That thing I can't get over

When I think about how men I knew in South Korea, or men I dated, wouldn't even glance at me now because of my weight gain in the US, when I think about how I would be stopped in the street and told to loose weight if I was still there, when I think of all the ways society through every sensationalized picture and article derides me for my weight...

There aren't many times anymore that cutting seems like a viable option. I'm pretty much totally against willful self-injury this far out. But, when I think of all those things, I want to take a sharp knife and cut into myself, cut down too the muscle on my arms and legs, stomach, face and back. I want cut until the ugly is cut out of me, because surely being covered in scars is far better than being fat.

*deep sigh*

I've lost weight several times, (hiking often, watching what I eat, doing weights, and running regularly, often for two hours a day, for over a year) down into the 160s, which is still roughly 15 pounds above the max weight I should be at my height and 20 to 30 above what they'd like me to be. So, please explain to me what the fucking point is? I loose weight, work my ass off, forgo relationships just to work out because it requires SO MUCH TIME, embarrass myself at the gym six days a week, by being surrounded by people smaller than me, who look at me with amusement or disgust, only to STILL BE A FAILURE. I mean, really, that's the reality, society says, if you're not a "normal weight" than you're a failure. If you didn't get there than you're actively choosing to be ugly/unhealthy/unattractive/undesirable/worthy of punishment and derision. Don't worry, I got that message loud and fucking clear. Maybe I should have been working out  3 hours a day. Maybe I should have quit my job and just worked out. Maybe I should quit school and quit eating, because I certainly can't work run and do weights two hours a day, eat 1200 calories, and then try to make A's or work (I tried, I would get dizzy and brainless and weak about half way through the day, trembling, tripping, sometimes unable to stand I felt so weak, and I stank). At that point my brain is only capable of the simple math required to count and recount and fucking recount all the calories I've eaten, always rounding up so I don't "underestimate" the calories in something.

I would love to be acceptable in the eyes of others. That's really what it boils down to; the thing I'm incapable of achieving, the thing I can't get over.

I would like to go to a nutritionist for someone to help me make a plan and keep me accountable, and advocate to help me see extreme healthiness as a reward rather than a punishment, but when I think about it I have panic attacks imagining how she/he will tell me I'm killing myself and poke me rudely and and treat me with disgust (this, has, in fact, happened before, so I'm not just imagining some impossible scenario).

Mostly, self-injury doesn't seem like an option, but when I think of those things, it feels like the only one.

This Constitutes That

I guess it's been about a week and a half since I did interval stuff, but I mowed the lawn yesterday and did a lot of potting and digging in my garden, and worked on the back yard. All together it took hours. I was so sore when I laid down last night. I'm counting that as my work out.

I'm trying to grow healthy food. I bought compost yesterday which I'm hoping will work as soil, though I'm concerned that it's holding onto too much moisture. If the plants don't sprout in the next week I'll get top soil and mix it in to ensure that it drains properly. Actually, I think I'll do that anyway, because squash is susceptible to root rot (I would know, it happened in my last garden).

I am also trying to eat healthy food/smaller portions again. But I will not spend my life hungry.

I am hoping to wake up bright an early tomorrow morning and see just how much damage was done by my hiatus. I will try 90 second breaks. I expect to look like someone who's having a heart attack when I'm done.

My sister said to me "it's good you don't care what people think of how you look when you work out." Yeah, I'm fairly sure that was a backhanded compliment, but I'll take it!

Cycle

Period should be over tomorrow. I hope.
Walked for an obscene distance, considering I was in chucks and jeans, two days ago with a very thin friend (acquaintance?) who I think triggered my weight stereotype threat.

Also, I went running the day after I fell.

I've been kind of active kind not depending on the day with my cycle on, and it was five days late, so that was five days of cramping and weighting and thinking it would start any minute only to find out that I could have worked out that day.

NOT going to talk about the weight.

Hopefully will begin running again this week, Tuesday if not tomorrow.

Quinoa went bad in the fridge, turned slimy and purplish.

That's all

Waiting

So, four days ago I began to cramp so I stopped with the running to let myself have my period.

