Weight

I seem to have leveled out at about 183. Which is about 11 pounds over a weight that I'm comfortable with. I know that in the past I've leveled out at around 185 and it usually takes some exceptionally bad eating to push it over that or some hard core exercises to drop it. I'm still out walking a few times a week and I am fairly conscientious about the quality of what I eat. However, I haven't been gauging the quantity at all, and my work outs are not 5 days a week and are usually more about getting air than pushing myself past my limits.
I find this whole thing unfortunate.

I see myself in the mirror and I'm a bit disgusted. (you see, unlike all those news articles or forum posts where people say that overweight people see themselves as thinner than they are, I do not suffer from that affliction. I see every roll of fat, every pimple, every spot, ever celulite dimple in HD clarity). At my lowest weight, 163, I was working out for an hour or two (cardio and weights) 6 days a week and watching what I ate. I was still overweight.

What is it worth? I gain no attention either way; it doesn't benefit me.
If I have no children and no loving husband why live a long healthy life? I'd rather die in a hospital a few years after my parents pass than alone in a nursing facility after decades of being alone.

Do it for yourself? For what? So I can get a better job? Oh, I was in pretty good shape (working out 5 days a week for an hour or more, running 3.5 miles) during my first few interviews, and I'd only been out of work for a month or two. Did it help? Nope!

Do it so I'll feel better? Uh, not really. Every time I loose weight I become obsessed with my body and food. It's like loosing weight is an active every hour of every day admitance that I find myself unacceptable and it takes a massive toll on my emotional strength and stability. My body may feel better, but I cry at the drop of a pin.

No, we work out for other people. Without other people, it's a wasted effort, a sweeping of the ocean.