loss and gain than women do) and that he looked forward to going back to "normal eating" when it was all done. Well, it was done, and he did, and he put most of the weight back on. I said nothing, because it's rude to rub things in people's faces, but he did mention that I had been right, which was vindicating.

I do have a point in telling you all this.

Recently I had a talk with my father about removing sweeteners from your diet, how I thought that was to blame for poor health, that I didn't think it was as simple as "calories in calories out," and that simply by removing anything with sweeteners and using raw honey sparingly and replacing the old foods with fresh whole foods I had lost 23(21?) pounds and felt great. He took this to heart, though perhaps not exactly as I would have hoped (but I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth), and has begun to remove things with sweeteners from his diet. He has stopped drinking any soda, and has replaced sugar in his coffee with a bit of raw local honey. I'm very pleased. I believe his health will improve and he will see some weight loss. He has also been asking my mother about the specifics of my diet as she knows exactly what I'm doing. I am very happy to have had a positive influence on his eating habits.

Additionally, my younger sister has begun to consume more healthy foods. We live together so she is a constant observer of how I eat, and while her diet is definitely very different from mine, any change she makes toward healthier whole food is a good one. With her MS it's definitely important in my book to positively influence her eating/lifestyle habits however I can. Though, I admit that I spend most of the time feeling like I'm having no influence at all. Additionally, she has begun to take a medication to decrease her constant state of sleepiness/near constant sleep. She was very productive on the day she took it. I was impressed. I hope this med works out well for her.

Finally, and I think this is going to be the best, my mother. My mother, in my opinion, very likely has an undiagnosed autoimmune disorder. Ever couple of years she goes through a period where her body completely rebels against her, swelling in her joints, pain, exhaustion, ect. This lasts for an undefined period of time, and all the tests come back negative, until it fades away and she is fine for a while before whatever it is flares back up. My father, being the enourager that he is, always declares her dying at the beginning of these things, and goes on about how her health is declining and he will outlive her and have to find another wife and generally becomes someone I want to avoid at all costs. And I worry a lot, because she and I are very close.

Well, the most recent case involved her stomach swelling and her ability to eat foods being reduced to almost nothing. She was limited to mostly semi-solids or else have horrible stomach pain for the better part of the last year and a half. At first they thought it was cancer, then a variety of other diseases, but all the test came back negative. My mother also developed regular migraines. The did lots of tests, and concluded that she needed to "lose weight." That's it, she was having severe water retention in her stomach and visible inflammation of her intestines and stomach because she was 220 lbs and needed to "lose weight."

So, she worked out 45-70 minutes on her treadmill every day, increased the incline and the speed, took walks to the park with my father, and kept eating what she could. She figured out at some point she was only eating around 1000-1200 calories a day. She lost weight VERY VERY SLOWLY. When she was finally down to "not obese" she went back to the doctor. She still had the severe water retention, still had the inflammation  still had the stomach pain. Their response was "oh, we thought it would go away. Well, it doesn't seem to be killing you, so maybe this is your life now."

I have to admit that my mother's trials with the (sizist) doctors have developed, in me, a general resentment of the medical establishment.

Well, recently she got a new doctor, who set up new tests, took her off her old medicine, gave her a new medicine, and gave her packets of probiotics.

On Friday I shared some of an apple with my mother. Now, remember, she's spent the better part of a year and a half on a mostly semi-solid diet. She expected to have a severe stomach ache that night but at the apple slices anyway because she was hungry. She didn't have any pain.

Then she ate some pizza at a get-together with friends. No pain.

She bought a couple of apples and ate them. NO PAIN!!!!

I am super excited, stoked, that my mother's stomach might be healing, that she might be able to go back to a "real" diet, a truly healthy diet with fruits and vegetables and whole grains. I don't know if it was time, or this doctor, the timing implies the doctor did something, but I'm super happy. This is wonderful news, and I hope it continues; for my mother's sake, for her health, and for my sake, for my peace of mind as I move.

These improvements to my family members health make me very happy.

Eating

I'm going to post two entries today, because I feel they're pretty different topics.

First, eating. I'm convinced that I've been eating significantly less lately, since the spider bite (or there around). Let me tell you why, I didn't run out of food last week. In fact, I have about half of last week's food left, even staples like pasta and eggs and fruit and cheese.

You see, each week I only buy about as much food as I think I will eat for the next week (except for meat, which I buy two weeks' worth of, and things like olive oil and spices). So, if I'm eating about half of that in a week, that's a pretty significant decrease in food intake. I've also noticed that I'm tending toward eating only two real meals a day, with  maybe a third small meal/snack.