Four days ago. Still no period.

But, lots of cramps, increased moodiness, anxiety, hunger.

Weighed on the scale. Surely I haven't gained 10 lbs in the 3 weeks of exercising...

Sore, tired, did I mention moody. And no period.

Perhaps it will skip this month and I will have missed a week of working out for nothing.

Perhaps if I start running again it will start, just to spite me.

I definitely have more muscle and less flab.

My face has also broken out.

This week could be worse. I could have a toothache, or a UTI, or ingrown hairs, or the flu.

I also smell bad.

I miss working out.

BUT, I have painted.

Ouch

I feel like I've been beat up and I haven't even gone to sleep yet.
Boy am I hoping for a miraculous recovery!

Take a Fall

Went and worked out again today.
It was pretty good for the most part. I made an endeavor to cut out the extended rests between my first and second sets of five (or cycles, as I do the things in cycles of five; two sets of side hopping-one on the left side and one on the right, one set of knee highs-like in soccer, and butt kicks-also like in soccer, and one of running). The final the cycle is mostly running.

It was pretty hot this morning, but I was at the track by, gosh, 8:30? It was pretty clear, because clearly only crazy people work out in this heat. I was feeling energized, and then about half way through my workout...

I tripped.

I splatted.

I think I bounced.

I laid there for a second assessing myself internally, making sure I hadn't broken or torn anything, then I got back up with a few bruises and a slightly bruised ego (lucky, that thing about there not being many people on the track this morning really worked in my favor) and finished my workout, albeit at a slightly gentler pace.

I also made sure to stretch extra well at the end.

And then, made a chiropractic appointment.

I'm still a bit sore but the chiropractor helped, I'm sure, and he also taught me an exercise to do to decrease shin splints. I told him about mine and since they're not getting worse he said that it's probably all just taking time healing from that first time I hurt them by wearing worn out shoes.

I have also begun to eat coconut oil. I'm trying to do that 1-2 tbsp a day thing (I hope it's not teaspoons...)

I also put it in my hair and am trying it on my skin. I'm convinced it made the skin on my face nicer. I hope to work out again tomorrow morning because I expect my cycle to start sometime between Friday and Sunday and I don't want to be surprised on the track by it because I didn't workout when I should have.

I'm thinking I'll have to take some pain killers though. Bodies do not like splatting on pavement, even if you're a tough-as-nails chick like me, haha.

Shins

My shins do not hurt today, they feel a little stiff if anything.  My shoulder hurts a little.

I am. So confused.

I'm still trying to figure out if the pain was from that original workout in my old warn out shoes (because that's when the pain started and was at its worse) or if I'm overpronating in the shoes I'm in. I'm not sure if I can actively try to NOT overpronate or if that will help. I don't know if the shoes I have are continuing the problem started by my old shoes and that I might need additional arch support. I hate to go out and spend money before I know I need to, esp when the insoles on my shoes are so comfy.

It was difficult to refrain from working out today, but the cat keeping me up with hollering until about 1 a.m. helped solidify my resolve to stay in bed.

Also, my sister was very sore after working out with me. I was sad for her but happy for me.

Two Days in a Row?

Well, I worked out again this morning.
I know, amazing!


I woke up at 6:50. What else was I going to do? I didn't want to start studying or cleaning that early, and it was too early to try and call schools, and after checking fb and email there wasn't anything else.

Only did 10 sets, which almost ended up as 9 sets because I set the interval timer wrong. The last run may have been 50 or 55 seconds because it wasn't timed (but there's this children's song that I sing through while I'm doing it so I don't have to think about the time and I'm usually through it about twice when the minute is up so I just did that), but it was pretty close.

A picture of women from behind a tree?
Looks kind of stalkery, doesn't it?

I was out there at a little after 8 a.m. (which is kind of sad considering I'd woken up more than an hour before, but oh well) and finished stretching after the workout a little after 9 a.m. I'm glad I got there when I did because they were setting up tables and tents and a hot dog stand in the fields and I didn't want to be there for whatever shenanigans would interrupt my workout with drunk men and smoking children again.

I was feeling pretty good between the sets so I think I will drop the rest time to 90 seconds at the end of this week (ok, what  will actually happen is that my period is going to start and running will feel like someone is trying to tear off my legs so I'm going to spend a week doing a 40 minute yoga video every day and then start the 90 second-break-sets about two weeks from now).

I'm pretty happy about that because if I can start 90 second breaks at the beginning of August I should (hopefully!) be able to go to 60 second breaks right around the day classes start, which will considerably cut the duration of my workouts. Under an hour, baby! 


Was quite happy with the time I woke up this morning. 


My shins still hurt, and my shoulder hurt a bit when I woke up.
Took some ibuprofen.
The pain was dulled by the meds but also worked itself out quite a bit during the running and each set was easier, in that respect, than the last.
My shins don't hurt much now but I wonder if the pain is from pronating?
I'm wondering if the pain will go away. It's been two weeks, I can't have shin splits for however long I own these shoes, that would be really bad for my legs.

Went home and thought I would finish out the effort exerted in a normal workout by doing yard work. Started chopping at the bushes overgrowing the backyard and was ambushed by mosquitoes (8 bites in about 15 minutes). I sounded the retreat, so that is only about 1/5 done.
Sawed down some saplings growing up in the fence and chopped at some grass that the lawn mower isn't dexterous enough to get.

Sweated (is that a word?) a TON. Frankly, I still feel dehydrated.
Had a shot of ginseng extract and a couple bananas and a couple eggs with fresh basil leaves.

No working out tomorrow, just studying for the test.

Oh, and I'm finding that not weighing or measuring myself this time is doing worlds of good for my emotional stability and positivity this time.

Sibling Exercisery

My sister came to workout with me today.

 I'm glad that she exercised, that she's interested in something I'm interested in, and that we were able to pass nearly three hours without getting into an argument, but'm glad I normally go in the mornings before she gets back from work. One thing I like about working out is NOT talking. I'm a pretty talkative person so by principal of people being around I tend to talk. But, counter to what one might think, I really like silence. I'm alone pretty often and, when I am, I'm quiet. I like it. I'm in my head and the sounds I hear are wordless.

This was not the case with my sister there with me. In addition, she tends to want to talk about very heavy topics, or ones that are very easily judged (in a negative sense), or a combination thereof. I'm happy she's talking to me and I often like heavy topics, but I don't like heavy topics when it's not appropriate (like when I'm exercising on a public track), or when it is the same topic we have gone over at least ...50 times before. I empathize with my mother and the fact that I have spent years talking about the same thing. That woman is a miracle of patience. 

The workout as a whole was slower, because there was a volleyball match on and people had pitched tents and chairs all along the track (and drinking at 10:30 a.m., tsk tsk, and a girl who couldn't have been over 14, and certainly not 18, smoking) and were crowding it, so we had to walk past that whole section before we could begin with the intervals again, and, though only a little, because my sister didn't know the moves for the exercises. 

We finished the 15 sets and I stretched as well. 

The shoes still leave no blisters and I honestly didn't notice any numbness in my toes today. The exercises are getting easier and I'm tripping less on the side skips, an exercise my sister found particularly taxing.

I eased up on the knee-ups because of the burn out from last time. I want to get through the interval and if that means only 80 or 85% effort I think that's alright. 

I had terrible shin-splits today, as well as pain in the front of my thighs, and it was actually hindering my workout by the end. I was really struggling to run. It didn't feel like it was pain from impact but pain from trying to roll through. Anyway, quite painful.

Hips and back are fine and shoulder is doing better, and this without pain meds yesterday or last night. We'll see how it is tomorrow.

I suspect the pain in my legs has something to do with mowing the lawn on Friday evening, because not only did my shins hardly hurt during the Friday morning workout they also didn't hurt afterwards, and I felt fine on Saturday. I don't recall doing any exercise yesterday so I'm not quite sure what's going on there, just making theories, but I'm pretty sure it's not the new shoes. Hopefully the pain will be back down by my next workout. 

A woman who saw me on the track said "great workout." So, that was strange, but nice. :)

So, right now I want to take a moment to plug some fun health videos/video series that I like.