Frankly, I'm not entirely sure why this is happening. It could be that my body is changing, it could be because I was sick. It could be because of the antibiotics, or maybe the topamax. But here's the thing, the bite is almost entirely healed, I haven't taken the antibiotics in two days, and I haven't taken the topamax in 4 or 5 (which is more days than I took it).

So, is the lack of appetite the left over meds in my system, or the left over toxins or just a change in my own body?

I don't know.

Part of me is happy about this. The upside is that I'm not hungry as often. Not being hungry is nice as being hungry is unpleasant. Also, if this persists it means I might actually be able to keep within my food budget when I move. That's a nice prospect.

Part of me is uncomfortable with this. First, your body needs food to provide itself with vitamins and nutrients, if you're not eating much, you're not getting those important vitamins and nutrients. Second, I hope I've made this clear in previous posts, but I think that our culture/country's obsession with cutting calories is absolute bullshit. In fact, I think that cutting calories can cause the metabolism to slow and can cause malnutrition. I believe that it's our intake of "artificial" foods and specifically of processed sweeteners (both caloric and non-caloric) that have cause the "obesity epidemic." I think that the entire "obesity epidemic" campaign is a giant fucking red herring to redirect blame at the subjects suffering rather than at the businesses and policies that support produce and peddle and distribute the products causing the suffering.

Additionally, and especially, I believe that if you are physically active, exercise regularly, get enough sleep, love yourself, are socially proactive, as psychologically healthy as you are presently able to be, practice stress reduction techniques, and eat a diet largely free of processed foods and sweeteners than you are healthy. Healthy and beautiful. And you have a right to live in light of that knowledge. It doesn't matter what weight you are. If you're living like that and your weight drops, great, if your weight stays the same, great, if you weight goes up, great (maybe you're building muscle, maybe you were too skinny). I think that body-hatred and self-hatred is far more destructive to a life than extra weight is to health.

Soooooooo, when I look at my own body and see that I went 10 hours without eating on Saturday and was fine with it, I'm not sure I'm fine with it, but it's definitely keeping costs down.

P.S. This is a link to a really great infographic about the average calories someone in a variety of countries consumes in a day (the results will surprise you, particularly considering that the diet industry is telling women that they should eat between 1200 and 1500 calories a day for the rest of their life) that I think everyone should look at and a lot of the comments are quite good as well.

5/12 Garden Update

My garden is doing quite well.
Yesterday I weeded the entire thing. It took me about six hours but it really was alright. There were quite a few clouds so I didn't get sunburned but it was cool and it didn't rain. It wasn't heavy labor that might trigger an itching episode from the last of the venom in my system but it was physical and relaxing. I can't imagine many other ways I would have enjoyed more than spending my day like I did.

Here is my garden. I don't know if you can see but a little over half the plants are starting to outgrow their containers. I intend to switch to 2 liter bottles when they get larger and begin to harden them off as they reach the tops of the 2 liters before removing them completely and moving the container to a different plant that has outgrown is smaller container. I also transplanted some of the last of my broccoli. I know, so very late, too late, but we'll see. The broccoli that's in my garden seems very stunted, and those are the ones that survived at all. I may not get any broccoli this year, but at least I gave it my best. I also put out a couple more kale and (re)planted carrots. This time I will make sure to cover them before pests can get to them (I have four out of about 20 growing from my last attempt). Other than that, reading the growing instructions on bell peppers was daunting. I think I will hoe out an area near the fence around the end of may and see if they'll grow there.

I picked two pea pods and ate them yesterday. They were quite tasty. and my pea plants seem to be doing pretty well, even if they are kind of short, and some of the ground planted ones seem to have had more trouble with bugs (don't know why, it's just a few).

Here is my sage plant, which seems to be turning into a bush. I'm very happy with the results of wintering it.

Oh, and this is actually a picture of my largest spinach from last week (obviously, as the garden is filled with weeds and maple seeds). It's larger now, and I think in another week I will start clipping off leaves to use.

Finally, I wanted to give you an up-close of one of my lettuces. This was actually taken while I was thinning them. I made a nice salad out of what I thinned and each "container" (what's the word for it?) has only one plant now. I'm very happy with them thus far.

Finally, I planted zania seeds in the front yard near the tree and near the rocks in our "flower bed." Hopefully those will grow. If they do I have every intention of pesticiding them. I would like people who are not just my next-door-neighbor to know I take care of my home, and it would be a nice sort of pretty-but-silent farewell to the neighborhood before I move.