1.     Reluctantly Healthy on Yahoo. Now, most things on Yahoo are utter trash. In fact, it might be insult to trash to say that. But, one fun, slightly glowy beacon is Reluctantly Healthy, which actually does give good health advice. Yes, Judy Greer is a skinny-minny, but just being thin does NOT mean that you're healthy. I also like that she is either genuine or genuinely empathizes with the "masses." The videos are short but the advice is generally sound. I particularly like this video: 
Workout in a Box


2.     TapThat+; love, learn, and get laid by Youtube user lacigreen. It might seem a bit (or a lot) risque at first, but this vlog has a lot of sound advice, and a lot of reasonable thinking on a lot of health subjects. She discusses things people don't want to discuss, but want to know about, and while I don't share her (much) freer lifestyle or any of her theological ideas I do like (most of) the videos and agree on a surprising number of them. When I was looking for a video to link I had a hard time deciding because I like so many of them but eventually settled on this;
Fat Shame

3.    SadiNardini on Youtube. She's a yoga instructor (yogi?) and, having done yoga in South Korea, I think a lot of her videos are really good. This one on planks and core strength is my favorite so far: 
Best Core Pose

4.     I originally found this one, the instructor is named Zuzka, on BodyRock.TV on yotube. I loved the workouts but found the focus of the cameraman to be irritating and oversexualized so I removed it from my subscriptions (if you want to look at the channel, the workouts are really good). But, now she has her own channel! That being said, Zuzka's workouts are BEAST. If you can keep up with her you might be able to qualify for the Olympics. I'm going to link to the Youtube channel, rather than a particular video for this one. 
Zuzka Light's channel


5.    Okay, the next videos are a little different. I'm going to plug TEDtalks because, frankly, everyone on the planet should be listening to these. TEDtalks has thousands of talks and some of them are on health. Having been at a TEDx conference I know first hand that some of the talks on health are very good. I'm going to plug a few here having to do with overall health and psychological health (which brings up a thought, I'm in all these psych classes, should I post about psychological health, too?)
The Game that Can Give you Time
A Tale of Mental Illness-From the Inside <---This is an AMAZING talk. Watch it. Now.
How Healthy Living Nearly Killed Me
I would suggest you go to youtube and to a search, something along the lines of TEDtalks health. There are a lot of great talks. In fact a search of TEDtalks [whatever you want] would be great, too.

Finally to Fifteen

Worked out yesterday and finally reached fifteen sets. Very exciting. I'm also not as sore as I was any of the other days and the entire work out was quite tolerable, though I sweated like someone had doused me in water.

My shins hurt less than before, and much less than they did at first, and my feet don't hurt at all except for some arch cramping. My muscles are a little stiff but not sore.

I've been taking ibuprofen for my shoulder and it's been helping a lot and hurting much less, so obviously it's inflammation of some kind.

I can go at 100% for about 40 seconds before the energy falls off a cliff and dies a horrific death.
The breaks that interval training uses are actually really good because I can go hard for a little bit and then finish and spend a bit gasping and then my breathing evens out and then I can go at 100% for a little bit again.

At the end I didn't feel nearly as exhausted as I have previously.

I have also noticed a very slight increase in stomach and back definition.

Later yesterday evening I mowed the front and back yard which was a work out in its own right. My hands are sore and my back is a little stiff from that.

The allergies from mowing are clogging my breathing nicely so no working out today.
At least the yard looks good.

So, back to interval training; I'm now to 15 sets, which is my set goal, I just need to increase endurance/intensity and decrease break time between sets.

Wednesday

Eating healthy continues to be thwarted by pm.
And by that I mean all hours after 1pm. I eat a healthy breakfast and a healthy lunch and then I'm plunged into sugar cravings. I have managed to stave some of this off with a steady diet of beans. I don't know how that works, but I'm quite gassy. Also, I eat ice cream. Yes, stupid pm.

However, my last interval workout (on Monday) was very tolerable and I look forward to the next. I also did considerable activity in participating in a spring cleaning of sorts. I am trying to stay active and move even when studying. I like to think there's a change through I'm not sure it's not just in my head.

I may have mentioned this before but I am not weighing as that just leads to anxiety and a continued sense of social failure.

My shoulder has been giving me trouble lately. I can't figure out why it's acting up again.

I was hoping to mow the front and back yard tomorrow and count that as my work out but it is storming and the forecast is stormy for a while. We'll see.

Also, in the last workout my shins hurt a bit but not as much as the previous two interval workouts and not as much after. Also, I noticed improvement in my stamina, particularly in the running section. However; my shoulder has been hurting, as I mentioned, and my arches feel sore. 


I got an ultrasound treatment on my shoulder which helped some.

I have been waking up at 7-7:30 every morning, despite any desire I might have to sleep longer. Now if only that can move to 6-6:30 it'll be perfect.

Summary of Lent

I made it through lent without sugar and mostly without added sweeteners, too. I was one of only a few people who made it entirely through the lent fast. Though, I was getting kind of moody, and had pretty awful cravings by the end. I was really excited about Easter.

I am very proud of myself.

I lost 10 pounds over lent by cutting out all sugars (except for regular bread and honey). I promptly gained it all back. But, apparently I DO, in fact, have self-control.

Workout Two

Well, I woke up bright and early (before 7!) this morning, ate my apple and yogurt, had a glass of water, and headed out to the park with my new running shoes.
The shoes are Nike Air Pegasus 28, women's. They seem to have very good reviews online.

I completed my second workout and my first interval workout since starting this new attempt at fitness (note that I will not be saying thinness or loosing weight or any of those things that tend to send me into a panic attack of conditioned hopelessness).
I did 12 sets, 1 minute on, 1 minute of gasping, one minute off. Well, I joke, a little. Technically it was two minutes off, one minute on, with  the "on" minute being roughly 85% effort as my goal was to avoid nausea and cramps. I also walked for a while before the sets, half way through the sets, and after the sets. The distance covered was roughly 3.8 miles in just about an hour (give or take 10 minutes, I wasn't watching my watch very closely). I also stretched quite thoroughly afterwards.

I drank a bottle of water during the work out.

At home I had a homemade strawberry yogurt pop, black/peppermint tea with almond milk and honey, and showered.

Summery of aches and what-not:
I don't have new blisters on top of the blisters I got from my old shoes on Monday so that is awesome. In fact I didn't really notice any of the soreness from my feet until the very end.
My big toes are a little sore but they were very sore and blistered on Monday so I don't know if that's left from the old shoes or from the new ones.
The pads of my feet aren't "comfortable" but they're not in pain like Monday.
My heels feel awesome.
My pinky toes went numb at first but got circulation back not too long after that.
So far my hips and knees feel fine. My ankle feels markedly better than Monday AND Tuesday, and doesn't appear to have been hurt more by running on it again.
I have some general soreness but that's not surprising.
My shins hurt, they feel like they've been kicked. They were hurting on Monday, they are hurting more today. I'm wondering if drinking more water, icing them, running on the grass, or all three are in order. Will watch how my shins feel.

The shoes felt funny and I sometimes felt like I was trying to keep from overpronating with them but that could just be the new shoes. The wear on my old shoes showed a little bit of underpronation.

And I am Back on the Wagon

I exercised two days ago, went and bought new shoes today after my old ones made my feet feel like they were being kicked, and I am ready to go!

New goal:
exercise, get into great shape. Try interval stuff this time.
Eat better, avoid sugar when possible.
loose roughly 4 pounds a month for the next year. End at or under 150, try to figure out true healthy weight from there, because I STRONGLY DOUBT that I will be able to maintain 150, particularly considering my weight history.
When I get under 180 go harass a nutritionist for tips to continue loosing weight

New things are nuts, home made fruit freeze pops, greek yogurt, fresh herbs, and quinoa.
Old things are fruits and veggie, fish, eggs, almond milk, tea, vinegar, oats, and low sugar.

Two days in

I ate a piece of cake today, and an oatmeal cookie.

Other than that I was good.

This morning my mother thought her cat was going to die and showed up here in town to take it to the vet. Luckily the cat didn't die. Not that I have a problem being nurturant, but this week is not good as I need to finish lesson plans.

Then this evening I met with some ladies from my church, one is loosing her job. I really repressed my normal ADD urge to blurt things out because I thought it was really important that she say everything she needed to say without being interrupted. It was really hard. Hard to hear and hard to repress.

After that and the morning I had this headache and a terrible craving for sugar. I knew that if I didn't get what I wanted I was going to eat everything I could get my hands on. Now the craving is gone, don't want any more.

Hopefully that will last for a few days.

The Weight of the World on Us

You know, they say that loosing weight and regaining it is worse for you than simply maintaining a high weight. Funny, then, that the entire world indites you for your weight. I feel...an unending kind of guilt and worthlessness for never being able to reach weight. A kind of constant defamation of my character. I stopped cutting, I changed my entire mindset so that I am free from crippling depression and anxiety, I lived in a foreign country, I completed college, yet I have so little self control that I cannot stop eating enough to loose weight.

In England they call it "The War on Fat," but everyone knows what they mean is "The War on Fat People."

People post on web pages everything from "I don't like to hang around overweight people, it's just so unhealthy, you know. It's gross that they let themselves get like that," (and just "overweight"? I think, what is their definition of overweight, anything higher than a BMI of 25? Do they check people before they'll hang out with them, or are they so convinced of their discerning eye that they can tell .1% more fat on a female body?) to "It's truly disgusting, we should let them die, kill all the fatties and make the world a better place." Whether people want to believe it, whether it's ethical or moral or not, this is the way society thinks, it's how they've been trained. The war on fat across the world hasn't decreased the number of overweight and obese, but it has SEVERELY MARGINALIZED them. Anyone who is bigger, particularly and emphatically women who are larger, can attest to this. It's dehumanizing.

Tell me, when 90% of the population is overweight or obese (we're already pushing 70%), will you still claim it's merely a matter of self-control?

When I was in South Korea I exercised nearly every day. I hiked each week, and ran more than 5 miles in addition to weight training. I worked out about 2 hours 5 to 6 days a week (I say about 2 because some times I went over, sometimes it was only 1:50). I ate healthy Korean dishes and limited my intake of any sweet drink or treat and walked virtually everywhere I went. My lowest weight was 169 lbs. Then, in Europe, where I was despairing and decided to have fun, and ate everything I could get my hands on from beer and ice cream to sandwiches to the local delicacies, I dropped weight. How did I drop weight?

In addition, my lowest weight, and my fittest self, able to run five miles and do two dozen push-ups, endless crunches and squats, I still weighed 163lbs. Which, if I do have big bones, is 8 pounds higher than the highest I should weigh, and still puts me in the category of "overweight and obese" that is the "plague" on today's society. And, if I don't have big bones, is 13 pounds more than the highest weight I ought to weigh. When I was on Crew at Murray State my lowest weight was 169 lbs. ON CREW. How young was I? 18, 19, 20, how much was I working out? 12+ hours a week. Plus, I had no car, so I was also walking. If, at 19, I was not able to reach a "healthy" weight, despite being an NCAA athlete, what hope do I have?

And yet, I will always be indited for my weight. Everyone who sees me will assume my character is visibly and, literally, fatally flawed.

What bothers me more is to see people who are of a "normal" weight eating the things that I should be refusing myself. How come they get to go to the ice cream shop? How come they get to eat cake? How come they get to drink sweet tea? How come they get to wear flattering clothes? Their bodies do not betray them, their bodies to not stigmatize them, but mine does.

I once knew a girl who ate no sugar, just honey. She was fatter than I was. And yet the idea wasn't entirely flawed.

I went off all sugar for lent and lost 7 lbs. I have decided to do this again, but to include exercising.
My present weight is 193 on a good day, but generally 195. Even for me it is not a weight I am comfortable with.

I also go into this despairing, not because I do not think I can be healthy, not because I do not think I have value, but because I do not believe whether I'm "healthy" or not will change how people perceive me. I will always be "overweight" and that is how strangers and health care professionals will see me first; as a disease caused by character failure, as a social problem, and maybe, if I'm lucky, as a person.